It is probably time for the doctor to adjust meds yet AGAIN.. It seems like nothing I am doing is working. He wants me to sit next to his bed at all times. Open this shade, close the shade, Well that cannot happen nor can I take that. I feel so sorry for care givers who have not put all legal documents in order BEFORE you get to this stage of their illness. I could easily just walk out if I did not know that in the end, everything will be Ok and I can once again get on with MY life. Now he is at the point that he thinks I am stealing from him and cannot quite figure out who I am. He sees people and wants me to tell him who they are.
I do everything I can to help him relax and there seems to be no answer. He does not recognize where he is, and is becoming more insistent about getting out of bed. I sense that there is going to be some heavy duty differences between us coming on in the near future.
In a matter of two days, he no longer knows who I am. He will love me one minute and question everything the next moment. I cried myself to sleep last night.
At the beginning when he was just placed into Hospice, he was cooperative and I thought wow, this is going to work so well and he will peacefully pass on. Well it is now evident, that is not going to be happening. If he becomes physical and violent, there is no way I could continue to care for him at home. I will have to live with the guilt of doing what I promised him I would not...I will have to place him in a care facility. If he is locked in, he will probably only get worse.
I am exhausted. He was up all night for TWO nights. Yesterday he slept for 10 straight hours. I finally got some rest. When the nurse comes he is a different person and very pleasant. I am sure the nurse understands the changes that are going on, but they get to leave and I am here facing a man I do not recognize any longer. Finally, he has a sleeping pill and it works. But for how long. His illness overcomes just about all the drugs.
I pray that God does not allow him to suffer like this for too long. The mental pain he is experiencing is much harder than physical pain. Physical pain can be controlled with pain meds. But mental confusion seems to just get worse. He fiddles with the sheets and blankets, and is continuously pulling off his oxygen.
I just turned on his favorite show and if I continue to replay it, he is quiet. I must continue to tell myself that the man he is at the moment is not really him. This is not his fault, it is the terrible illness of dementia, loss of memory and parkinson.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions? Can I just walk away from his bed and let him rant? He is like a baby who is crying and you have to walk away from the crib and let them cry themselves to sleep. I have no answers any longer.