We moved my FIL to AL in November. My MIL passed away January 2018 and it was after that we realized things were...”off.” We were living with them throughout my MIL’s illness, but she was the focus at the time. We continued to stay there after her death and in April 2018 he was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia and vascular dementia. We were it, all other sibs live out of state. After finally getting the oldest’s attention (he’s POA in the estate paperwork), the decision was made to move him. The dilemma now is that he compartmentalizes everyone- everyone has a job. Unfortunately I drew the short straw and he sees me as the problem solver. So as soon as I get there he unloads a ton of problems, most aren’t real problems; they’re his perception of things and his perception is terribly skewed. So now I’m constantly barraged with the things he can’t find or that the center doesn’t feed him when the weather is bad or they’re shorting him on his “pay” (they earn bucks for participating in activities). When he can’t find things, he accuses people of stealing when he actually hid the items but doesn’t remember doing it, much less where.
It’s wearing me out. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t want to visit anymore. I know what I said above doesn’t seem like much but that’s the tip of the iceberg. And if the answer I give isn’t to his liking he starts raising his voice at me. I try very hard not to argue with him and divert, but it doesn’t always work.
I've been 2 1/2 years in fight or flight between him and her and I’m exhausted. I don’t care to be around anyone, most days I just want to be left alone (impossible because I’m a teacher). My husband and I are at each other’s throats because I’m so stressed with it all. He’s not home much because he drives a truck.
What can I do to move past this? I’m in such a slump. My husband and I just went on a cruise at the beginning of March- and it was amazing. But the day before we left FIL fell and had to be brought to the ER, then 2 days after we returned he fell and it was another ER trip along with getting orders from his doctor, meeting with staff, etc. So the relaxation from the trip didn’t last long. And in order for us to go anywhere, we have to coordinate with our-of-state family to come to town in case something happens. And when they come in to “help” it’s 6,000 texts and phone calls about what to do, so it’s not really a break. The cruise was great because there was no phone service, but I can’t live on a cruise ship.
Thanks for all all the lovely advice everyone gives!