My husband is 78 and has dementia. We are both at home with a caregiver. For some time now, he has refused to shower, trim his beard, or cut his hair — it is nearly to his waist.
I have tried everything I can think of to get him to clean up, but he steadfastly refuses. I am 89 and severely physically impaired, although I still take care of the bills and the upkeep of the house and yard. If the caregiver suggests he needs to clean up, he tells her to f--- off. Getting desperate.
If no showers, then large body wipes are still better than nothing. When people need help, it is up to the loved ones to help or find the help for them. Best of luck for you both.
I'm going to say the horrible thing that no-one else wants to. You're approaching 90 years old and you could live to 100, or you could die of old age soon. You can't predict how long you have. What would happen to your husband then?
It would be better if you arranged for his care now, rather than it becoming an emergency situation because you're not there.
There are others on this forum who can advise about how to deal with the financial side of things to ensure that you have money to live on - I have no idea because I live in the UK where things are a bit different (although a care home isn't free, here either, if we have the assets to be able to pay for it ourselves). If you don't get any advice on that front, look at other questions and answers on the forum, as lots of people have raised this topic before.
I know you want to continue taking care of your husband -you love him - but I urge you to consider the practicalities and how feasible this really is if your husband still needs care some years from now.
My best wishes to both of you.
You might need one that can "stand to to toe" with your husband.
I know of several caregivers that can convince the person they are caring for to take showers or bath, get dressed, eat a meal when no one else can,
Now that is if you can continue to care for your husband at home.
Have you discussed medications for anxiety with his doctor? If not it is time to have that talk.
I was told by a Physical Therapist that for many dementia patients the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas and for this reason showering can be traumatic. Pre-medicating him might make him more relaxed and less agitated.
How does he respond to a bed bath?
It does sound like he and you would be safer if he were in Memory Care.
There is no hope for him to get better, and you deserve your own life. You're doing quite a lot with managing bills, house and yard. Please think seriously about getting him the help he needs and getting out from under this problem.
For husband to remain dirty invites problems like skin disease, wounds that won't heal, etc. It's time for professional care. If you and his caregiver can't keep him clean (and it's not your fault!), move on to the next step. There's a time when home care becomes impossible to sustain, and this is it.