My sibling is avoiding my calls because he doesn't want to share expenses for our father's care. What can I do?

I have no trouble understanding the perspective of people who really can't help financially, or who are straightforward about it and say they're d**ned if they will, for their own good reasons. I don't feel they owe an explanation, even. Saying no is fair enough.

What I can't understand is the reaction of those who fly into a rage or take sulky umbrage the moment they're *asked.* They remind me of people who complain about being approached by charities and asked for donations, and feel terribly hard done by because they've been "made" to feel guilty. Well oh dearie me, boo-hoo! If you don't want to put your hand in your pocket to help refugee children or old donkeys or victims of torture, no one will force you; but being put to the trouble of saying no - or saying nothing, come to that - is scarcely a hardship.

A side of a person's personality that is repugnant, Donthaveit - quite so.

If your Dad was a vet, there is a reimbursement available for vets. Aid and Assistance info is on Vet.org. It can help you with the payments. Hang in there.

My brother refused too and his response was not pleasant. The only outcome of asking is that our relationship is broken. I don't want to fix it because I found a side of him that is repugnant. I have no solution for you Amy. I hope the suggestions made by the group members will bear some fruit. Good luck.

You need to talk to Senior Services to determine if he is eligible for any assistance.
If your Dad was a Vet you need to contact the VA to determine if he is eligible for any benefits.
You need to look into applying for Medicaid and that may possibly necessitate another move when they locate a facility that accepts Medicaid. Or ask the administration where his is now if they accept Medicaid. Some will allow a resident to remain if they have private paid for a few years before Medicaid kicks in.
Depending on what the additional expenses are you may have to tell your Dad that he needs to cut back on some things. For example if one of the expenses is a Bus ride with the other residents to a Play this might be something that he could do 1 time a month but the weekly outings are a bit too expensive. Sort of like putting him on a "budget" . The less expensive trips would be alright but your Dad does need to know what the financial stress is doing to you. That is if he does not already know. And if he understands.

IF THE NURSING HOME DID NOT SIGN him up for medicaid i guess you should do it .go talk to the place you have to go get welfare & food stamps & ask them what to do ..i dont know what it is called but go there try to go early in the morning be faster then in the afternoon ..

He has made it clear that he won't help, so accept it. I have a sibling who won't contribute a penny and does less than the minimum in terms of visits but ironically is an activist in the family values and pro life movements!

Listen to Jeannegibbs. We are so far down that road. Once you're into the anger and resentment, it's hard to let go of it. I hate for Dad that my siblings and I aren't speaking now. But I have to say that for now, not speaking with any of them is how I stay out of the anger and resentment. It's all so very sad.

Lots of great input and things for further reflection. I appreciate each of your perspectives and I have made note of them. I thought as much regarding my brother to just let it go. I have only asked him twice for financial help in 9 months. Again, taking away some great recommendations on things I need to plan for, look into for financial assistance and emotional support. Thank you!

You and your brother have equal rights to decide what you will do for your father. You each exercised those rights. You made one decision; he made a different decision. I doubt that there is anything you can do to change that fact.

If you are in a position to think it is ONLY $1,000 per month, you should be grateful for your financial security. I don't know how you can judge anyone else's financial situation without being privy to the details.

You apparently had the kind of relationship with your father that makes you want to help him now. I don't think you can automatically assume that your brother did the same.

If you want a relationship with your brother, accept that he is not going to help. And if you want to write him off because he made a different decision, accept that he is not going to help. Then decide if you want to be swallowed by anger and resentment. Make that decision based on what is best for you, not on anyone else's needs.

Dear Amy,

I know you are trying to do all you can for your dad. It is hard to get siblings to help out with time or money. I struggled with this too. How? How do you get a sibling to care about what you have done for your dad? But also get them to contribute. I was so angry. Two of my three siblings did as much as they could, but in my mind, it just was never enough compared to my contributions.

I know its extremely hard to say "let it go." He clearly does not want to help if is ignoring your calls. It hurts. For myself, the moment my dad passed away the anger went out of me. I realized I couldn't get blood out of a stone. As much as I wanted things to be different, they weren't. No matter how angry or sad I was, they weren't going to change their point of view.

For myself, I sort of wished I talked to a counsellor or joined a support group for caregivers sooner. I needed to learn to manage my expectations. My siblings weren't going to change and neither was I. I just wish I didn't let the anger and resentment consume me in the end. I feel it affected my ability to care for my dad and myself.

What is your plan when your dad's care needs increase?

You can't know what your brother's financial situation is unless you do his taxes, and even then....

Does he have children? A wife? This all becomes very complicated. We often talk here about how you CAN'T make siblings care, do caregiving or contribute. There are laws in place to force PARENTS to care for their children, because that is a legal responsibility that you take on when you have a child. But there is no legal obligation for a child to provide care for their parent; there are "filial responsibility" states, however, and you might want to see if you all live in one. Then, if brother is truly financially able, you might be able to get a judgement against him to provide monies for care.

However, that would destroy the relationship further.

Amy,
I'm sure others will chime in here but I'd suggest you look into Medicaid if what you are saying "He only has SS". If his SS is too much to qualify, then seek the advice of an Elder Attorney for a "Miller Trust." This allows for him to qualify for Medicaid and when he passes, the trust goes to the State. This would take the burden off your relationship with your brother and you two can get back to what really matters - your family and relationship with your father before he passes. Hugs

Amy, you really can't do anything to change your brother's response. You got your answer. He is not going to help with your father financially. Living in nice house and driving expensive car? My cousin would not take his mother, my aunt, to live with him in his new, fancy, 5 bedroom house. He drove a fully loaded, very expensive SUV. He ended up in foreclosure because his expensive house was mortgaged to the hilt, he had no money to pay for the balloon payment at 5 years, and his expensive SUV was leased and repossessed for non-payment. So outward appearances can be deceiving. Telling your father he sent gift cards? Well, if they never arrived, hopefully he kept the receipts and got them reissued ( yes, I'm being sarcastic). I have a brother that I love, but he and his wife are VERY fond of telling everyone all that they do for family...they don't. My brother's father-in-law lives with him and his wife, yes. But he has 3 pensions and pays for part of the mortgage, my sister-in-law's car, $500 monthly to both his adult grandchildren...you can't change other people. If you asked about money more than once, your brother decided you were "nagging". Let it go. Texas is pretty awful about financial support in AL. No Medicaid expansion hurt lots of folks. You might consider a smaller board-and-care if you're taking up most of the slack or get Dad on a Community Waiver for Medicaid. I could not have afforded to pay for my mother's stuff either. And maybe brother is worried about further spending sprees with scammers being the reason there is no money based on your Dad's history and your posts.

Unfortunately my father only has social security. Our monthly to cover his expenses isn't that great. Only $1,000. I don't think $500 a month from my brother too much to ask to help out. I wish my dad planned better but he didn't. I have spent months working on ways to get assistance and I believe I have gotten all I can from state and government assistance. I really want to find away to get my brother to help out and get our relationship back. Even if he would help find other means of assistance for my dad if he truly can't help financially. I have done all the work.

Amy, your father's living expenses should be paid for by your father. Have you looked into what assistance he is eligible for?

If my brothers asked me to pitch in to cover mom's $12,000 per month private pay NH, I'd have to say no. I live in a nice coop and have a relatively new car, but I have a mortgage and am approaching retirement that I need to save for.

We're you brought up with the expectation that you would pay for your parents' old age care? I certainly wasn't