How do you talk to Dad (82) about soiling accidents and cleaning himself after one happens?

I cared for my dad as well and we also had to have some uncomfortable conversations over the years.

Now that your dad is 82 it sounds like the caregiving is changing and you're facing some situations you haven't faced in the past. The best way to deal with them is head on and as they come up.

Talk with your dad and tell him what you need from him. Be compassionate. You could say something like:

"Dad, I've noticed recently that you've been having accidents in the bathroom and it's OK, it's a normal part of aging. My concern is that you're able to clean yourself up after an accident so I've put some Depends and wipes and wash cloths in your bathroom to help you get cleaned up. I've also put a small hamper outside your bathroom in case you need it so you can throw your wash cloths in there when you're done. I've also put some paper towels and Windex under your sink so you can clean up the toilet seat. I wouldn't want you to have to sit on the commode when it's dirty."

Be matter of fact, diplomatic, and do what you can so he can hang onto some dignity. As difficult it is for you to discuss this with him I'm sure it's more difficult for him to have to discuss it with you.

I'm sure you'll be very kind when discussing this with your dad. You acknowledge the embarrassing nature of this discussion which tells me that you're a caring person and that you are concerned about your dad's feelings.

I also think that just old age and refocusing on what are priorities during the physical and mental decline are a factor in not being bothered by things that would upset them years earlier.

Expanding on Isn'tEasy's theories...

I've written this before and really believe it's a factor - older folks' priorities change, and so do their sensitivities.

Maslow's heirarchy of needs is no longer multi-dimensional for them. Their focii drop down to the basic few needs and other concerns drop away.

If you think about it, they're in the last stages of their lives, have limited mobility, become dependent on others, and sometimes every day is a struggle. When you're in survival mode, a lot of things aren't important as they were when people were fully functioning.

I sometimes liken it to early humans whose focii were on food, shelter and survival. Higher level thinking processes weren't that necessary except to support the bsaics. Once their got their saber toothed tigers or mastadons, they ate, slept and then went hunting again. They all probably had horrendous body odors but I doubt if it was that important to them.

Moms66angel, I suppose you could be right. But there's a lot to be said about following your gut. Yes, my parents both cleaned up after me; I'll always be grateful for that. However, we're talking about something like childhood, a finite period of time during which such things would eventually cease under normal circumstances.

Doing the same for a grown adult for an interminable amount of time, with a full-time job and obligations of my own, is not something I signed up for, as parents do when they decide to have children.

Of course, I would see to it that Dad would receive the best care possible, even if it isn't rendered by me personally.

I cared for my mom for three years in my home. She did not have dementia. She came to live with me with many health issues and she was incontinent as well. I put her on a schedule and took her to the bathroom regularly. She'd tell me she didn't have to go but I asked her to try anyway and also used the excuse that it was good to walk a little after sitting for a while. She got to the point where only rarely had an accident. The doctor told me the bladder can be trained and that seems to be what we were able to accomplish by this regular routine of trips to the bathroom. So much easier to help her to the bathroom than clean up messes.

Yep. Grandma (95 years old) has this issue too. She said she doesn't even realize she goes. We keep her very stocked with pads- she hates depends as they are difficult for her. Thank god for Amazon Subscribe and Save! She likes Prevail. We got her a diaper genie and she has another trash can as well. I empty the trash a couple times a week and everytime I do, I wipe down the floor/toilet or whatever else. She is fairly good at bathing especially since we moved and she has better accomodations.
I have IBS so I found it easier talking to her about her bowels because I can sympathize with the whole running to the bathroom thing. We can relate in that way. I always tell her I understand how frustrating it is but I can't do much about it.

I've noticed that people with dementia seems to be able to get used to almost anything.
So, I wonder if they really do have awareness that they're about to pee or poop, have extreme body odor from not bathing, are spilling food all over themselves, etc... but, they're just 'ok with it'. Particularly men, who may have had many of their personal habits and preferences accommodated all their adult lives.
The squishy, smelly depends, the shirt that hasn't been changed in a week, the food stains all over the furniture...it just doesn't bother them. But, it does bother those around them.
Dementia in so many ways makes the elderly very toddler-like, so, I wonder if nagging should be employed in the same way as one might with a 2 or 3 year-old.
Obviously, in the later stages of dementia, consciousness of all of those things starts to wane. But, I'm talking about someone who's still communicative and can respond to instructions if they're reinforced repeatedly.
I've tried it with my dad with some success on other issues. I don't nag in the same authoritative tone I would have with my kids when they were young, but I do address the same topic over and over until he starts to change an objectionable behavior. Like it was with my kids, it's sometimes a 'last man standing' situation : )

I've watched dementia rob my husband of 44 years of most of the dignity he always displayed. I've cleaned up the carpet, floors and him. Sometimes I just threw away
the clothing it was so bad. He's always embarrased and my heart aches for those suffering with this lousy disease. Suppose you put yourself in their shoes and remember this is something they can't control. How about doing what you can to clean it up quickly and get on with it. I don't believe any advice you give will help the situation.

It all depends what is condition your loved one has.
I remember one "son" confronting me on hording his mother's diapers because she does not remember having any accidents. Guess what? He did it on front his mother and I still remember how painful it was for her to hear me saying that, indeed, she has accidents every day when in my care (respite/day care). Maybe because she is confused and not sure where the bathroom is, maybe because she does not feel it coming and, by the time she makes it to the bathroom, it's too late and we need to change all her clothes, not only diaper.... I refused to continue discussion on front of her. He called me very next morning and said: "I apologize! My mother just pooped her pants and it was awful! I do not know how you can handle it every day...." and I did hear his mother crying next to him..... What was really awful that he was very open about discussing it on front of her and I knew how heart broken she was to hear that.
So, be considerate! Do not humiliate your patents! Just clean it up or learn how to avoid mess by simply preventing it: trip to the bathroom right after meal, reminding them to use bathroom more often before it's too late, "offering" (insisting!) on helping them to clean up butt, etc.... That's what I do every day.
Besides, keeping that but clean and applying lotions all the time you might prevent "bad sores" which happen not only in the bed. Easier to prevent than heal!

I am going through this with my Mom right now! She says she doesn't know she is doing it. I said "Mom, do you not know you are messing yourself?" She looked at me and said "I don't know nothing"........However, my husband and I have noticed her setting up on the edge of her chair, really straight, and it's at that time she is doing her business in her depends. Because, shortly thereafter, the stench becomes known throughout the house. I used to have a strong stomach but with each new "gift" she gives me, I am becoming more "sick to my stomach". This is a 2 to 3 time a day thing and just started this past weekend. She has been incontinent for the past month and a half or so. Her food has not changed. She still eats her same menu as always. If it doesn't let up after the yogurts and probotics, guess the only solution is to head for the doctor's office. Any suggestions would be helpful. So sorry this is going on with your Dad. It makes it worse when it's your Dad. Been there and done that, too. Stay strong!

Thank you to all who have answered my question and given advice. My brother and I were able to talk to my Dad tonight. He said that it happens when he farts and he doesn't know when its going to happen. He agreed that wearing a disposable under garment would help especially when we go out. We shall see if he keeps up his end of the bargain by telling one of us when it happens so we can help him clean up. Thanks again for the support! So glad I found this forum