A little background- my mother has been living next to me in my condo building since 2018. Diagnosed with dementia in early 2019. She has always been difficult, manipulative and selfish and wasn't a good mother. This has been hell and her dementia has progressed. She can still do ADL's and puts up a charade of independence, but her executive functioning continues to get worse. She can not live "independently" in her condo without me being next door. I could go on and I have a pretty extensive post history here, but basically I have been stuck. I had to put up a huge fight for her to accept having a companion aid for 4 hours a week (which she reduced to every 2 weeks) so in her mind assisted living is out of the question.
Awhile back I went to an elder care attorney to find out if I could force my mother with dementia into assisted living with a DPoA.... the answer is NO. I'm in Florida- a "wait for a crisis" state.
My life changed again with the news that my brother has terminal cancer. He will be lucky to get a couple years and that will be with harsh treatment. That is when the thought started that I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted to move to my adult son's state which is driving distance to my brother's state. 3.5 hour drive.
Now I have gotten more news. For the first time I am going to be a grandmother. I am over the moon with this news, and needless to say it really ramped up my desire to move to his state.
I told my mother the news of the baby, but my siblings do not know as my son wanted to wait until after the first doctor appointment which is tomorrow. Her reaction was ..... meh.
My DH and I have decided we are going to move to my son's state, which is Maryland. I plan to talk to my mother this weekend and let her know she will have to move, because we are moving. She can decide where she wants to be but her only options will be assisted living no matter which adult child she decides to live close to- staying here will not be an option. If she tries to play that card I will take her to court and force the sale which I can do as a co-owner.
My mom will not care that I want/need to be closer to my brother and my son. She will be so angry it will be horrible.
But I'm getting out of something I never should have set up to begin with, and this time around I will be MUCH less prone to her manipulation.
Any tips, because the truth is I dread this talk so much, but it has to happen.
I would put it off as long as possible. Not to be a procrastinator but why listen to her BS any longer than necessary?! Figure out what you're going to do then tell her the facts and lay out her limited options.
She's going to be angry and maybe you can lead with that. "Mom, I have something to tell you and I know you are going to get angry but....."
Maybe have someone else there with you so that she will be less likely to pitch a fit??
My husband will be with me, and I’m thinking just getting to the point right off is the best way. If she gets abusive I will definitely leave immediately.
Tell her you're going and do it.
The State of Florida says she is a competent adult.
You've been kind and considerate and gotten nothing but grief in return. Let her lawyer handle the fall out.
I remember back years ago when I first realized I made a massive mistake I thought about moving but it always seemed like an outlandish idea. Now it’s very real and going to happen.
You do what you need to do and give mom over to sis.
My mom is that same way. Never 'happy' about anything, really, unless it's about her.
Congrats on becoming a grandma! I have 14 grands and they are my joy!!
Leave the room. Time to reclaim your life.
So - you can stay where you are (not!!) and leave her be and BOTH of you remain unhappy, or
You can tell her she's got to move because you are, and then ONE of you is happy.
I think you've done yeoman's work thus far trying to keep this woman at home, because it's what SHE wanted - even to the incredible sacrifice of your own well-being and happiness. So I don't think you have anything for which to feel guilty or bad about.
So find a place for her that will meet her caregiving needs and go support your brother and enjoy your first grandchild!
Not only does my brother get a pass, he and his wife need support. I flew to see him shortly before the baby news and it broke my heart to leave. I knew then that I desperately wanted to be closer to him.
Thanks for reminding me I've done enough for my mother. Plus she doesn't realize it yet but she will be better off in ALF. She will be able to afford a nice one and get more attention and care than I can give her. I'm way past burn out on her and need to get stronger for my brother.
If anything I’ve learned, most elders do not want to give up their home. Period. Do what you must ….
Thank you..