How do I tell my family mom's not living here with me and going to assisted living?

Good Italian daughters also arrange for their parents to be in nice assisted livings in order to “have the best care possible.” And they visit and bring pans of food. I know all about this. Good mothers don’t want to be a burden and are proud of their daughters for having a career. It also sounds like you are doing this all alone. Good families don’t criticize a struggling relative. Putting your mother in assisted living where she can be safe and you can regain your health and sanity sounds like the best decision any daughter can make. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Join forces with your cousin, find a facility that will possibly work for both moms. And place them, let the older generation reel in their disapproval while you and cousin live your lives and prepare for your old age. Hold each other up!

Barb said,
“If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.”

Maybe take Barb’s words and capitalize all the YOU words.

As in: YOUR livelihood. YOUR ability…

Cause it won’t be THEM possibly breaking down with this burden. It will be YOU.

THEIR lives will go on as they are today.

In my mind, anyone not doing the hands on care, gets zero votes.

I am so sorry that you are in this predicament.

This is going to sound harsh.

If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.

If you want to live in this century, in this culture and economy, you will need to develop a thick skin and a lighthearted set of responses to your diapproving elders.

Times change. In former times, people had dozens of children and there was always an ugly unmarriageable daughter who was the designated martyr.

I am grateful I live now and not then.

Okay, Italian daughter here. Lives with the parents (now parent). Works full time. Caregiving just drains the life from you. Last year, when my father was at end-stage Parkinson's, I had to throw in the towel. I asked for hospice, but not at home. It was too much. Another Italian daughter, my cousin, moved her mom into assisted living and then a nursing home. Why? Because with her schedule as a nurse she could not care for her mom. Seriously, sometimes you have to say "Basta!" "Enough!" Your mother doesn't want you to be impoverished after she passes.

Tell them that if they want Mom to not be placed anywhere, they are more than welcome to take her in. I doubt anyone will take you up on it.

I come from an Italian family myself……my grandparents were both born in Italy.

My grandparents had 4 children……3 girls and 1 son. One of the daughters didn’t work. After my grandmother passed my grandfather still lived alone in his home. He fell a couple of times and the last time he ended up in the hospital.

None of the children offered to let him live with them & he decided it was safer for him to go in a nursing home and he ended up enjoying the company of the other residents & the activity.

Do not feel guilty about wanting the best care for your mom. She lived her life & you have to think of your own future and plan for what you will do.

Sending you my best wishes and hugs.

This is so tough! You may have to endure the disapproval of family members but this is your life! Your health! Your future finances. Too many caregivers here have given up careers and taken in a parent, only to be angry, resentful and ill because they did so. Your cousin has made taking in your aunt work, for whatever reason. But you know you can’t make it work. You’ve tried. At some point your cousin may be angry out of jealousy once she really gets worn down.

Dealing with family members and someone who needs 24/7 care can bring out a lot of anger and grief, especially when there are differences in expectations. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. What would your family do if a stroke incapacitated you? Do you have POA set up? Even with a loved one in assisted living there’s a lot to do if you love them. A therapist might help you weather this time, especially one who knows caregiving and elder issues. Good luck!

Let's absolve you of your guilt. Whooosh! Gone!

The goal here is to keep your mother safe. Repeat that-- keep your mother safe. She's already had multiple accidents, falls, has trouble walking and standing. You cannot keep her safe, end of story.

Those families that take care of their parents 'until the end'-- let's discuss that idea. Isn't there usually an extended family system, which means multiple generations living under roof who can help take care of the elder? Do you have additional team members (family) living with you, or are you trying to do this by yourself? Do you really think it's fair to expect that of yourself?

Of course you're tired and your blood pressure has gone up. You are already stressed and stretched to the max. News flash! You are entitled to live your life, go to work, get some rest, go on a vacation, have a relationship....you get the idea. Your whole life is not required to be dedicated and donated to your parent as the expense of your life. No wonder you feel guilty if that is your mind set.

As to the shame, guilt, and all of those other ingrained emotional reactions? Find a therapist, quick. All you are doing is trying to keep your mother safe until the end of her life. I'd say that you deserve praise from your family for your efforts. And, if someone else thinks they can do it better, let them try it for a day or two. They will quickly see that this is an impossible situation.

You are on the right path. Keep going. Take care of yourself so you can be a loving daughter to your mother.

Don't tell anyone before you move Mom to an AL. Move her in and then tell family. Send out cards. "Just sending a note to tell you Mom is now living at Golden Years Assisted living. If you would like to send her a card or visit, here is the address...." Add a phone# if she has a phone. Your going to get flak no matter if u tell them before or after.