How do I tell my family mom's not living here with me and going to assisted living?
Okay, I’m from an Italian family. The way it always goes with my old time family members is you take care of your parents no matter what, in your house and you take care of them until the end. I’ve had mom here a month I just cannot do it! I tried, she needs 24/7 care. I work full time and am soo tired all the time, I can’t believe It’s taking a toll of my health. She’s fallen a couple times had multiple accidents. She has trouble walking and standing alone. Someone checks on her during the day but I don’t think that’s working. I won’t have in home help because I have 3 dogs one that may bite. And are unpredictable with strangers. I’ve never had high blood pressure, now I suddenly do. My cousin is my age she has my aunt living with them. I feel so guilty and ashamed. They will never understand and think I’m an awful daughter and probably not look at me again. What would I do about the family? How do I deal with them and all of it?
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This is going to sound harsh.
If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.
If you want to live in this century, in this culture and economy, you will need to develop a thick skin and a lighthearted set of responses to your diapproving elders.
Times change. In former times, people had dozens of children and there was always an ugly unmarriageable daughter who was the designated martyr.
I am grateful I live now and not then.
Haha! Sadly very true! :)
Dealing with family members and someone who needs 24/7 care can bring out a lot of anger and grief, especially when there are differences in expectations. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. What would your family do if a stroke incapacitated you? Do you have POA set up? Even with a loved one in assisted living there’s a lot to do if you love them. A therapist might help you weather this time, especially one who knows caregiving and elder issues. Good luck!
“If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.”
Maybe take Barb’s words and capitalize all the YOU words.
As in: YOUR livelihood. YOUR ability…
Cause it won’t be THEM possibly breaking down with this burden. It will be YOU.
THEIR lives will go on as they are today.
In my mind, anyone not doing the hands on care, gets zero votes.
Precisely.
Too many people who say "but family" and "it takes a village" fail to actually show up to BE that family and village.
You absolutely need a village here to help your mom. So unless the family will all show up and contribute as much as you need them to, Assisted Living IS the village.
Tell the judgemental relations you'll file the report after Mom and your aunt have gone to their final reward. 😉
Just working pooped me out. I can't imagine coming home and having to care for someone. Place her. Then you know she is safe and you are not worrying about her all day. Does cousin work? Maybe she is being made to feel obligated. She may see u place Mom and then feel she can do it with her Mom. Until you deal with caring for someone Dementia you will just never know.
My grandparents had 4 children……3 girls and 1 son. One of the daughters didn’t work. After my grandmother passed my grandfather still lived alone in his home. He fell a couple of times and the last time he ended up in the hospital.
None of the children offered to let him live with them & he decided it was safer for him to go in a nursing home and he ended up enjoying the company of the other residents & the activity.
Do not feel guilty about wanting the best care for your mom. She lived her life & you have to think of your own future and plan for what you will do.
Sending you my best wishes and hugs.
As for "old" family traditions, they were fine for their time, but today's lifestyle and need for work to make ends meet doesn't mesh with those traditions. You do what you have to do. You can still be supportive of mom, visit often, take her out on occasion or have her come visit at your place. It's the CARE that matters, not whether you can or can't provide 24/7 care (many can't through no fault of their own. I am one, so does that make me a bad person? NOPE! I did everything possible to ensure mom was safe, healthy, clean and well cared for. I could NOT have provided that care for her myself.)
(In response to your other post, at least one person brought up that old chestnut - care for her like she did for you! It's NOT the same, not by a long shot. Caring for a full-sized adult who may outweigh you is in no way comparable to an infant, toddler or even young child. Generally we are much younger and capable of raising children to adulthood. A lot of us are now seniors ourselves, and these parents are not little tiny babies!!! My mother outweighed me by at least 20+ pounds and was not stable on her feet. I have physical limitations and have to be careful or I will end up unable to walk, so there's no way I could "support" this woman in person myself.)
1) Our regular poster Anche lives in Milan Italy, has been caring for her mother at home for some time, and is in the process of finding a good facility. Ask her how she’s going, and what the current options are in Italy.
2) In Oz we have a long history of Italian migrants from the 1950s, who brought with them all their customs (like teenage girls not allowed out at night without a chaperone), then did a return trip to Italy and were disgusted to find that customs there were ‘just like Australia now’. Tell all your relations that they are simply out of date, and people in Italy would laugh at them!
3) It’s common for ‘newer’ language skills to fade with age. Putting mother and auntie in the same place sounds like a seriously good idea.
There are a couple of ways to go with getting your mom help:
1 - assisted living that transitions to full care when she needs it. This is the direction you are currently considering.
2 - adult day program. If you have a Monday - Friday daytime job, your mom could be dropped off in the morning to an adult day program. Nursing homes and personal care homes usually have these services. They will care for her while you work. You pick her up after work. This will only work if you are OK with caring for her during your non-work hours and if she will sleep through the night.
The goal here is to keep your mother safe. Repeat that-- keep your mother safe. She's already had multiple accidents, falls, has trouble walking and standing. You cannot keep her safe, end of story.
Those families that take care of their parents 'until the end'-- let's discuss that idea. Isn't there usually an extended family system, which means multiple generations living under roof who can help take care of the elder? Do you have additional team members (family) living with you, or are you trying to do this by yourself? Do you really think it's fair to expect that of yourself?
Of course you're tired and your blood pressure has gone up. You are already stressed and stretched to the max. News flash! You are entitled to live your life, go to work, get some rest, go on a vacation, have a relationship....you get the idea. Your whole life is not required to be dedicated and donated to your parent as the expense of your life. No wonder you feel guilty if that is your mind set.
As to the shame, guilt, and all of those other ingrained emotional reactions? Find a therapist, quick. All you are doing is trying to keep your mother safe until the end of her life. I'd say that you deserve praise from your family for your efforts. And, if someone else thinks they can do it better, let them try it for a day or two. They will quickly see that this is an impossible situation.
You are on the right path. Keep going. Take care of yourself so you can be a loving daughter to your mother.
Today? Women at work, less kids to help, all grow & move away.
Myself I have 2 parents. Have 2 sibs but 1 disabled needs care also & the other miles away. Cousins all helping their own parents.
Not whinging. Just facts of modern life.
Explain as you can. Mama needed more than I can do BY MYSELF. I have to work to feed my children etc.
Your "old time" family members are right. It's also biblical to care for your old and aging parents....look what all they did for you....talk about Sacrifice!! Your mom conceived you, carried you through all 9 months of pregnancy, which is never easy, went thru the Hell of labor and delivery, and brought you into this world....then she and hopefully your father was present, you were raised, fed, cared for and All your needs provided for!! How many years??? Probably at least 18 to 27 years.
Imo, you need to scale back your job, and perform your Real work....taking care of the angel God gave you, until the end.
Enlist hospice help if needed, and enlist others to help out.
Please do your absolute utmost for your precious mother!! You won't always have her.
Think of her before your own needs, give her the best of everything you possibly can....and if you are not saved by Christ the Lord, Repent of your sins, (like selfishness), and put your full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. He will give you a new heart, new desires, and the love, patience, compassion that He alone can and will give.
With God's help, it will be your joy and honor to care for your precious mother! Do It, for her sake, and yours!
John 3:16,17
And yes, we get/have gotten old but, our children have been strictly forbidden to stall their lives in order to care for us. We told them we did NOT give birth to them so we would have personal nurses for ourselves. We gave birth to them to love, nurture and watch them grow into great, caring individuals which they did. They call to check on us as we do them. They stop by to see us for an hour or so when they are able. They have standing requests for us to call if we need ANYTHING. I try not to bother them unless it involves changing a light bulb in our 10 ft ceilings or trimming some limbs when they do theirs.
We have paid for our final resting areas, are in the middle of filing our wills and my husband put everything over to me and I to him with our children as POAs. He has been diagnosed with dementia and onset alzheimers. I am fighting colon cancer. The kids know when the time comes, we are to be put in a local nursing home. They have lives of their own, jobs, families and grandchildren to enjoy as we did ours.
Caregiver burnout is real. Unfortunately the "old rules" regarding caring for family members is very much out of date since it takes a full time job to survive. You seem to be a Christian so refer to The covenant between Adam and Eve is summarized in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Same goes for the wife to leave her father and her mother.
I know my mom's sister will blame me for placing my mum in a facility. Her children won't do that... But they are 4 and she has a husband.
I am an only child, my father died when I was almost 11.
But some other family members understand that my own health is now at risk and that I have to stay healthy for myself, my husband and my teenager son and for my mum too. What will be of her if I completely burn out or I have an accident due to lack of sleep ?
We should just not consider other people opinion.
I do not think God wants us to give up our lives, I think we are too not only our mums are.
Try to let go of the guilt you feel and rethink facility placement as the best care for you to provide for your mother.
This is for Bronish. “Put your full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.” You can do this if you wish. It’s your choice. Ordering other people to do it is not appropriate for this site.
My computer gives me morning uplift, usually jokes. Today’s was “Egotism dulls the pain of stupidity”. It's not nice being told things like that!
If your not able to be at home with her all day and basically become a slave to her care needs no one should judge you for that.
She cannot get what she needs at your house. If your family is judgmental about that, then tell them they can come and take care of her 24/7.