Tips on telling my mother she will need to move?
A little background- my mother has been living next to me in my condo building since 2018. Diagnosed with dementia in early 2019. She has always been difficult, manipulative and selfish and wasn't a good mother. This has been hell and her dementia has progressed. She can still do ADL's and puts up a charade of independence, but her executive functioning continues to get worse. She can not live "independently" in her condo without me being next door. I could go on and I have a pretty extensive post history here, but basically I have been stuck. I had to put up a huge fight for her to accept having a companion aid for 4 hours a week (which she reduced to every 2 weeks) so in her mind assisted living is out of the question.
Awhile back I went to an elder care attorney to find out if I could force my mother with dementia into assisted living with a DPoA.... the answer is NO. I'm in Florida- a "wait for a crisis" state.
My life changed again with the news that my brother has terminal cancer. He will be lucky to get a couple years and that will be with harsh treatment. That is when the thought started that I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted to move to my adult son's state which is driving distance to my brother's state. 3.5 hour drive.
Now I have gotten more news. For the first time I am going to be a grandmother. I am over the moon with this news, and needless to say it really ramped up my desire to move to his state.
I told my mother the news of the baby, but my siblings do not know as my son wanted to wait until after the first doctor appointment which is tomorrow. Her reaction was ..... meh.
My DH and I have decided we are going to move to my son's state, which is Maryland. I plan to talk to my mother this weekend and let her know she will have to move, because we are moving. She can decide where she wants to be but her only options will be assisted living no matter which adult child she decides to live close to- staying here will not be an option. If she tries to play that card I will take her to court and force the sale which I can do as a co-owner.
My mom will not care that I want/need to be closer to my brother and my son. She will be so angry it will be horrible.
But I'm getting out of something I never should have set up to begin with, and this time around I will be MUCH less prone to her manipulation.
Any tips, because the truth is I dread this talk so much, but it has to happen.
37 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What was the quote about moving the honey to move the bees?
- We r moving from our home and need help cleaning out large items accumulated throughout the years. Also help in moving. Husbnd not healthy!
- How do I tell my family mom's not living here with me and going to assisted living?
- I need to move my Mom out of a house I own that is falling apart. I have a place for her to live, but she refuses. Any ideas?
So - you can stay where you are (not!!) and leave her be and BOTH of you remain unhappy, or
You can tell her she's got to move because you are, and then ONE of you is happy.
I think you've done yeoman's work thus far trying to keep this woman at home, because it's what SHE wanted - even to the incredible sacrifice of your own well-being and happiness. So I don't think you have anything for which to feel guilty or bad about.
So find a place for her that will meet her caregiving needs and go support your brother and enjoy your first grandchild!
If anything I’ve learned, most elders do not want to give up their home. Period. Do what you must ….
Thank you..
Tell her you're going and do it.
The State of Florida says she is a competent adult.
You've been kind and considerate and gotten nothing but grief in return. Let her lawyer handle the fall out.
I remember back years ago when I first realized I made a massive mistake I thought about moving but it always seemed like an outlandish idea. Now it’s very real and going to happen.
Leave the room. Time to reclaim your life.
Let him/her handle the logistics of where your mother is going to live--on her dime of course. The lawyer is going to have to be involved in the property transfer, yes? Just get him/her involved from the get go.
You do what you need to do and give mom over to sis.
My mom is that same way. Never 'happy' about anything, really, unless it's about her.
Congrats on becoming a grandma! I have 14 grands and they are my joy!!
1. Someone on your side in the room.
2. Someone with some "authoritative" stance who can stand up to your mom and tell her "no".
3. Someone who can advise you on what to do if mom goes ballistic and DOES take this to court.
I would be in favor of going back to the eldercare attorney you saw who said you can't force her into care, even with your POA.
I would want to explore the ramifications of resigning your POA. And how to prevent your mom from moving next door to your new home.
she is safe and being cared for and that’s the most important thing for me. I do not let what she says to me about going home affect me as she is in the later stages of dementia. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, be strong, tell her what you are going to do , and do it!!! You will find so much love and joy in that grand baby that it will make things a little easier for you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💜
See All Answers