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Okay, I’m from an Italian family. The way it always goes with my old time family members is you take care of your parents no matter what, in your house and you take care of them until the end. I’ve had mom here a month I just cannot do it! I tried, she needs 24/7 care. I work full time and am soo tired all the time, I can’t believe It’s taking a toll of my health. She’s fallen a couple times had multiple accidents. She has trouble walking and standing alone. Someone checks on her during the day but I don’t think that’s working. I won’t have in home help because I have 3 dogs one that may bite. And are unpredictable with strangers. I’ve never had high blood pressure, now I suddenly do. My cousin is my age she has my aunt living with them. I feel so guilty and ashamed. They will never understand and think I’m an awful daughter and probably not look at me again. What would I do about the family? How do I deal with them and all of it?

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I suspect if you traveled to Italy you would soon see that those "old Italian values" are outdated, even in Italy.
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You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Placing your mother in the appropriate care facility for her needs is the best thing you can do for her.
If your not able to be at home with her all day and basically become a slave to her care needs no one should judge you for that.
She cannot get what she needs at your house. If your family is judgmental about that, then tell them they can come and take care of her 24/7.
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Have u placed Mom yet?
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Be honest and tell them your health is suffering and your DOCTOR feels you are too overburdened with all you are doing. If they don’t like it there’s nothing stopping one of them from taking over her care. If you die, it won’t matter what they think.take care of YOU. You are important too. Good luck 💜
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You need to do what is best for YOU and your mom. If you know you cannot do it, then don't. Find a good place for your mom so YOU can have a good health life. IF you get sick.......who will take your mom in? If its another family member, then tell them to take her now because you can't do it anymore. And honestly, if the family doesn't like it.....too bad. Not everyone has the time, capability or knowledge on handling people 24/7 especially if it comes to cleaning them, moving them, etc. Again if the family has an issue, tell one of them to take her. And if they avoid you, then I guess you can be happy with your dogs and be healthy. It is what it is and only YOU know if you can or cannot continue to deal with it. I wish you luck.
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Maybe start with Homecare that is 2 12- hr shifts instead of live in. I’ve always found that home health aides not highly skilled. My mother is 94 with dementia..immobile & incontinent. I bought lift machine..a sit to stand by Bestcare. Also she has hospital bed , reclining wheelchair, nice seat cushion. I have private pay aide a few days a week. If you can’t supervise & need to work full time, this extremely demanding FULL TIME JOB isn’t for you..& I totally recommend finding a nearby facility. Depending on whether she can walk or wanders, or falls often…if she needs a little help or help with everything. Hugs 🤗
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This is for Candy Apple. The site gives space to a wide range of views. You clearly think you are a Christian, that’s the only ‘true’ belief, that elders can and should be cared for at home by their children, and that facilities are dreadful places with uncaring staff. However when you make the same point over and over again, it comes across as an argument that you are determined to win. It adds nothing helpful for OP.

This is for Bronish. “Put your full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.” You can do this if you wish. It’s your choice. Ordering other people to do it is not appropriate for this site.

My computer gives me morning uplift, usually jokes. Today’s was “Egotism dulls the pain of stupidity”. It's not nice being told things like that!
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If you cannot take of your mother safely in your home, it's time to find placement for her. Are the family members who may criticize you offering to take her in themselves? Probably not. If you try to take on more than you can manage, it will not go well, you will exhaust yourself and you will resent your mother and the demands her care taking is making on you. If she needs 24/7 care, " someone checking in during the day" is not sufficient. Getting rid of your dogs would surely make you resent you mother any more. That is not the solution.
Try to let go of the guilt you feel and rethink facility placement as the best care for you to provide for your mother.
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If your mom needs 24 hr care, someone checking on her several times a day will never work. Have a talk with everyone in the family and explain to them why this isn't working for you since you work all the time. It is possible they can all come together to help you figure this out. A room in another's home and everyone help pay for assistance for her care - or she pays if she has income. If no one can come up with a solution, then you tell them you have no choice but to place her in facility because it is too DANGEROUS to leave her at home. (Even in your own home with their help, perhaps you could contain the dogs to an area that allows others to come and go while dogs gets to continue to live in the house)
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I am where you are... And am Italian too.
I know my mom's sister will blame me for placing my mum in a facility. Her children won't do that... But they are 4 and she has a husband.
I am an only child, my father died when I was almost 11.
But some other family members understand that my own health is now at risk and that I have to stay healthy for myself, my husband and my teenager son and for my mum too. What will be of her if I completely burn out or I have an accident due to lack of sleep ?
We should just not consider other people opinion.
I do not think God wants us to give up our lives, I think we are too not only our mums are.
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Anche71 Sep 2021
* edit last sentence : we are all precious to God's eyes, we are too not only our mums
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I'm so sorry that you and mom are going through trying times. Think of it this way. Mom had you and she took care of you hand and foot. She love you till the end of time. I know you didn't ask to be here but u are. Do not give up on your mom she would not give up on u. I know its hard but with God all things are possible. Get rid of the Dogs. Mom is more important than dogs. u can always get more dogs but u cannot replace a MOM. Once mom is no longer around you will miss her deeply. I'm rooting for u i know u can do it. Call on our Lord and Savior. Where there's a will there is a way. All u need is some me time. Eat right, Exercise, met with friends. Make sure mom is doing the same. It's going to be ok. I know mom worked at one point in her life. I know she has insurance, etc. you stated someone comes in to assist. if u act like its to much for u they will do the same. check the community there are problem other family members, neighbors going through the same. Maybe they can meet friends, go for walks. they maybe strong enough to help one another. Most places wont really have the time and care to assist mom. trust and believe that. I know u can do it just pray and find balance and LOVE for mom it will be ok. Remember one day it will be your turn and what u put out is what u get back. Praying for you. u can , u will and u must in Jesus Christ name. God love his son Jesus whom died for us so we could be saved. they love one another infinity. We must pattern after them.
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cherokeewaha Sep 2021
Candyapple, If you are able to do this then, that is great but, not everyone can. My mom would have been horrified if she had been in her right mind and knew the sacrifices we made in order to help her before her dr put her in rehab and nursing care.
And yes, we get/have gotten old but, our children have been strictly forbidden to stall their lives in order to care for us. We told them we did NOT give birth to them so we would have personal nurses for ourselves. We gave birth to them to love, nurture and watch them grow into great, caring individuals which they did. They call to check on us as we do them. They stop by to see us for an hour or so when they are able. They have standing requests for us to call if we need ANYTHING. I try not to bother them unless it involves changing a light bulb in our 10 ft ceilings or trimming some limbs when they do theirs.
We have paid for our final resting areas, are in the middle of filing our wills and my husband put everything over to me and I to him with our children as POAs. He has been diagnosed with dementia and onset alzheimers. I am fighting colon cancer. The kids know when the time comes, we are to be put in a local nursing home. They have lives of their own, jobs, families and grandchildren to enjoy as we did ours.
Caregiver burnout is real. Unfortunately the "old rules" regarding caring for family members is very much out of date since it takes a full time job to survive. You seem to be a Christian so refer to The covenant between Adam and Eve is summarized in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Same goes for the wife to leave her father and her mother.
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Momswithus....
Your "old time" family members are right. It's also biblical to care for your old and aging parents....look what all they did for you....talk about Sacrifice!! Your mom conceived you, carried you through all 9 months of pregnancy, which is never easy, went thru the Hell of labor and delivery, and brought you into this world....then she and hopefully your father was present, you were raised, fed, cared for and All your needs provided for!! How many years??? Probably at least 18 to 27 years.

Imo, you need to scale back your job, and perform your Real work....taking care of the angel God gave you, until the end.
Enlist hospice help if needed, and enlist others to help out.

Please do your absolute utmost for your precious mother!! You won't always have her.

Think of her before your own needs, give her the best of everything you possibly can....and if you are not saved by Christ the Lord, Repent of your sins, (like selfishness), and put your full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. He will give you a new heart, new desires, and the love, patience, compassion that He alone can and will give.
With God's help, it will be your joy and honor to care for your precious mother! Do It, for her sake, and yours!
John 3:16,17
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Candyapple Sep 2021
I love u, I love u that is the most Honest and straight forward response. people forget they will not be young forever, and that's mom and dad. thank u so much for ur truth.
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Get cameras, get outside help to come in, confine the dogs away from the caregivers. I have lived in 3 assisted living places, and visited 22. They are all horrible. I have physical issues, but not dementia. The abuse and neglect is rampant, because those with dementia can’t communicate with anyone who can do anything about it. I wish everyone who was contemplating long term care for a loved one could live in one of these places for about a month. And this site gets a commission from a facility if they sign someone up. Good luck. I know it is difficult. I took care of my husband for 6 years before he died from falling over an uneven surface at the entrance of the facility. Big lawsuit underway. Wish we had both stayed at home.
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Candyapple Sep 2021
that's so true. I looked at YouTube and saw that for myself. i saw on 60mins the abuse in those places. Its one in a million to find someone whom really loves people and spend there money to make sure ppl are safe. I'm that person and i see u guys are as well. unfortunately, i dont have any funds to run one because i sure would.
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MomswithUs: Imho, proceed with mom moving to the AL and send a card to family after the fact, stating her new address. You cannot keep on status quo.
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Sit down with them and talk through what you have written above - let them come up with a solution. Clearly your mother is not safe whilst you are working so something needs to be arranged for then. Regarding the dogs, I suspect they will consider your dog should go rather than your mother. The problem is expectations of care are generations old and the world has changed. It was reasonable to expect family would care for their elderly when there were people at home all day every day, but this is no longer the case and safety of the elderly has to come first. It needs to be a family decision to ensure all consider they have been involved, but if no one has a better solution than you do then that has to be the decision - its all very well people complaining how something is done, but unless they have a better idea it is not helpful. Good luck, I hope the family can be amicable and discuss this rationally, but can appreciate the "norm" in Italy is different from what would be expected in UK, US, or even other countries in Europe where some have up to 90% of elderly in a facility and build communities to accommodate what people want from retirement age onwards.
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rovana Jan 2022
I believe that the "norm" in Italy is currently not the old-fashioned cultural ideal.
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Let's absolve you of your guilt. Whooosh! Gone!

The goal here is to keep your mother safe. Repeat that-- keep your mother safe. She's already had multiple accidents, falls, has trouble walking and standing. You cannot keep her safe, end of story.

Those families that take care of their parents 'until the end'-- let's discuss that idea. Isn't there usually an extended family system, which means multiple generations living under roof who can help take care of the elder? Do you have additional team members (family) living with you, or are you trying to do this by yourself? Do you really think it's fair to expect that of yourself?

Of course you're tired and your blood pressure has gone up. You are already stressed and stretched to the max. News flash! You are entitled to live your life, go to work, get some rest, go on a vacation, have a relationship....you get the idea. Your whole life is not required to be dedicated and donated to your parent as the expense of your life. No wonder you feel guilty if that is your mind set.

As to the shame, guilt, and all of those other ingrained emotional reactions? Find a therapist, quick. All you are doing is trying to keep your mother safe until the end of her life. I'd say that you deserve praise from your family for your efforts. And, if someone else thinks they can do it better, let them try it for a day or two. They will quickly see that this is an impossible situation.

You are on the right path. Keep going. Take care of yourself so you can be a loving daughter to your mother.
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Beatty Sep 2021
So true. My folks came from stonemasons with megafamilies, multi gens in a house, all related or intermarried in the village. So many people to share the load. Old was probably 60. You fell, broke a hip, died. Stoke, heart attack - died. Probably never got old enough to even get dementia! Oh, and all women were at home right?

Today? Women at work, less kids to help, all grow & move away.

Myself I have 2 parents. Have 2 sibs but 1 disabled needs care also & the other miles away. Cousins all helping their own parents.

Not whinging. Just facts of modern life.

Explain as you can. Mama needed more than I can do BY MYSELF. I have to work to feed my children etc.
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Communicate everything you have written here to them. Explain that your dear mom needs 24/7/365 care and that you have to work full time. Explain that with your pets, you haven't been able to find anybody who could come into the home to care for her.

There are a couple of ways to go with getting your mom help:
1 - assisted living that transitions to full care when she needs it. This is the direction you are currently considering.
2 - adult day program. If you have a Monday - Friday daytime job, your mom could be dropped off in the morning to an adult day program. Nursing homes and personal care homes usually have these services. They will care for her while you work. You pick her up after work. This will only work if you are OK with caring for her during your non-work hours and if she will sleep through the night.
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Okay, Italian daughter here. Lives with the parents (now parent). Works full time. Caregiving just drains the life from you. Last year, when my father was at end-stage Parkinson's, I had to throw in the towel. I asked for hospice, but not at home. It was too much. Another Italian daughter, my cousin, moved her mom into assisted living and then a nursing home. Why? Because with her schedule as a nurse she could not care for her mom. Seriously, sometimes you have to say "Basta!" "Enough!" Your mother doesn't want you to be impoverished after she passes.
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You do seem to have a lot going on in your family. For this question, here’s some suggestions.

1) Our regular poster Anche lives in Milan Italy, has been caring for her mother at home for some time, and is in the process of finding a good facility. Ask her how she’s going, and what the current options are in Italy.

2) In Oz we have a long history of Italian migrants from the 1950s, who brought with them all their customs (like teenage girls not allowed out at night without a chaperone), then did a return trip to Italy and were disgusted to find that customs there were ‘just like Australia now’. Tell all your relations that they are simply out of date, and people in Italy would laugh at them!

3) It’s common for ‘newer’ language skills to fade with age. Putting mother and auntie in the same place sounds like a seriously good idea.
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Anche71 Sep 2021
Hi Margaret, I just answered too before seeing your post. ;-)
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Isn't the mother living with the brother now?
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
Per same OP, post 2 days prior to this one was about brother taking her in. So, did that fall through? What's the deal here?

As for "old" family traditions, they were fine for their time, but today's lifestyle and need for work to make ends meet doesn't mesh with those traditions. You do what you have to do. You can still be supportive of mom, visit often, take her out on occasion or have her come visit at your place. It's the CARE that matters, not whether you can or can't provide 24/7 care (many can't through no fault of their own. I am one, so does that make me a bad person? NOPE! I did everything possible to ensure mom was safe, healthy, clean and well cared for. I could NOT have provided that care for her myself.)

(In response to your other post, at least one person brought up that old chestnut - care for her like she did for you! It's NOT the same, not by a long shot. Caring for a full-sized adult who may outweigh you is in no way comparable to an infant, toddler or even young child. Generally we are much younger and capable of raising children to adulthood. A lot of us are now seniors ourselves, and these parents are not little tiny babies!!! My mother outweighed me by at least 20+ pounds and was not stable on her feet. I have physical limitations and have to be careful or I will end up unable to walk, so there's no way I could "support" this woman in person myself.)
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Don't tell anyone before you move Mom to an AL. Move her in and then tell family. Send out cards. "Just sending a note to tell you Mom is now living at Golden Years Assisted living. If you would like to send her a card or visit, here is the address...." Add a phone# if she has a phone. Your going to get flak no matter if u tell them before or after.
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I come from an Italian family myself……my grandparents were both born in Italy.

My grandparents had 4 children……3 girls and 1 son. One of the daughters didn’t work. After my grandmother passed my grandfather still lived alone in his home. He fell a couple of times and the last time he ended up in the hospital.

None of the children offered to let him live with them & he decided it was safer for him to go in a nursing home and he ended up enjoying the company of the other residents & the activity.

Do not feel guilty about wanting the best care for your mom. She lived her life & you have to think of your own future and plan for what you will do.

Sending you my best wishes and hugs.
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Join forces with your cousin, find a facility that will possibly work for both moms. And place them, let the older generation reel in their disapproval while you and cousin live your lives and prepare for your old age. Hold each other up!
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97yroldmom Sep 2021
Love this idea.
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I am not Italian but my Aunt is first generation. She had her Mom but it got too much and she needed to put her in a NH. In my Moms NH there was an Italian lady whose family owned an upscale Restaurant. Her family must have felt it was the best place for her with Dementia. She went back to only speaking Italian.

Just working pooped me out. I can't imagine coming home and having to care for someone. Place her. Then you know she is safe and you are not worrying about her all day. Does cousin work? Maybe she is being made to feel obligated. She may see u place Mom and then feel she can do it with her Mom. Until you deal with caring for someone Dementia you will just never know.
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Well, it'll be an interesting experiment to see who is better cared for -- mama or auntie -- and who is in better shape financially, mentally, and physically -- your cousin or you?

Tell the judgemental relations you'll file the report after Mom and your aunt have gone to their final reward. 😉
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Barb said,
“If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.”

Maybe take Barb’s words and capitalize all the YOU words.

As in: YOUR livelihood. YOUR ability…

Cause it won’t be THEM possibly breaking down with this burden. It will be YOU.

THEIR lives will go on as they are today.

In my mind, anyone not doing the hands on care, gets zero votes.
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tidalblue Sep 2021
"In my mind, anyone not doing the hands on care, gets zero votes."

Precisely.

Too many people who say "but family" and "it takes a village" fail to actually show up to BE that family and village.

You absolutely need a village here to help your mom. So unless the family will all show up and contribute as much as you need them to, Assisted Living IS the village.
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This is so tough! You may have to endure the disapproval of family members but this is your life! Your health! Your future finances. Too many caregivers here have given up careers and taken in a parent, only to be angry, resentful and ill because they did so. Your cousin has made taking in your aunt work, for whatever reason. But you know you can’t make it work. You’ve tried. At some point your cousin may be angry out of jealousy once she really gets worn down.

Dealing with family members and someone who needs 24/7 care can bring out a lot of anger and grief, especially when there are differences in expectations. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. What would your family do if a stroke incapacitated you? Do you have POA set up? Even with a loved one in assisted living there’s a lot to do if you love them. A therapist might help you weather this time, especially one who knows caregiving and elder issues. Good luck!
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Good Italian daughters also arrange for their parents to be in nice assisted livings in order to “have the best care possible.” And they visit and bring pans of food. I know all about this. Good mothers don’t want to be a burden and are proud of their daughters for having a career. It also sounds like you are doing this all alone. Good families don’t criticize a struggling relative. Putting your mother in assisted living where she can be safe and you can regain your health and sanity sounds like the best decision any daughter can make. Nothing to feel guilty about.
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I am so sorry that you are in this predicament.

This is going to sound harsh.

If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.

If you want to live in this century, in this culture and economy, you will need to develop a thick skin and a lighthearted set of responses to your diapproving elders.

Times change. In former times, people had dozens of children and there was always an ugly unmarriageable daughter who was the designated martyr.

I am grateful I live now and not then.
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LoopyLoo Sep 2021
"Times change. In former times, people had dozens of children and there was always an ugly unmarriageable daughter who was the designated martyr."

Haha! Sadly very true! :)
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Tell them that if they want Mom to not be placed anywhere, they are more than welcome to take her in. I doubt anyone will take you up on it.
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