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I've been dating this man and recently movedin wwith him at his grandfathers home. Recently he lost his job temporarily and I have been unable to keep a job since moving in as I was new to town and didnt have anything established before I moved in and its pretty far in the country and emotionally havent been solid enough to maintain good working relationships. I have a history of mental health issues. Nothing severe but...
His grandpa has always been a very hard worker. He homesteads his property on the hill and it's beautiful. He worked in the mines and on the docks, all while clearing and building his bit of land. Now he is in constant pain and has many health issues, but will not discuss anything with his grandson or I.

The reason its the two of us and not any of his children is complicated and the family dynamic is quite depressing. His children turned out the total opposite of him. Sloppy, lazy, broke, selfish, etc. And he is very angry and disappointed with them.

He is always complaining and saying how horrible it is out in the world and adamantly believes these facts he came up with in his head. He blames every bad thing on women working and voting. No jobs, drug use, traffic, seeing women in movies sends him on these tangents... My boyfriend and I come up for breakfast around 9 am and he always says good afternoon and goes on about how awful we are for taking a few extra hours in the morning for ourselves.

We always are trying to get him out of the house (because he can still get around and being a laborer his pride makes him get out) and work in the yard doing little tasks. We are doing everything we can to keep him busy and active and alert and make his last days pleasant. If we weren't there...nobody would be and he'd be getting out and doing yard work anyway and no one would be there to help if he got hurt.

He is getting forgetful and has always been a very private person and distracting. But with us around and his mind slipping more he is always blaming either of us for stealing tiny little things. Remotes, keys, phone numbers, etc just to mess with hum. Or stealing things like a walker he left at the hospital and selling it. Or stealing insurance paperwork he never updated so that we would get his license taken.
It's never ending. And our relationship is suffering badly. My emotions and mental stability is suffering. I am not the kind of person ro harm others...just be very depressed and anxiety attacks. I've lost any sense of who I am, what my goals are, everything.

I'm getting very involved with all the little family he has and its making the emotional distance I was keeping very difficult. I'm not really sure what I'm asking. The only advice I've been able to find is "don't take his violent verbal attacks personally". I'm having a very hard time doing that as I'm already emotional. I'm getting counselling but I just could use some advice. I'm super isolated. I just feel like this would be easier if he actually had dementia or something I could blame this behavior on.

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Thank you godcares, I recently started working again cleaning homes businesses and have a major job interview coming up in a week. I suppose I was just sitting in the mud crying about it but I'm reaching out on here and really finding work which have been huge steps for me...so I'm praying and god helps those who help themselves so I'm trying to help myself with His guidance.
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If you get stuck in the mud will you just sit there and hope to be helped or will you do whateve it takes to get out or will you just keep being sucked in. Find your strength grab the rope of hope and pull yourself out. God Bless
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Sunshine, you have some choices to make here. You seem to be telling us that you had more of a life ( job, car, prospects) before you moved in here. Is someone selling you a bill of goods that you need to stay and caregive ? That this is a "wonderful old man" and his stories need to be listened to! That can happen in the evening, after work, you know. Something is telling me that you are being played here. Post back. Let's talk about this.
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We are not here because we want his property. We are here because he does have some very serious health conditions and after his wife passed he became very very depressed and nobody would come around to see him. When each of us moved in we both had jobs. My jobs were very part time so I could leave room for his care in my schedule and there is a political situation with his job and will be back to work in a few months. He sees his not working at the time a blessing to be able to spend that time with his grandpa, helping him maintain a beautiful property, making sure he doesn't get hurt or lonely and getting to hear all these wonderful stories he has to tell. I have to look back over the other comments left under this post, and I very much appreciate all comments, warnings, supportive words, and guidance. I feel very much lost as an individual. I am broke and kind of stuck in this situation right now, and am not really sure how I could politely side step out of here as finding work is proving to be difficult (I do have 2 pretty good prospects coming up in a month or so!! =D) as I am so far away, have no money or car of my own (I did before this all) and now I am getting so close to the old man and all of the random family its like i'm getting sucked in to some spiral of helplessness and dependency and I do not like it and am very unsure as to how to re-establish my self sufficiency in this situation.
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You, unemployed, and your boyfriend, unemployed, are living with an 84 year old who has a beautiful homestead in the country because he worked his backside off to acquire and keep it. Are you surprised that he is angry, bitter and disappointed in the succeeding generations? He doesn't want his grandson around humouring and mollycoddling an old man. He wants his grandson to get out into the world and make his fortune. You should both comply, leaving his grandfather's details with his local social services on your way out.

By the way, you mention "his last days." He's 84: unless he has health problems that you haven't mentioned there may be a great many more last days ahead than you realise. I hope your boyfriend and you aren't counting chickens long, long before they hatch.
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@Godcares - excellent, practical advice!
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I can tell you, the more jis condition progresses the more he will lash out. If you really love this guy stick with it stand strong stay close be patient pray to God for strength, seek legal aid, God forbid but if anything happens if you are to get the house and contents get it in writing beforehe ccompletely loose his memory. Thay way the children can't put anyone out and you don't want the property to be tied up in what's called air property. That's where it goes to all the children but the one that's closes always takes on the responsibility of keeping taxes paid and property taken care of. So consider is it worthwhile. Talk to your boyfriend who is soon to be your husband, and do it all right and it will be alright. God Bless
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Oh, and one more question from someone who doesn't know you but doesn't want you to waste your life.

What are YOUR goals?
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"It's never ending. And our relationship is suffering badly. My emotions and mental stability is suffering. I am not the kind of person ro harm others...just be very depressed and anxiety attacks. I've lost any sense of who I am, what my goals are, everything.

I'm getting very involved with all the little family he has and its making the emotional distance I was keeping very difficult. I'm not really sure what I'm asking. The only advice I've been able to find is "don't take his violent verbal attacks personally". I'm having a very hard time doing that as I'm already emotional. I'm getting counselling but I just could use some advice. I'm super isolated. I just feel like this would be easier if he actually had dementia or something I could blame this behavior on."

I want you to re-read what you wrote and ask yourself how YOU would answer the question if you didn't know you.

May I ask how old you are?

At any rate, Freq Flyer's advice is excellent, as it all others...but hers is particular good. Look up everything to do with dementia/Alzheimers and ask yourself if you're ready for this.

I'm 63 years old and settled with no other commitments or obligations. One thing you're going to have to understand is if you don't want him to hurt himself, you cannot leave him alone for long. That IS going to ruin the relationship if you and/or your boyfriend like some semblance of a social life. It's you who is going to take on the responsibility of caring for this man if your boyfriend is anything like most men (sorry to anyone out there who is a guy and is doing this on their own...kudos to you) ...but it's usually the woman who takes on the responsibility.

You don't say where your parents are or your family (or I don't recall reading it)....that relationship will suffer if they are around.

I wish you the best and hope you really understand what you are getting yourself into.

Also, remember....he's your 'boyfriend'. Nothing else. That mans when the relationship starts to suffer and HE doesn't like it, you're out. I'm sorry to have to put that so bluntly, but sometimes truth hurts. No matter how much you believe your relationship is good, even marriages break up over this.
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Leave. There is nothing for you with either of these men. Neither one has anything to offer you, and you don't offer them much either, in your current state. Get out on your own, find a women's shelter or homeless shelter, and begin to rebuild YOUR life. Have some self-respect, don't engage in sexual relationships unless both of you are well-employed and able to support a family. Get yourself to a better standard of living and that is definitely not living in a Basement of your cohabitation sex partner's grandfather's home out in the boonies. Maybe I'm wrong on a few details but your situation just sounds way too depressing. I had an alcoholic boyfriend once, and it was the worst 3 years of my life, a Total Waste of Time! Run for your life!
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You live in his house, but you don't have to live in his world. He is a true dinosaur - his philosophy of what women are good for would fly in Saudi Arabia, but one of the last of the breed here in the USA (I hope). AND, to top that off, he is a dinosaur in the process of developing dementia. If he really had all his marbles, he'd realize that berating the last two people in the world who will help him age in place and live his life in his own home was not such a brilliant idea. FreqFlyer has it quite right - the paranoid delusions stem from poor reasoning and wishful thinking - he can't imagine his OWN mind is failing him, it must be someone's fault, and good caregivers are the ones available to be blamed. Happens all the time.

I think you have your real answers about why his kids are not involved - they have already distanced himself from the abuse. And his "last days" may not be just a few if he's still got the health to get up and out and do yard work.

So - you can either handle it and take it with a grain of salt and a lot of detachment and humor, use any of it you can for an Archie Bunker-esque sitcom that might make you both rich someday (well, probably not, but maybe someone would buy the screen play or the book if you could write one) OR there is no way to do it and keep yourself this side of sane, in which case you really do have to get out of the situation.
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sunshinedust, here is a good article from the Aging Care website regarding dementia [which sounds like what the Grandfather might have] and accusing others of stealing from him. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

There are other really good articles here. Go to the blue bar near the top of the page and click on SENIOR LIVING.... now click on "Alzheimer's Care", now scroll down to the topics. This will give both you and the Grandson a better idea of what is going on.... then decide what is your next step.
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I agree with all the above. You have to distance yourself from the situation. This man is not ur responsibility.
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How old is grandpa?

How old is boyfriend?

How old are you?

What's the end game here?
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This is not a good situation for you. You are isolated. You are berated. You have lost your privacy. Not good at all -- even if you didn't have mental health issues, which you do.

You need to remove yourself from this environment.

You don't necessarily have to break up with your boyfriend, but postpone living with him until he is on his own.

I think you might be getting a glimpse of why his children are not close to him. They are lazy and worthless ACCORDING TO HIM. Do you think anyone could live up to his standards?

Losing things and blaming others for stealing them is a classic dementia symptom. Forgetting where you put the remote becomes more frequent with dementia but admitting that is frightening. It seems much safer to blame someone else. Grandfather is sick. He needs more help than you and his grandson can provide. That is sad, but it is the reality. I think grandson needs to get help from professionals, perhaps starting with the area agency on aging or the county social services office.

But what YOU should do is take care of your own mental and physical health and get out of that environment.
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Sunshine, this sounds like an impossible situation to try to fix. How lomg have you been there? Whay did grandpa do before you arrived? Has grandson been living with him for a long time? How did that start?

I think you probably know this is not a good situation for you. My advice is to develop your plan to return to a life you will enjoy.
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Ditto
CMagnum said it best.
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What advice is your counselor giving you?

Are you taking any mental health related meds?

Being super isolated and not having a job anymore is not good for anyone's mental health.

What attracts you to you boyfriend?

How old is he?

Has he been married before?

How old are you?

What were you dong before you met this man?

How long have you known him before moving in with him?

Why were you willing to move into such a depressing situation?

This sounds like a rather dependent situation with you taking most of the risks. It does not sound good at all that your emotional and mental stability is suffering. You're very depressed and anxious plus have lost any sense of who you are and what your goals are.

From your description, my advice would be to leave as soon as you can.

Sorry to be so bleak, but this sounds bleak.
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