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I am the 4 yrs older, we grew up together and always close. I was always the protector of both mom and younger sister, sure us sisters would fight growing up but we loved each other. From the day she was brought home from hospital I LOVED her. She always had a connection with our father and I was closer to our mother. That connection carried through as adults as well. I am more blunt, to the point, bossy, take charge, fix the problem, talk it out, agree to disagree, debate, etc. I will put my own wellbeing on the line to help emotionally, financially, my relationships, etc. to be there for my loved ones. I am 44, single (won't bring anyone in my life since my last parent died, mom due to going through a possible loss of some sort again), I was married for 1 yr during the 2 yrs my mother was dying. I wanted her to see me get married and have a child so she could see and hold my baby and that baby could at least be touched by the love of my life my mother before she passed. Well, due to all the stress during that time I lost both babies and husband left me. So, now I am too old for child. In 10 yr span in my 30's I lost 7 people 6 of those were people who I felt unconditional love from ever....They are gone. Sister got pregnant at 17 & I was 21 (I was so upset more in a protective way) once baby was born I was there and cried out of happiness. She was married, divorced, married had another child and now divorced (she left 2nd husband one yr after mom passed, mom passed after dad by 4 yrs). During mom's two yrs of dying in front of us sister and I lived 10 mins from each other (Sister married with two kids, living the life), we both cared for mom but I took the lead perhaps out of being the older sibling, mom moved in with me, I took a leave from work to care give 24/7 at 36 yrs old, newly married (huge mistake), I worry a lot, younger sister doesn't. I prepare for the "what if's" and have back up plans. She doesn't.. I feel what others are feeling (sad, lonely, upset), she doesn't. It's odd, it's natural for me and I feel or thought it was natural for everyone to feel and notice these same things. I have high expectations of people. I know that is a problem. I never really needed my sister to take care of me or be there for me in our whole lives until mom was passing away. I always naturally took care of my sister my whole life so when I needed her she was not there.... she's never been alone baby at 17, lived with parents, to husband to parents to next husband to me to boyfriend to me, etc. I moved out at 18 yrs old and have been independent since. Caregiving stressed us out to no end and doing so at a young age of 32 yrs old and 36yrs. mom at 60 yrs old. Non stop worry and just ick for 2 yrs. The night mom passed away her and I just left mom (home care facility, not a nursing home), I got a call from sister saying we gotta go NOW, it's happening.. I get in car and she did, we stayed on phone while each driving to mom, I got there first, walking up to the house I kept her on the phone with me and caregiver came outside and put hands on my shoulders and said she's gone.. I covered my ears again with sister on phone, screaming NO NO NO NO, don't say those words, STOP, I dropped to my knees in the street making a sound so hurling that came from the deepest part of my soul. I died at that moment in time. Sister heard all those going on via the phone. within a minute I saw her headlights, hung up the phone and ran to her car, she got out and we stood in street hugging. We had to go into the house to see mom, say goodbye, etc. I was scared to see mom gone, we held hands and I had her go first holding her hand behind her. Kissed moms forehead many time, her cheeks, her hands, everything... I called to have them come pick her up, did the paperwork at the table with coroner, etc. middle of the night it's time to go home and I have an empty house to go to and she goes home to a husband and two kids. Now, if that was me following my sister after our last parent died and knew she was all alone I would of said you come to my place or would you like me to come to your place. I went home alone and mourned for months / years. She had distraction and life around her I had nothing but a home that I took care of my mother in, lost two babies and a husband leave.. that house became a safe place for me and a very dark place. Sister started working out, losing weight, became volunteer fire fighter, had an affair when husband left for overseas work, wasn't around to be a mother of her two boys, started lying, being destructive with herself.. I was working and home in bed depressed... she had no time for me... Decided to leave husband, had to live with me b/c couldn't afford a place on her own, I gave her $6K for divorce, and rental house so her youngest could stay in same school district. Then moved in again with me, losing a job I am right there, needs money again, etc. I feel used and NO LOVE.

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Ce ce, I feel the same way you do about your sister, thinking, " How can she not love me back or seem to need that sisterly love?" You see, some people will hate you because you have your life the way you do or if you are pretty or any number of things. They don't want to be haters, they just can't help it. So many people see one or two things about someone else's life that they feel would fix their own problem I they "just had that"-- what you have. But, they're wrong. You have to live w/ your choices & so do they. Otherwise, they'd be living the same life you, right? No, your sister is living thew life she wants. That's what you need to do. I got so tired of everyone in my family telling me how to take care of my kids, my dad, etc,,,,I finally stopped it by informing them all (dad included) that I am taking a block of time to take care of myself. I have long had a chronic illness that will kill me if I do nothing about it. Things had become so ludicrous w dad : ex: he eats a whole tub of butter = Sends his cholesterol way up, appointments then to cardiologist, pharmacy for meds now.... All for what? I can't watch him every second & he likes the attention. I had to say to myself : "This is MY life! This is what I'm doing with it & I have no one to blame but, myself! " I decided to start taking care of myself & I have been in treatment 14 weeks now & am doing great. I just told Dad & the rest that this is what I'm doing now with my life because it's my life I'm saving & I don't see anyone taking care of me or expressing concern so this is what's gonna happen now.. Many things immediately happened after that that amazed me. All the criticism stopped & they all took a giant step back & let me be right where I was! I let all the criticizers do whatever their hearts desired concerning dad, & they have all just picked up the slack fine. After I get well, you know what I'm going to do? LIVE! I mean, really live my own precious life, my way. People will say what they will & haters will hate you without cause & you can't fix them! I have been unselfish,loving, & giving But, no one will save me but me! So, that's what I'm doing. You know? It's working out pretty darn well so far! Peace! blou
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I am EXACTLY like you CeCe13!!!! My sister and I are 4 years apart. I am older. I am too and ......(these are your exact words) "more blunt, to the point, bossy, take charge, fix the problem, talk it out, agree to disagree, debate, etc. I will put my own well being on the line to help emotionally, financially, my relationships, etc. to be there for my loved ones". That is ME too! Ok........now, about you and your sister you said... "I worry a lot, younger sister doesn't. I prepare for the "what if's" and have back up plans. She doesn't.. I feel what others are feeling (sad, lonely, upset), she doesn't. It's odd, it's natural for me and I feel or thought it was natural for everyone to feel and notice these same things. I have high expectations of people. I know that is a problem. I never really needed my sister to take care of me or be there for me in our whole lives until mom was passing away. I always naturally took care of my sister my whole life so when I needed her she was not there...."

Ok, so here's my point.....First of all, I'm 58. No children. My sister is 55, no children. My situation is much better than yours in that regard. That is a HUGE difference between me and you so I want to say right off that anything I say to relate to you while it may be helpful, is NOT really the same. It helped me alot to relate to my sister because she did not have children. You must remember something.......older siblings are different than the younger siblings. We (the older) are burdened with the responsibility of being older. Somehow life puts us in a position (we didn't do it) to appoint ourselves the leader. Your personality was formed for you largely in part by your position of being the older sibling. It's a battle with ourselves.........not between us and our younger sisters. You must see your life in that light...........because it's the truth. I would have MUCH rather been born the youngest in the family. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it has been my experience that the youngest in the family vs. the older siblings seem to be born with a bit more carefree attitude. I'm sure I will get bombbarded by a million younger siblings that disagree withe me. Could it be they are younger....haha. CeCe13..........we are EXACTLY ALIKE! If you want a friend........via regular e-mail just post back on this site. I feel your pain..........!
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I think you have assumed the role of "Mother" and your sister is like a the kid you never had who comes to you when she "needs your help" or has nowhere else to go. You are "home" to her. While that may always be a comfort to her, I am sensing that you need to feel you can lean on or count on her for some things. She may not feel the loss as much because you are there to "mother" her and she went through this when your dad passed (being closer to him) Even though it seems she is not successful in her relationships, she is doing what is natural for children to do to be independent from their parents: Seeking a mate, having children...., You have to get out of bed, go outside and get yourself involved in anything & everything you ever wanted to do. It's time! This is your time! You have the rest of your life to do whatever you want. Time to fill all the hopes & dreams you never got to. This is YOUR time. You can sit around & look what everyone else is doing with their life, judging them, or you can get your own life & live life to the fullest! Take that money & go on cruise (I might go with you!), jump out of an airplane & parachute down, ..... whatever you want to do is whatever you dare to do. It's your sister's life she's living. You live yours. You get one shot. You're not done yet. Just keep saying, "...anything I want, whatever I want, ..." and you'll feel like the luckiest person who just found a lamp w/ a Genie in it! It's all in how YOU choose to look at it.
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Thank you all who have responded. I know there were a lot of typos in my "story" ugh! I have read your responses a few times each. I have been told I am being used by a few people and I know deep down it's true but a few things run through my mind when I hear this: No, how could she possibly dislike me so much to actually "use" the only sister that has been there for her, her whole life? 1st -That can't be true, I love her so very much how can she not love me?, 2nd - she is such a giver to everyone else like friends, her work and guys (not so much for her younger child as she was for her oldest) that she can't ever be there for me.. does she dislike me that much?, 3rd - I can't just let her go, she is the only connection I have to mom and dad is with her and she is the only family I have left. 4th - Doesn't God want us to help others?, 5th - Since God's plan was not for me to have my own children, to have my parents die at an early age, to have my bio-father not want me, to make my career in helping others which I am a Recruiter (help people find employment) which is my LOVE / PASSION, for my mother to have written in our cards she gave each of us girls.. Mine was "take care of your sister", hers was "we've had some good times together, I've enjoyed our talks"... So I am trying to honor moms wishes and do what I've always done as a big sister is watch out for her, protect her, guide her, love her, help her when she falls, all knowing that I will resent her more and more b/c I will be let down but I keep doing it. It's all such a mess I know that. I am holding on to this dysfunctional relationship because it's all I have, it's all I know. We went to therapy soon after mom died, she came to an appt with me. It was soon after she moved in after she left her husband. I had been seeing this therapist for a good year before mom passed away b/c I knew I had to prepare. Therapist knew of my issues with her and looked at her and said, "where would you be without her right now?" she said, "I don't know". That was it.. she never went again. Yes, I've tried to set boundries with her and have said no... she doesn't push by any means I know she hates to have to come to me again and again... but then I think of her youngest son my nephew and I can't have him go without so that means I have to give in. My happiness is when I am helping others.. so it's very challenging for me. Just to note: Since I relocated from the south back to where I am from I am not so down about life in general like I was for 4 or 5 yrs., so the move was good... I know and understand I have to connect with a therapist it's just finding one that clicks, I have done so much work on myself over the years however I have a lot more to do. There are many times when I say, she's unhealthy to me, it's not worth it, show yourself some respect, blah blah blah but at the end of the day I think if I help this time maybe she will love me and show me how much she cares and be my sister again. She did do something that was so very sweet for me not long ago that was a total shock and made me cry after she left. I was at work and she was out of work, it had snowed a lot, I have a long driveway and the snow was wet n heavy, I have been having some back and neck issues lately so she knew that shoveling was not good for me.... I pulled in the driveway and noticed mine was totally cleared of snow, when I got closer to the garage she was sitting in the dark on the deck... I got out and said, "what are you doing, I can't believe you did all this"! she said, "I've been here for 2.5 hours and that stuff is so heavy, I asked her to come in (it's nice to have visitors at my new house) she said, "no, I have to go see a friend"... I hugged her and thanked her and then sent her a thank you email about how sweet that was of her to take her time to do that for me, etc. She said, "it's the least I could do".... I thought that was a huge start and I was so touched.. Like, no one has ever done something like that for me besides my mom, dad or grandparents. I felt cared for and loved but that was short lived.. Thank you all again for taking your time out of your day to listen and respond. I take everything you are giving me as a tool to become a better person. Thank you, thank you
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Co-dependency to where you lose your separate identities - you are a 'fixer' and your sister is a 'taker'. A means to an end. I quit work - 8 years taking care of my Mom with new husband - last 3 years were horrendous - mother was jealous of husband. This is why I feel I can speak honestly to you. My sister also dropped me my whole life after using me when I was young as a 'cover' for her sneaking around with some guy and he molested me and she just said 'just don't hurt her' and left the room. At 11 she dumped me at a movie theatre so she could see him and didn't come back till the wee hours of the morning for me. We all clung together for a MONTH after my father died. He was a minister and we were in the parsonage. Well, I think my father was the 'glue' that held us - we had no separate relationships with Mom or siblings (3 of us) without my Dad. I have had my Mom since she was 54 when my Dad died and she most recently went into a home with beginning Alzheimer's. My sister only calls for birthday or death and for money her whole life. My other sister just calls for money. They have both drained her their whole lives. A means to an end - it sounds so very familiar. YOU have lost yourself. I realize for the past 8 years I also put 'me' on hold and am slowly - with God's help - going to find 'a life' again. Be KIND to yourself. Consider your good wonderful traits. There are so many people out there - adults and children alike - that could use a caring loving person like yourself and they, in turn, can help you regain yourself. There are so many wonderful things in life - nature, music, books...ask God for help and guidance. He can put many good people in your path. The Bible said that a neighbor can be closer than a brother - when you come down to it - we're all just 'people' - if your sister chooses her way - stop being hurt - she's struggling also with her guilt and pain. It's time for YOU to MAKE A LIFE - take a poll of what you love to do and have always loved and have forgotten about even! There are small joys - start slowly - books on tape, music you love that feeds your heart with small joys, SO MANY things I know you've not experienced or even THOUGHT OF! Give YOURSELF the care you've given others - YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!! Your compassion was NOT complete your whole life because I did NOT include you. It's time. With God's help this time next year - whether travel or just happy being home with your insides at PEACE - keep YOUR goal inside front and center. Use your boundaries and NO with your sibling and any that would try to inhibit your progress. Life IS short - make yours SWEET and ENJOYABLE. Small things - perhaps something you LOVE to eat you haven't had because of your parents not being able to have it....small things - open your mind back up and pray. You will be surprised at what God can do inside and out with your life. Work with animals - so fulfilling - they are the innocents and the return melts away any hurt and pain and replaces it with joy and accomplishment. Start with REALLY thinking and making a list of what you love. There are millions of people who also are just like US. You are not alone. Think forward - the past will halt you - the future will motivate you. Start small......you have years to fill with wonderful hope ahead. God Bless you dearly. Numbers 6:24
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such a sad story but how true of many families. And it sounds like your sister did NOT have such a good life after all. Please seek out some counseling and like someone said, think of the good time you had with your parents, not the last days. God bless you for the love you had/shared with many.
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You definitely need therapy. You are so consumed with others lives ,you are losing yours. You can say no and get on with your life . Do not be a door mat anymore . Your sister knows how you are and. Is using you.cut the tie and get some help. Prayers for you
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Both of you need professional help and the sooner the better.
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Seeing a counselor helps you organize and rectify so many types of feelings, you deserve it. It will help you claim a full life for yourself! Sorry for your loss.
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I agree with cmagnum, therapy is your best option in your situation. In the meantime try this strategty, before you go to bed at night, think about the good times that you had with your Mom and find a new reason to get up and do something that you enjoy. Your Mom spent a good deal of her life loving, caring, and teaching you how to prepare for tramatic and difficult times in your life, make your Mama proud. Start some new projects. Do you like to paint, or have a craft you are good at? Maybe add something new to your home so you feel more content, like a cat or a dog. Pets are always happy to see you when you come through the front door. Or maybe some beautiful african violets that come in a variety of colors. Something you can nurture and take care of. Turn your house into the place that you want to come back to, for comfort and peice of mind.
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There are many dysfunctional issues in this sad story. Please see a therapist and get yourself some help in order to get your life back together. Good luck.
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