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My Mother has not been diagnosed but as I've researched she has dementia. My mother has always been a narcissist. My sister recently died and she didn't even go to the funeral, she had a luncheon to go too. She is mean, steals my clothing, go through my purse and my bedroom. She even let's my dogs out and they run away; luckily I've found them. Life with her has always been miserable and she won't let me take her to the doctor's to get evaluated. My brother lives 30 minutes away and will not help. I need to get out of this situation. SELF-CARE is what I'm told. No one wants to help and she spends her money on make-up instead of food. I'm not working but I buy her food. It's total craziness and I'm exhausted. I truly hate what is happening to my life and I feel like a prisoner. I'm not a victim but I don't know how to get help.

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My mother is the same way. It is very interesting that NPD's will be lucid when it's convenient and not when it isn't. OK. So she has some dementia. I bet she still drives herself around and goes out for fun, i.e., a luncheon on the day of the funeral!? My mother told EVERYBODY on my dad's 80th birthday a few years back that 'when Daddy dies, I am going to get married again to someone who wears the same size pants and I am getting a big dog". She thinks she is hysterically funny. I wasn't even invited but it was a huge, engraved invitation affair. Catered. She and my sister, who is as bad as she is, planned it. I was left out because both of them were mad at me after an ill fated move to my city and state for same sister. I helped her get her kids enrolled in school, helped her husband find a job after unemployment for two years, even put them all up for over a month. My sister griped so much about living away from what she was used to that she drove her weak husband crazy enough, taking time off work to have weekend (Friday-Monday) getaways, more vacation time than he had coming, all to ameliorate my sister's whining, that he lost his job. I knew what happened and on top of it, she went back home, lived with my parents for several months and left her husband down here to clean up the mess by handling the move, etc. She told lies about how years ago she gave me thousands of dollars in an effort to basically say 'yes, she helped me, but I have given her all this money previously so I HELPED HER TOO'. This I found out from a sister in law who heard it all and told me. I was DONE with all the drama and BS, had been told that this party was a surprise and then found out my dad knew all about it. They are dysfunctional, mean nut jobs and my husband told them to lose our number. Thank God! You can only cater to this kind of crazy for so long and then ask yourself are you helping or enabling. If you mother didn't get another meal or food from you she would have to figure it out. FORCED TO. Get her out of your house if she's in to and stay away from her. Let her fall through a few cracks and only help her IF she comes to you with an apology (I am betting against that because NPD's never do it) and asks for your help. ONLY THEN will you have her ear enough to put down some rules. You cannot force her to listen to you but you can opt out. Do not say there is some reason you can't. We all become part of the sickness of NPD, they are masters at acting helping while they are manipulating. She will say awful things about you. She will retaliate. You have to develop a tough skin. There are women's shelters and there are Medicaid covered long term care facilities. Save yourself now.
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Call your local area agency on aging or the state ombudsman services for resource help.It sounds like she lives with you as well. Find another place for her to live and then take her there. She may also need to be evaluated for a mental health petition if she becomes threatening. You sound like you are at the end of your rope! Do NOT let this go on for your sake!!
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All the advice you have been given is excellentand if you have the strenght follow through. You mention the 12 step program you are going through is there any help there? Goo to social services and see if they can help YOU not Mom. Try Catholic Charities if nothing else they have social workers. You don't have to be Catholic to go there. Iresponsible spending is a common problem just make you you never sign for anything on her behalf because you will be held responsible. Just but food you are going to consume immediately and don't leave it unattended on the cooker. Same with the laundry sit by the machines. Keep non perishables in your room under lock and key. Don't worry about refridgeration use dried ilk it won't go bad in the heat. Lock you bedroom door. if she breaks down the door call the police. It takes guts to do these things but you are in a sinking ship so swim for the shore and let the coast guards take care of Mom. She owes you you don't owe her despite what the Bible says. She has not ever honored or sacrificed for you.
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Your mom is not going to change no matter what you do or try.

You didn't make her this way.

You can't control her.

You can't fix her.

All you can do is put yourself on a healthy path no matter what.

She can't stop her emotional dance, but you can stop dancing with her.
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I really feel for what your going through, and I pray for you both. However, my suggestion for you is to first pray about your situation. and whatever you sense from your praying do it. I have a little experience dealing with people with Dementia, but the best source I have been using recently is this site. You have been guided to the right place, and be open to the wealth of information that you receive here. Many prayers to you and your situation.
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Yes, start making calls to get help. Try everything, including talking to a geriatric doctor. Talk to agencies: the Area Agency on Aging, whatever.

Can you afford to move out? You might want o discuss that with your sister. That will get her attention...
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Hi,

There are no such things as victims just volunteers. I guess, the better question is why are you volunteering to continue to be a part of this behavior?... Are you really trapped or is that just a self imposed belief?.... A line needs to drawn, an ultimatum, if she continues to steal, the cops will be called... if she continues to not listen and be unsafe in the community she will put into a home and reported to APS... no one has to legally take care of their parents especially if that parent has become abusive and manipulative.... every relationship has boundaries and that includes our parental one, as well... and if a relationship continues to be abusive and destructive then you are entitled to walk away
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Mylifesucks123: It definitely does seem like she's purposefully trying to wear you down! Stress kills! Pardon the word, but could you "stick" her in a NH?
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Give her a mirror and tell her to look into it and ask every time she wants something. Sorry to be blunt, but I have a similar problem and sometimes you have to meet meanness with the same.
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Oh boy. There's a lot more to this story.

I think that she may have a mental disorder---paranoia, bipolar disorder, narcissism, lying, living in filth, stealing your clothes. She probably won't go to a psychiatrist to be evaluated & put on meds, so she isn't going to change. What a terrible way to live. I feel bad for you.

She should not be driving a car. 4 accidents in one year is scary.

As far as insurance, you may be eligible for Medicaid. You can find out if you go online to the federal or state insurance exchanges. This way, your medical care would be covered & so would your medications.

You have to get out of there. At the immediate moment, I think you should put a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door, put an air conditioner in your bedroom window. When you do your laundry, pretend you're in a laundromat & stay with the clothes when they're in the washer & dryer so she can't take them out.

Your mother can live the way she chooses to live, but you don't have to live that way. Are you getting any financial support from your soon-to-be-exhusband? ( I suspect you aren't.) Do you have children?

If she doesn't want to get her glasses fixed, that's her prerogative. If she doesn't want to clean & watch TV instead, that's her prerogative. But you don't have to live that way.

You don't have to call in sick 3 times in a week because your mother was crying about the water heater. What you absolutely DO NOT want right now is to lose your job. She is VERY lucky that the man finished the job with the water heater---most wouldn't have if she didn't give them the money.

It sounds like she may be having some financial difficulty as well. Is that the case? Maybe she needs to look into some assistance as far as food stamps & other things.

What did she do before you moved in with her as far as groceries, cleaning, etc.?

Do you know what her friends think of her? Do they suspect that there is anything wrong with her? It would be interesting to find out what their opinion is.

You said that "she takes our clothes out of the washing machine"----exactly what do you mean by "our"? Are you living there by yourself, or are there other people there too?

I feel badly about your living situation. I think your priority right now is to find a job where you can support yourself & find someplace to live. Can you live temporarily with your brother or sister until you find someplace to go? You can't go on living like this.
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APS = Adult Protective Services. The other acronym to know is Area Agency on Aging.

You most likely have to move out, and allow things to deteriorate with her living alone to the point where they (APS) will step in. (You should not have moved in, hoping somehow things would be different, but that's water under the bridge!) Whatever empathy your mom ever had, if she had any at all, is gone, and her judgment is going fast too. Narcissistic personality disorder is a likely diagnosis, and there is probably not much help for that at this stage, but as someone else already posted, a formal diagnosis would be good. Sometimes you can get someone into the home to visit and assess, in your case maybe via tricks and flattery (e.g. hey Mom there is someone who has heard about you and wants to interview you about your interesting life); sometimes the refusal of evaluation sticks until incompetence is determined. The key is not to depend on Mom because the price of depending on her is your health, your self-determination, and your sanity. It is her house and she feels she is helping you, not the other way around, and she feels entitled to everything of yours that is kept there. And she feels entitled to have you buy food so she can spend her money on fun stuff, despite your struggles with a divorce and low income. Your chances of changing any of that entitlement-itis are about nil. I can guess what she would say about Meals-On-Wheels - probably along the lines of "oh, my daughter takes care of that, it's the least she can do since she lives with me..." She COULD even start charging you rent.
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What is APS? Sorry to sound uneducated with regard to this topic.

PS: Sheesh...love it. Yes, it was not great explaining her absence.
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You submit a written report to APS asking them to come and evaluate her living conditions; and you move out. That's all. You cannot help her because what she needs to be safe is change, and she won't let you do it. And, to be blunt, I'm not sure you'd be able to cope with it anyway - she's hurt you too much over too much time.

Do you talk to your brother? What does he think?

By the way. Although I imagine that I'd give my daughters a kidney each if they needed them, I've never had to face that situation and I can't know how I would feel if it came to it. Of all the things that you do hold against your mother, I wouldn't pick that one. Not going to your sister's funeral, now… Sheesh. You need to leave this lady in your past.
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Yes, there is a history. I live in my mother's house. I have been going through a divorce and I had a sister who passed and I thought living with my mother would work out. History does repeat itself and she's been like this before when we've tried/had to move in with her.

I have always provided for my mother but I haven't been able to because I have a part-time job. Mainly because I do not trust her home with my dogs, my belongings anything. I know she goes through my room because my things are always shuffeled through and she steps on my computer cords (another mess).

When I ask her things she's not honest. The other day, she spilled a big container of coffee on the floor. She has obviously swept it up and put it back in the container. There was dog hair, bit of straw rappers and I asked her if she spilled it and/or what happened to the coffee. She said she spilled it but put everything in the trash. She has a tendancy to take my food and put it into her containers. Today when I asked her for coffee (I know she had some) she says she doesn't have any.

Laundry detergent...I have to hide. It's just a mess.

I cannot get her to go to the doctor to be evaluated for alzheimer's dementia. She says there is nothing wrong with her and that I'm the crazy one and I have to tell you, at times, she's pretty close to the truth.

She gets around by driving her car and has gotten into four accidents this year. Always little fender benders but they are never her fault.

She has always put herself first and my brother, my sister and myself have always had to "fend" for ourselves. She is so selfish that when my sister needed her kidney for a kidney transplant (she was the only donor that matched) she refused to give it to her. Instead she let my sister nearly die and then go on dialysis.

Until I moved in, she had absolutely no cleaning supplies so I had to wash my hands without soap. The thermostat on the waterheater was kept so low that I could only take a 5 minute shower...I timed it.

Yes, I live in her house, but she always threatens to call the police. One day she will and then what?

The house is very very dirty and when I start to clean it, she screams and says I don't know where things go and that she will do it. Then she retreats to her room to watch TV. She constantly comes in and out of her room all night...keeps me away and doesn't hesitate to come into my room.

She thinks (and always has) that someone is coming into the house and stealing things. It was an awful way to be raised and it's still awful now. She hates people that are different and she thinks it's one of our next door neighbors. I assure you no one is coming into the house. She locks us in at night. She now things they are coming down through the chimney (Again, just like when we were growing up) and looks through the ashes in the fireplace. The ashes are so old I don't even remember the last time we used the fireplace. She never opens a window, she has 3 cats and the house smells like amonia. It's just awful.
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You have the answer right in your post---"I need to get out of this situation." That is exactly what you have to do.

Why are you not working? Is it because you lost your job, can't find a job, are disabled or something else? Are you able to get a job so you can support yourself & get an apartment? It sounds like you are living in her house----are you financially dependent on her?

I suspect there is more history here that we don't know. What is your age?

Narcissism is totally different than dementia. You say in your profile that your mother's problem is "alzheimer's/dementia". If your mother won't let you take her to the doctor to be evaluated for alzheimer's/dementia & has never been diagnosed with those things, how do you know that's what the problem is? What do you do to "take care" of your mother? Does she need assistance with daily activities like washing up, getting dressed & eating? Are the only problems that she is mean & goes through your things & lets the dogs out?

What other "history" do you have with your mother? Do you have any siblings? You mention that "nobody wants to help out"----what do you need help with?

Are you home when she goes through your bedroom & purse, and steals your clothes? Are you home when she lets the dogs out? Or does she do these things when you leave the house?

If you can't get out of your mother's house, put a deadbolt lock on the bedroom door & keep the key on your person at all times when you are not in your bedroom. Keep the dogs in there. Do not give her a copy of the key. That is a terrible way to have to live. You are much better off moving out & getting your own place.
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My heart goes out to you.. I am also going through similar circumstance as myself. I can't sleep through the night or any free time for myself. I feel I am In a dark and a long tunnel no light.. To me In this website is only place where I can find some relive.

Thanks for this website
Thank you for sharing the story
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Who owns the house? You or her? Does she have an income? Insurance? Is she divorced, if not was her husband a Vet? The answers to these questions will determine what kind of financial aid she can get. She is displaying signs of some kind of dementia and it's only a matter of time before she will need care you are not equipped to provide. Also, it sounds like you need some special care yourself right now. Look for a care facility that offers Alzheimer's care and call them. Ask for the social worker. She/he will know what to do. If she can't help you ask her who to call. She is s wealth of information. Ask for phone numbers. Be proactive. Dig girl! You can do this!! You have to get out of this toxic situation. You deserve a life that does not suck. Make some calls. Today.
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Is she living in your home or are you in hers? If she is in yours, Assisted Living might be the answer. If you are in hers - move out. My Mother was the same way - the decisions she was making were not good - most decisions she couldn't make if her life depended on it. To top if off - she has dementia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and extreme narcissism. It was terrifying for us. I have Mental and Durable Health Care POA for her. Visited Assisted Living facilities - found one - signed her in - moved her things and fixed up her room - put the rest of her belongings into storage. She was most unhappy with us but it was a done deal and she had nowhere else to go but there. Seems harsh when on paper here, however it worked. If you or your brother do not have POA for her - you might try obtaining Guardianship of her. This makes things easier for all of you as far as decision making. Also, as someone said above - call Human or Social Services and have adult protection come and do a visit. Best wishes you this journey....
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I have a part-time job but no insurance as my soon-to-be ex-husband stopped my insurance. With that said, I have to buy my medication by myself.

I had to call in 3 times this week because she was crying about her waterheater needed to be fixed (it's 20 years old) and she kept saying the gentlemen quote 400 but he quoted 1400. He need 1,000 and instead she gave him 200.00. It was not a good situation and the gentlemen knew that she wasn't thinking correctly so he went ahead and finished the job. Most people would have walked off the job.

Instead of getting her glasses fixed, going to the grocery store (my job) anything that is critical she goes to lunch with friends. I think she has the ability to hold things straight for a little a while and then melts down at home.

Also, she is such a racists. I'm embarrassed and I've told her 100 times to embrace diversity and now I just walk away.

As a narcassist (Sorry for the spelling)...everything and I mean everything is about her. I get up to her complaining and I come home to her complaining. I am literally shaking by the time I leave the house. If I stay home and barracade myself in my bedroom and pushes through to complain. It's so awful.

Laundry, she takes our clothes out of the washing machine mid wash so she can use what's left of our cleaning cycle. She then put hers in and leaves our wet clothes on the top of the dryer. She then uses the dryer and let's my clothes become mildewy. She also takes my wet clothes out of the dryer.

She has piles and piles of dirty clothes on the basement steps and floor so that's where the stealing comes in. She takes my personal items as well as my other clothing and uses it. It's so awful living like this.

Oh, and she keeps the house at 85 degrees. I can't leave my pugs in the room because she turns the fans off. I am soaking wet all day long and we play constantly with the thermostat. It's absolutely hell.

I know I'm complaining...I'm sorry.
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And by the way, the Bible says to HONOR your father and mother. It doesn't say you have to take abuse or be held hostage in your own home. You will honor her by finding a place for her to live where they can offer proper care for her and you honor her in how you live your own life. Praying for a quick resolution.
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I want to thank all of you being so loving, compassionate and most of all supportive. I am currently in a 12 Step program and it's definitely push on my sobriety. I've been sober 19 years and I think everyday about a drink. I do take medication but I've been careful because that too can cause a person to lose their sobriety.

Your suggestions are fantastic and I will call the different avenues today
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Mylifesucks, is there a way you can find a job and move out? It sounds like your mother doesn't need so much help immediately. It would probably be better if you could provide some help for her at a distance. Please tell us more about your situation.
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Call social services or even go to a nursing home in the area and talk to the social worker there. They will know what services are available. You do not have to be stuck being the caretaker. Go find out what the options are based on her medical condition and her financial financial. Even if she refuses to see a dr you can have her evaluated and declared incompetent and they will take her to a psych ward for further evaluation. Then she will be a ward of the state. If she has no property they will get her on Medicaid. If she has money and property they will tell you how to spend it down. I would say social services rep is the place for you to start. You have no financial obligation here. Your moral obligation is between you and God.
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Please allow a medical professional to do the diagnosing.
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What is this, a LIFE SENTENCE?! You owe YOURSELF a good life. You've done your time with your narcissist "mother."
Consider meeting with a social worker in your town who can provide you with information and can connect you with services available to your mother. Those services can include, Meals on Wheels, Senior Centers as well as a place to live. Seriously consider this. As you know, you (and me too) aren't getting any younger. When do you live, instead of just exist?!

btw... change your logon ID moniker to something more positive and upbeat. When your perception and outlook changes, you will be amazed at how your life does as well.

I wish you all the best!
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Try keeping the door to your bedroom locked and keep your dogs in there. Make sure that your dogs are licensed and wear I'd tags. Look into getting help for you help for you. If you are living in your mom's house look into seeing if you alone qualify for low income housing. Check with your church office maybe do done will rent you a room in their house. The dept of aging should be able to help you with what to do with your mom. Be sure to video your mom in daily activities to how that she is the one with problems. There is no magic pill to stop her dementia unfortunately things will get worst before she settles down if she does. How is she getting to the store to buy makeup? If you are the one taking her then stop. Demand that she pay for food. Buy your own if you have a source of income and keep it in your room. Only buy her bare necessities until she chips in towards food. You will take a lot of grief from her complaining to you but you have got to think of yourself too. If you have no source of income check in with social services department for you and you may qualify for food assistance. Local food banks can help also.
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Is she living in your home or are you living in her home?
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Agree with all of the above. You don't have to be the 'one' to take her on. There are places she can go. They may not be great but she won't be on the street. If she's doing these things she could also easily begin to lie about you and your treatment of her and the next thing you know, you are in it legally for something you have never done.
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You are a good daughter and a good person for taking care of your mother as mean as she has been. I am sorry you are going through this...... But you need to take care of yourself now. Find help for your mother and don't feel guilty just do it. You deserve to live your life without hate and criticism directed at you.
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It appears that you and your mom have had some challenges in the past, and this is not new. Perhaps staying in this situation is not the best choice for either one of you. Remember, we always have a choice in whatever we choose to do.
If contacting your brother or other family members does not bring the results you wish, then you can always contact your place of worship (if you have one), or your local Area Agency on Aging. They will be able to assist you.
Dementia is difficult... and since I do not know all the family dynamics ... suffice it to say that outside help seems necessary in your situation.
Also remember there is always a solution to every problem.
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