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I am concerned about my elderly mom's welfare, but since I live in a different state there is little I can do to change anything. The root of the problem is that my sister took control of every facet of our mom's life after our dad passed away several years ago. My mom trusts her unconditionally, although my sister is a life-long liar, manipulator and thief. My mom is willfully blind to my sister's ways and has given her a sizeable amount of money (~ $200k) in various ways since my father's death. One of my biggest concerns right now is that my sister doles out our mom's array of almost 20 different medications into the dosage dispenser. My sister is a big pothead, and I strongly suspect she does more serious drugs as well. I just feel like at any time my sister can slip other drugs into my mom's containers, or mess with the dosages, etc. She works for a doctor group and in the past has had access to drugs such as Morphine and Ambien. After our dad's death she was giving our mom Ambien that wasn't prescribed to her. She was having her cut them in half thinking they would be less powerful, but it would really conk her out since they are designed as time-released pills. The whole family was there together and we all talked about the effects of Ambien, how you can drive and not be aware of what you are doing, etc. A month later when I discussed it with my mom she flatly denied ever taking Ambien. I think my sister told her to deny it fearing I would report her for giving unprescribed drugs to our mom. I just worry that she can keep our mom in a foggy state to be able to slip things over on her more easily. I suggested to my mom recently that we switch her over to the PillPak system where your prescriptions come grouped in sealed dosage packets. That would relieve my sister from her "duty" and I feel would be a safer way to dispense my mom's meds. But our mom is very resistant to any change and is perfectly content to have my sister in control of her meds. It is truly frustrating that any ideas I have to help keep her safe fall on deaf ears.

Other concerns are my sister's total control of our mom's financial matters. Only she and our mom know what is in the will. I and my brothers are kept in the dark. So even though our mom tells us we are all equal beneficiaries of her will, and we think her intention is to treat us all equally, we won't know until after our mom is gone how that will shake down. I have a pretty good hunch my sister had duped my mom into making her POD on her bank accounts, and sole beneficiary of her annuities. So all that may be left of the estate would be her car and furnishings. The rest would all go to our sister. I am the only one of my siblings that truly doesn't need any money since I have done quite well in life, but I think my sister would love the opportunity to tell me my mother wanted to give me nothing. This would be a big "win" for her since I cut ties with her and this would make good payback. But if I bring up the subject to my mom now while she's alive, I will be labeled "greedy" and "paranoid". Again, very frustrating.

This whole thing has been a nightmare for me since my sister does everything possible to destroy my mom's relationship with me. When I visit she will accuse me (behind my back) of taking something or hiding something that later turns up. This is so hard for me because I am a very conscientious and trustworthy person, and wealthy to boot. I hear it through the grapevine usually months later. It breaks my heart how I am being slandered so as to alienate me from my mom and sibs, and am not there to defend myself.

This time of life has been so sad for me. It is painful to know my mom has put herself in a situation where she is an easy target for abuse and exploitation. But that's how she wants it, so there's nothing I can do to change it. Still, it saddens me and has put a dark cloud over my otherwise happy life. I recently had a birthday and my mom called a week before telling me she was sending a card and some other things, and to make sure she addressed it right. Never did get it. She usually asks my sister to mail things for her, and my toxic sister is more than happy to "oblige". She, being the devious conniving sociopath that she is, loves this situation where she has all the power and control in the family. I vacillate between profound sadness and resolving to no longer give a crap. Anyone have any advise for me? I've come to believe it's a pretty hopeless situation.

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Countrymouse, if it is me you were asking about cutting ties with my sister, it's kind of a complicated story and wasn't just any one thing that led to it. But the "straw that broke the camel's back", the aha moment, happened after our dad passed away about 7 years ago. It confirmed to me beyond any doubt that she was a malicious, manipulative, conning liar. I don't want to give too many details here but her actions made it very clear to me that she had no regard for me at all. I was later telling a friend about the incident and he said "it sounds like she's a sociopath". I started reading everything I could get my hands on about the personality disorder and soon it became very clear that he was right. My reading explained why she would blatantly lie for no apparent reason. It explained why she would "mirror" people to ingratiate herself to them. It explained why she had different personas for different groups of people. It explained why she would try to poison my relationship with my parents, friends and other siblings. Once I knew what she was and that there is no hope of her changing I knew all I could do was remove her from our lives - mine, my kids and husband's. It was pretty easy to do since we live a state away, although complicated by the fact that she is my mom's favorite. So I gave my mom a choice - I no longer accept her and my sister as a "package deal" and if she can't live with that, then I will have to exclude her from my life too. My mom chose to keep me in her life and has grown to accept that my sister and I will probably never reconcile. You ask why I don't confront my sister with my key fears? Simply because she is a pathological liar and I have zero trust in anything she would say. So what's the point? She has shown me who she is, and I believe her.
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You say you "cut ties with" your sister. When and in what circumstances did that happen, please?

It's just that I've read and reread your account, and I think of you lying awake rehearsing it, and it occurs to me that you could be writing on my sister's behalf. She, too, has had to endure the nightmare of her feckless, irresponsible, untrustworthy younger sister (that's me she'd be talking about, by the way) gradually and secretively usurping control of her well-off widowed mother's life etc etc etc and I wonder: would your sister recognise herself from your description?

One point that chimed loudly is that I particularly remember the almost-wail with which my sister remarked that my mother still had the right to alter her will..! I chose not to rise to that and pretended I had no idea what implications, pray, might be of such concern to her, but I smiled inside. My sister, too, is wealthy and doesn't need the money - it would be the injustice of four siblings not being treated with scrupulous equity that bothers her. As it happens, I have no idea what's in my mother's will - I expect cats feature - and had she wanted to change it I still would have no idea, although I would have facilitated her attorney's visiting. So my sister can rest her mind.

Rather than rely on the grapevine, why don't you confront your sister with your key fears? Maybe you could, too.
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Maintain contact with your mother, please. It would also help if all the siblings could agree on who should be made Guardian for mom and petition the court as soon as possible to have a Guardian appointed. If you all agree except that one sister, moved forward to protect mom and her estate.
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Sometimes all you can do is to save yourself from sociopaths by going no contact. They take great pleasure is doing evil every way they can and you cannot change them. Save yourself and refuse to dance to their tune. They are empty, miserable people - so if they manage to grab the money, don't bother feeling bad because they are incapable of enjoying it. Just endless emptiness inside them, constantly gnawing at them. If your parents are cowardly enablers, well that is their choice, and again, not much you can do but keep your distance.
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4-20-15
2ndbest: Thought for sure your story must have been written by my other sister! I have 2 sisters. Our mother recently died at almost 101 years of age, so I'm no spring chicken, am stunned and embittered anyway. There was close to $400K left at the end, from the sale of a condo and my frugal mother's life savings. Our mother made no pretense, never claimed to be leaving her assets equally to her 3 daughters, played us against each other from childhood, but Sister#2 and I hoped to inherit 1/3 of CDs/Bank Shares promised to us, and Mom was evasive. Years ago, Mom wanted to leave her condo to Sister #3/the youngest and most needy. Sister#3 insisted her name be added as an additional beneficiary of the CDs. The condo was sold when Mom entered a retirement home at age 97. When our mother was almost 99 years old, we recently found out, Sister#3 took Mom to three banks holding Mom's money, and had everything, every last cent, made POD to herself, Sister#3. Sister#2 and I were, in effect disinherited. We all did as much as we could for our mother when she was alive, especially in her declining years, and I even delivered the eulogy at her memorial service. There was enough money to leave something to Sister#2 and myself. Sister#3 demonized us to our mother, bribed our mother with stuff, (clothes/jewelry/perfume/flat-screen tv!), and inherited everything. Life goes on for the living, but without possibility of family reconciliation, Mom's legacy and the real loss.
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Thank you for your responses Bablou and longhairedlily...appreciate you taking the time to read my sad tale and share your thoughts. So sorry to hear you are dealing with a similar defective sister, longhairedlily. It is so difficult and complicates the entire family interactions so needlessly. I would love nothing more than to contribute to my mom's care and feel free to be involved, even though I live far away. I do care a lot about my mom, but seems like anything I try to do is criticized and always cast in a bad light. It's so hard to not take it personally. It has gotten to the point that I am paranoid. For example, since I never got the birthday card and whatever else my mom said she was sending me for my birthday, I am assuming my sister ditched it somewhere instead of mailing it. Reasons for her doing that would be 1) to make me feel my mom just ignored my birthday and hurt my feelings, and 2) didn't want me to have any written recent evidence of my mom caring about me should this all end up in court once my mom is gone. I shouldn't have to even think those thoughts, but that is what this all has done to me. Don't be so sure it was your mum's doing that your son was ignored at Christmas...she may have asked your sister to mail the card, gift etc. See how these sick people operate? It is just so evil and distressing. Thank you both again for your answers and I wish you peace.
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2nd best my sister is too a sociopath and has financially abused my parents too. I have cut myself off from the family as my sister has done so much to me and Mum has always enabled her behavior. My father is now in a home for dementia, Mum is so twisted she ignored my son at Christmas-no card nothing. I gave up trying to be the bigger person I was in harms way and so was my son. I am 44 and I'll be damned if I will endure anymore heartache. I don't expect to get any inheritance after my parents secretly gave my sister 100k equity release and an additional 18k of their savings. I have been betrayed and left to her the wolf on so many occasions. 2nd best think to yourself do you want peace of mind and heart, sometimes it is best to walk away. Love and light.
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2nd Best, your name says it all. The only person who can change in this equation is you, and, given all these issues, it's going to take some time in counseling for you to be able to accept what's going on.
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