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My husband is 78 and has dementia. We are both at home with a caregiver. For some time now, he has refused to shower, trim his beard, or cut his hair — it is nearly to his waist.


I have tried everything I can think of to get him to clean up, but he steadfastly refuses. I am 89 and severely physically impaired, although I still take care of the bills and the upkeep of the house and yard. If the caregiver suggests he needs to clean up, he tells her to f--- off. Getting desperate.

I understand your frustration. I also understand why your husband doesn't want help taking a shower, especially from a woman. People with dementia still have bodily integrity, and the dementia probably is increasing his fear and resistance.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Maybe make it more of "it's time to _____" rather than offer him a choice. Use whatever he enjoys as a bribe to enjoy AFTER the job is done. Sponge baths might be the way to go most days. If you have a tub, he may be more amenable to a bath since showers can be a little intimidating. Find a barber that is willing to come to the house to "trim him up a bit" and pay this person well.
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Reply to Taarna
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HazelM: Speak to his physician.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I would contact his doctor for calming meds if he's so agitated he's telling an aide to eff off. Tell him he can take meds to calm down or go into a nursing home, his choice.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I bribed my husband with donuts or cookies or chocolate! It worked marvelous. It’s tough I know ten years of doing this , try finding his motivation button, for my ha and it was a treat!
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Reply to GeminiSandal
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I learned to carefully shave for my father when he could not. It is not hard, you just need to be careful and gentle. I also cut his hair too. Maybe you can just hire someone to come in the house to help with these issues. If you can’t really afford it, ask family or friends for help. Maybe ask why he does not want to shower? Maybe he is afraid of falling, or forgets what to do? Care.com has people you can hire for help.
If no showers, then large body wipes are still better than nothing. When people need help, it is up to the loved ones to help or find the help for them. Best of luck for you both.
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Reply to Tiger8
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swmckeown76 Jun 18, 2025
There are shower chairs or benches that fit into most showers and bathtubs. I certainly don't need one now (it's in my basement now), but I had a shower bench after recovering from surgery. They aren't costly and likely available online. A shower chair or bench would probably work better in a shower than a bathtub because it would be much easier to get out of a shower than bathtub.
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Ask your Doctor to Hook you up with a CNA for Bathing and Hygiene . When the CNA comes Leave the house and let them do their Job .
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Reply to KNance72
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Hazel, I'm so sorry for what you're having to deal with. It's so sad to see our loved ones become different people.

I'm going to say the horrible thing that no-one else wants to. You're approaching 90 years old and you could live to 100, or you could die of old age soon. You can't predict how long you have. What would happen to your husband then?

It would be better if you arranged for his care now, rather than it becoming an emergency situation because you're not there.

There are others on this forum who can advise about how to deal with the financial side of things to ensure that you have money to live on - I have no idea because I live in the UK where things are a bit different (although a care home isn't free, here either, if we have the assets to be able to pay for it ourselves). If you don't get any advice on that front, look at other questions and answers on the forum, as lots of people have raised this topic before.

I know you want to continue taking care of your husband -you love him - but I urge you to consider the practicalities and how feasible this really is if your husband still needs care some years from now.

My best wishes to both of you.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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swmckeown76 Jun 18, 2025
Definitely. See an estate planning/elderlaw attorney ASAP. S/he can help you protect assets in your name as long as you do it before he requires Medicaid.
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Oh...I hate to say this but you might need to look for another caregiver.
You might need one that can "stand to to toe" with your husband.
I know of several caregivers that can convince the person they are caring for to take showers or bath, get dressed, eat a meal when no one else can,
Now that is if you can continue to care for your husband at home.
Have you discussed medications for anxiety with his doctor? If not it is time to have that talk.
I was told by a Physical Therapist that for many dementia patients the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas and for this reason showering can be traumatic. Pre-medicating him might make him more relaxed and less agitated.
How does he respond to a bed bath?

It does sound like he and you would be safer if he were in Memory Care.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cover9339 Jun 17, 2025
Can't blame them the temp contrast from cold to warm in a shower as an example, can be unsettling probably for many people, dementia or not.
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You don't. There's no reasoning with him. If he moved to a memory care facility, they'd be managing him and you'd be living alone, peaceful and happy.

There is no hope for him to get better, and you deserve your own life. You're doing quite a lot with managing bills, house and yard. Please think seriously about getting him the help he needs and getting out from under this problem.

For husband to remain dirty invites problems like skin disease, wounds that won't heal, etc. It's time for professional care. If you and his caregiver can't keep him clean (and it's not your fault!), move on to the next step. There's a time when home care becomes impossible to sustain, and this is it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Bumping this up for answers from others; if you do a search on this forum you'll see lots of info about hiring bath aides to come in a couple of times to take care of it. Lots of times dementia patients will do better with a non-family member, although from your comment above it looks like your husband can get hostile toward those as well. A male bath aide might work. You're liable to lose the caregiver you have if he doesn't calm down; maybe he needs some meds for his moods.
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Reply to YaYa79
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