How do you talk to Dad (82) about soiling accidents and cleaning himself after one happens?

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I have been caring for my father for the last 20 years since my Mom passed away. He is 82 now. Recently he's been having "accidents" in his pants. He changes his clothes but doesn't clean himself very well and leaves the toilet seat a mess. He doesn't say anything, just leaves the clothes near the washer. Since I'm his daughter I find it hard to talk to him about things that are so personal and probably embarrassing. Looking for some advice.

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Ive had several talks with my 84 year old Dad. I always just blurt out whatever needs to be said. My Dad has a catheter in right now, so peeing isnt the problem, but yesterday he made a doozy of a mess, and i still cant figure out how he managed it. The bathroom was unsoiled, but the trail of destruction started just outside the bathroom door.... I found what appeared to be mud, on this walker ski, (i wish it had been mud), tracked through my parents bedroom, down the hall, out on the front porch, (to get the paper), and across the kitchen floor, ending at his recliner. There were a couple "chunks" in the bedroom.... I still dont know how he managed to poop on the floor, and then drag his walker through it...
The worst part is that home health care nursing was coming and i couldn't get him to the shower, before they got here, or until i cleaned up the trail. His attitude and answer when i asked "what's up with the trail of nasty Dad?" Was kind of smug, and "it was dark, i couldn't see". Dad gets up when he wakes up, sometimes 2 AM, rarely as late as 8.
I have basically moved in with my parents, and because he fell recently, im sleeping in the livingroom so i can hear his morning travels, (i also got him a whistle)....

The poop thing is frustrating, i can only assume he pooped his pants. Its happened a couple times, (this was the first time for the trail). He NEVER says anything, so you find it all by accident. I get so tired of one way conversations. He has not been cleaning himself well, and im wondering if hes wiping at all. I got him some wipes, and broke it down for him, on how to wipe, look, and continue this process until its clean.
I pray for all of you dealing with similar situations.... I use a lot of laughter to get through it... And wine... Theres always wine!
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time to hire caregivers if that becomes regular and you feel if it's too much work for you.
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It sounds as though he has dementia, and in my experience, Dad doesn't realize what is happening and probably thinks he's doing okay with cleaning up. It certainly isn't pleasant for you but he is probably doing the best he can. I hope you have a copy of the poem, "don't ask me to remember" . It makes life so much easier for both the caregiver and the patient. God bless you both.
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Has he been on antibiotics lately? My husband had fecal incontinence, turned out to be C-diff from the antibiotics. Again, recently, it was sterile diarrhea from the antibiotics. Doctor put him on a round of Flagyl (and probiotics for the first one) and that took care of it. So far he's cleaning up the area pretty well, but I have to remind him about cleaning himself up well. I keep the antibacterial wipes handy for this, also to prevent UTI's for myself, but have to remind him not to flush them, as we have a septic tank.
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I cared for my mom for three years in my home. She did not have dementia. She came to live with me with many health issues and she was incontinent as well. I put her on a schedule and took her to the bathroom regularly. She'd tell me she didn't have to go but I asked her to try anyway and also used the excuse that it was good to walk a little after sitting for a while. She got to the point where only rarely had an accident. The doctor told me the bladder can be trained and that seems to be what we were able to accomplish by this regular routine of trips to the bathroom. So much easier to help her to the bathroom than clean up messes.
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Found another bidet manufacturer besides the Bio-Bidet. You can check out brondell for more choices.
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Some of things my mom did makeme laugh. One day she had to go to bathroom we put her in her potty chair rolling her across floor to bath rm. She didn't make it ,poop mess everywhere I stepped right into it..My 90 yr old Mother couldn't stop laughing. .one day I was pushing her in her wheel chair ran accidentally into large circle of cloths flipped her out onto the middle of rack & then I fell on top of her I was laughing so hard .I accidentally peed my pants on her..She said get off of me. You peed on me!! Then she said to me your going to smash me! I weighed 248lbs mom weight 110 lbs After that she didn't trust me anymore..I would give anything just to be with her again. I have lots of funny stories to tell about mom..
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Matt383- thanks for mentioning the BioBidet- saved me a bit of research. Also some people don't know about this- there is an inexpensive wand that holds (and then releases) toilet tissue for people struggling with reach issues. May be a solution for some people but the BioBidet could be a mini-shower in regards to smells, hand contamination, embarrassment, etc.
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Incontinence is not "having accidents". Incontinence is a losing of the ability to have the sensation of having to eliminate on the toilet and/or losing the muscle function to control the flow, so to speak. If a person is sitting up, in a chair and eliminating right there, I wonder if he/she thinks they are on the toilet.
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Those of you who said that the parent sits up straight on the edge of the chair then relaxes back after the "deed is done" might try calling the elder on this one. When (s)he sits up and assumes that posture, say something like don't you think it's time to visit the bathroom. I'm lucky, my mother does have accidents, but at this point they are really accidents sounds like those who sit up straight and poop are doing it on purpose.
we caregivers have enough on us without a parent/loved one making it harder.
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