I have witnessed on too many occasions while visiting my father, that he would smell like urine. His wife is a slight woman and did not know how to care for him. In her mind she only wanted him there with her. She is also a very controlling, mean woman of which you must walk on eggs around her. I put up with her nastiness for my dad.
In the beginning of June of this year my Dad had fallen at home. His wife called her son who lives nearby and he had to pick him up. This was also after a bout of diarrhea. We called the ambulance and dad entered the hospital with a UTI, dehydrated and malnutrition. I spoke to the hospital and said he could not go back to his home. The hospital placed him in our county nursing home. Dad is doing so much better. He gained 10 lbs, his diabetes is in check. He has lucid days and he has sketchy days. He keeps saying. 'No one tells me anything about this place.". I just say I love you and it is my job to make sure you are safe and healthy.
The guilt comes in when his wife visits and wants him to come home. She will not accept the fact that has alzheimers. (dad is 86, wife is 83).
She also will not allow me near her house for financial information.
How to I stop worrying about my dad? I never had children, but I feel like i am trying to take care of one. THanks for listening.

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Is your step mother able to live on her own? Do you get along with her son? Could you have a heart-to-heart with him, concerning her welfare? You want to make sure that your father's absence is not putting her at risk. Also explain about your POA duties and the need to get financial documents. This all assumes that your stepbrother is a reasonable person and is not in denial about his mother's condition. If those assumptions are not correct, you may need to call upon Social Services to check out the situation.

His poor wife's dementia is not your fault, and you have no reason to feel guilty for her behavior. If she were of sound mind and fully healthy herself she is the one who would be making the decisions about where Dad lives. But that is unfortunately not the case. Are you Dad's medical proxy as well as his POA?

You say "her house." Is that because she is the only one living there now, or is the house in her name alone?

This sounds like a complicated situation. I hope that you and your stepbrother can bury old animosities (if any exist) and work together for the good of each of your parents.

Keep us informed on how this develops.
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