Mom (90) has lived 6 yrs with us and helped financially. I have non-epileptic stress seizures. Brother will take her. She feels unwanted.Help!

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Mom took turns caring for her mother and father with 9 siblings so they could stay in their home. She always said, "No nursing home, we care for our own". Mom took in her mother in law until she died at 95. Dad had my husband promise to care for mom after he died. He died in 2007. My son is 28 & is Bi-Polar and has schizoaffective disorder. He has unpredictable mood swings and behavior. He receives Soc. Sec. &has his own subsidized apartment. He is unable to work most of the time, though he tries to work part time when he feels stable. He belongs to a mental health day program. He needs our constant involvement. My daughter is 19. She has Aspbergers Autism and possible Bi-polar. She lives with us and is in the School Transitional Program. She works 2 hrs per day, 4 days per week with a job coach and earns a stipend. She has unpredictable mood swings. I had back surgery that has left me with pain on and off, weakness, and constant numbness and tingling in my feet. I returned to work for 1 month after being off work for 7 months from surgery. I developed acute anxiety, couldn't talk normal and had seizures. A neurologist said it was only from stress and I have to make changes. I lost my job and am always exhausted, can't focus, concentrate and I am forgetful. Mom treated my siblings good growing up but always picked on me, put me down and made me feel bad about myself. I hoped living with me would bring us closer. It has a little bit and she is not quite so mean to me but still takes it out on me if she is upset about something that has nothing to do with me. I want to carry out my responsibility and keep mom until she dies but my husband says not at the expense of my health and the way she mis-treats me and talks about my family to others.My husband and son hardly even speak to her unless they have to because of the things she has said. Mom's organs are good, she only has arthritis pain, severe incontinence (house smells from it) and occasional dizziness due to fluctuations in her blood pressure which is not worrisome per her doctors reports. I know she will hate me and my family for making her leave as she was quite happy living in my home and very comfortable as it is only 1mile from her home and her doctors, library, and stores are nearby. I think my dad is looking down on me from heaven and is very disappointed in me as the eldest daughter that I am having my mom uprooted from my home at the age of 90. Please note longevity runs her family . All 7 sisters and 1 brother are still alive and doing o.k. Only her sister that is 93 is doing poorly health wise, but is hanging on. I am afraid that mom will feel like a burden and so unloved that she'll give up on life and die after she moves out. The move to my brother's house will be done gradually and he has a much smaller house than we do. Mom just muttered today "I know when I'm not wanted". My brother only told her yesterday to think about the move as it will be better for all of us and he wants her. She never even wanted to spend a night away from my home with my 3 siblings and said she would never want to live for a three month period with each of us to split it up. She said she just wants to be part of a family and live with us because my husband asked her to do so after my dad died. What do I do? I feel so bad and hoped my relationship would improve with my mom and my health so she could stay with me. My husband she can't stay anymore, we have no privacy as she is into everything we do and talks about us to her sisters and their families all the time. My husband says he wants me well so my mom has to go. She will hate me forever and I feel so guilty because I agree with my husband. Has this happened to anyone else? Is there anyway to make my mom happy about her move and me to not feel guilty? I'm scared and just really needed to tell someone who understands. So sorry for the long explanation

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Thank you Rovans. I think I need to hit this head on and give a date that mom has to be moved out of my home. I'm thinking within 30 days. She can move temporarily into my brother's home if that is what they want but she can't come back to my home. My siblings will have to decide on her permanent home at that point. I'll be happy to visit mom and take her out to lunch or a movie but she won't be able to come back to my home. Everything you said makes a lot of sense and I can't wait forever until others decide to do something. Thanks again and wish me luck to stay strong on this decision and not be guilted or bullied out of it.
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Perplexed - your health and marriage must come first. Think about it - if you ruin your health than how can you help your mom at all? With promises, you always have to keep in mind that they are made at one time, but time moves on, things change, they become impossible to fulfill - you have to cut yourself some reasonable slack here, since none of us is able to see into the future. We just have to go with what we have to work with. In fact, you have done much more than most people to care for your mom, but you have much too much on your plate to deal with!! You're human after all! I think your husband is right - mom and your family have to make other living arrangements. NOTHING will be gained by procrastinating, doing things "gradually" whatever that is supposed to mean---- I can understand your brother's wife - sounds like your brother landed all this on her without her permission and she wants no part of it. So be it. Sounds like time for mom to go into assisted living - somewhere other than living in your home or your brother's home. Think about it for a minute - these ideas of "I never want to go into a home" come from another time and place. People did not live into extreme old age unless they were pretty healthy - you didn't die for years, you dropped dead. 911 did not exist, no resuscitation, no respirators, no dialysis. So if you live into extreme old age, you can't realistically expect family to care for you the way they might have generations ago. You have the responsibility to accommodate your situation - to put it crudely, your problems are yours and you try to save everyone else the burden of dealing with you, as much as possible, being grateful for all help extended to you, but not falling into entitlement thinking. (Allowances being made for mental incapacity). But it seems decisiveness is called for here - not leaving the situation unresolved. If your sister-in-law does not want mom, then why not move quickly into the assisted living mode? (Mom may not like it, but she will survive - at the rate you are going, you may not.)
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Thank you both for your comments. You really made me feel better. You are right, mom has always used guilt on me. I spoke with my brother who wants mom and says I have done enough and need to take care of myself and family. Then, I spoke with his wife, who is sounding like she is trying to back out. She asked if this is just for a couple of nights, temporary or permanent? I told her it's permanent, I can't take care of mom anymore. She just said we need to talk more and figure things out very gradually. She said she wants to help me out more. It sounded like she wants me to keep mom and will just help more. For the last 2 years, I have asked my siblings for help and to visit mom and take her out to give us a break.They started a once a week sibling rotation visit on Saturdays two months ago.Unfortunately, it's at my house and my mom expects me to make lunch for them. If my brother and his wife drag out my mom's move for months or decide not to take her, I don't know what I'll do! I know my husband has had it.
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You have to take care of yourself and your family first. You have done the very best you could and probably much more than many of us. No reason to feel guilty, as long as Mom is safe and well cared for (wherever) your job is done. We make these promises under different circumstances and things change and that is just how life goes. Talk to your doctor or a therapist but you really should just take a deep breath and be glad there was a easy solution. Good luck!
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She will not hate you forever, just about a month. she isn't going to a nursing home, but to a loving son's house. If you don't allow her to manipulate you with guilt, it will be a wonderful thing for both of you. Stop worrying and stop the guilt, it never helped anything. For all you know she will enjoy being with her son. Stop it, just stop it. Things will work out, even if they don't you have your privacy and marriage back. Concentrate on the good. Your mother won't hate you. She needs you. If you stop allowing her to manipulate you, she will change her behavior towards you.

If you can't shut the guilt and worry, see a shrink. A good therapist will help you work through this issues. You did a helluva job taking care of your mother for so long. cut yourself some slack, and enjoy your freedom.
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