My mom has some memory impairment. She is 93 and moved in just 6 weeks ago. She consistently asks for things, shares a preference for something, thanks us for making the adjustment at the time and then days later asks why we gave her something she doesn’t need or moved something to a new spot because, “I never would have asked for that! You should ask me before you make changes!” It’s really hard not to respond defensively. Telling her that she did ask is also upsetting to her as she comes to term with memory loss. She thinks I must have misunderstood her. Not sure how much effort I should put into making her comfortable/happy because that seems to be a losing battle. Any suggestions on how to gracefully respond or let her “accusations” roll off my back without taking it personally?
Personally, I think you should start making a plan to move your mother to an appropriate facility.
For right now, I might try putting off fulfilling requests. You can say, "Oh, yes, I need to see about that" and write it down conspicuously on a white board that is within her view often. Perhaps check in a day or so later if she still wants the item.
Find yourself a therapist to support you during this challenging time.
It has only been 6 weeks and she is already getting on your nerves, can you imagine how you will feel a year from now? The stress alone can kill you, it has happened many times, the caregiver goes before the demented LO.
You may think that she will not live much longer...Ha! My mother is 98 and still going strong.
Why not look into AL for her with a step up program to MC, she will be with people more her own age, with similar issues so they just roll along, same stories, same issues over and over again and no one remembers that they have heard them a 1000 times, it is all new to them...everytime!
It's really as simple as that. You just go along with whatever she's saying as if it is fact and the truth, because in reality it is her truth. If she says the sky is orange, you just respond saying, and what a pretty shade of orange it is isn't it?
Your life and hers will be much more peaceful and happy if you just go along with whatever she says. And of course educate yourself about the disease of dementia as that will help you better understand what is going on with your mom, and will help you not take everything so personal.
You must remember that it's the disease not your mom. That should help you keep things in perspective.
I honestly cannot imagine someone expecting her to function normally with memory loss, nor imagine challenging and reminding someone over and over who is entirely incapable to computing and understanding what you are saying.
There are many fine films out there from Teepa Snow to access on how to deal with someone dealing with dementia. I recommend them to you and hope they will increase you level of understanding. It will bring relief to both you, yourself, and to your mom.
I wish you the best.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Alz.org is a great website with an 800 number to speak with a live person. Teepa Snow has wonderful videos on YouTube about techniques to use to deal with demented elders. The 36 Hour Day is is a very good reference type book you should pick up as well.
Educate yourself about what lies ahead as dementia progresses before you decide what steps to take. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to you.
Truth: You'll watch TV news with her and refer to it later, and she'll tell you she didn't see it or it never happened. You'll know you're right, but she's calling you wrong, many times per day over many topics. Your self-confidence may wither away. You'll mention the lost submersible at the Titanic and she won't remember the past 10 conversations you had about it, so you have to decide whether to start all over or forget you even discussed it. You'll mourn that easy companionship the two of you once had. She'll want to vacuum, but she has no idea where to plug it in, or how to turn it on, or what to do when it's on. But you have to keep setting up the vacuum because she wants to do it and all the books and videos tell you to let her help you around the house, but letting her help wears you out and you end up doing the vacuuming.
Her "memory impairment" - let's call it full-blown dementia because that's more accurate - will affect every aspect of your home and having her in it. You can try to let it roll off your back, but that does something to your mind; it's a kind of cognitive dissonance. For the sake of keeping peace or being kind, you're agreeing that something is happening the way she insists it's happening, but you know for sure that it's not and it's pointless to insist on what you know happened because her brain is broken.
"Gracefully responding" or "letting accusations roll off your back" does something bad to YOU. And so the actual question is, do you want to do that? Or find her a good memory care facility so that you can save yourself the mental damage?
As MeDolly stated, just think how you will feel later on. Her condition is only going to get worse.
Frustration and resentment will naturally occur and that is never a good situation for you or the person that you are caring for.
The best thing to do is to allow others to care for her, then you can go back to being her daughter.
You can help her by overseeing her care in a facility that has a professional staff who are trained to deal with her needs.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
They don't remember. They also can't remember they can't remember. Urgggh.
Why is THAT there now? I don't know - maybe the faeries moved it. Let's move it back.
You don't want the BROWN shoes - you want the BLACK ones. Gosh, my silly mixup. Here they are.
Where is your best purse? Oh, put away somewhere SAFE.. but here's this one, quite nice, why not use this one today?
Good luck.
Aim to avoid the arguements.
Just accept the blame (or blame the faeries). You cannot use reason or logic unless the other person can understand reason & logic. Sigh.
Also, I did find positive reinforcement and complimenting made a difference. I found that I was constantly correcting. That had to make her feel weak and destroy her confidence. I tried to encourage when I could. Remember, they are losing control of their life. They want to be independent. Perhaps these behaviors are a way to feel in control….or just the disease. Who knows?
It does sound (and you don't say what diagnosis you have here other than "some memory impairment") that your mom has progressed into dementia and it is time, since her safety and well-being is in your care, that she is fully diagnosed. A good neuro-psyc MD can give you a lot of guidance on educating yourself on your Mom's condition and how it will manifest.
You face now the same thing that almost all of us on the Forum have already faced, so know that you are not alone. We have all been where you are. It is time to learn about dementia and the aging brain. This will take some time; the internet is your friend. Also start watching some Teepa Snow videos on youtube. I see thatLealonnie1 has already posted to you her favorite excellent site.
It is important to start out with a clear understanding that your mother has NO short term memory. That will help you understand that reminding her and arguing that you "already SAID that" will simply cause much anxiety and distress for you both.
I welcome you to Forum. It will be so much easier not to take things personally when you understand more. I sure wish you good luck.
I recommend the books by Oliver Sacks that deal with the impaired mind, as well. As he had said in his life, they have a whole entire world; it just isn't YOUR world.
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