By clicking
Talk to a Specialist, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
agingcare and all the people are the best!!
But I find myself being constantly upset with his behavior and thinking I could somehow change him back to happy and positive. That's not going to happen. So suggestions have been to set boundaries, learn to say no, and get help so you don't lose your mind. I've been doing this for 10 years and it caught up with me last year. Getting outside help came with another set of problems I didn't foresee. But I had to weigh my options. Don't do what I did and just keep trying to do it all yourself. It will actually affect your health in ways you can't imagine. This may not have been helpful but I hope there's something in here you can use.
You have raised and nurtured a daughter, and now she is on the verge of adulthood. This must give you great pleasure and pride.
And just as your job as caregiver to a youngster is ending, you are thrust into a very different kind of caregiving. Your daughter was growing and learning and becoming less dependent on you as the months went by. Caring for an elder with cognitive issues is very, very different. They are not growing -- they are receding, going backward.
If your daughter read an illustrated book or watched cartoons where bears talked, you did not worry that she had delusions or untrue views of nature. There was a time for, "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" and tooth fairies. You knew that time would go by all too quickly.
But now, my goodness, Mother seriously thinks her dog can talk? Is she back to being 5 years old? Well, yes, on that topic she is. But she may never grow out of this belief. Just hope the dog says pleasant things to her.
I remember well the thermostat wars of my husband's early dementia. Just as I had started researching a locked box to put over it, that obsession passed.
I had to promote my husband from launderer to clothes folder and then to only towel folder.
She doesn't want to leave the house. But look into an Adult Day Health Program (ie. daycare) for her. Generally a bus or van picks them up, they have a hot lunch, and plenty of activities. The van brings them back. Mother might fuss about going but I think it is worth insisting she try it for one day a week for a month. It will be good for her and nice respite for you.
Sometimes I feel a twinge of guilt for sitting and reading for hours on end. And then I remind myself I'm retired. I've always looked forward to being able to just read as long as I want to. Well, I in that place now, so being glad is more appropriate than feeling guilty. So to an extent your mother's desire to "just sit" is understandable. She should be allowed to do that in peace. She doesn't have to be active all the time, but some diversions and activities would be beneficial.
You don't get a manual for how to take care of your mother when her thinking and reasoning abilities fade. But come here often with your concerns. Someone will surely have faced the situation that is challenging you.
Good of you to care for your mom. Its hard being an only child facing all the responsibility and increasing care on your own. We all do the best we can but of course as the years go on and on, it can feel overwhelming. Even though your mom can still do a lot on her own, things can escalate. Don't ever be afraid to recognize when you've had enough and see out community supports or explore all your options. Getting a day to yourself is also very important. Take care of yourself.
I know about that thermostat. Once my young daughter who was cooking for her great aunt ( dementia) swore aunt was turning the ac to 80. Finally figured out it was the batteries in the thermostat. Was about ready to put a locked case over it. You need to get help in. Maybe a " friend" to come keep mom company and give you a regular break. As things progress you have to make adjustments. If you wait too long you lose all perspective. Come here to vent any time but consider help as a relief valve. 79 is not old these days. You have to pace yourself for the long haul.
What's going on? Tell us more. Is it possible to get a good nights sleep? Can you call anyone to come over and relieve you? Give us more details and maybe we can help.