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My sister lives close to Mom who has dementia. Sister has POA, and health care directive. She has spent years gaslighting me with her lies, and destroying my character. And flat out claimed way before Mom ever had a will that she would be in control of everything for Mom one day, not me. When Mom finally did get around to doing paperwork, she put me and my sister in charge of her funds. But has since taken me off, obviously on my sister's advice, and because I won't move near her. what quit my job sell my house, and have no income to support myself so I can live near her and beg them for help? Mom does not believe the sister has spent years threatening me to have me arrested if I ever try to nosy in what she is doing as POA. Even though Mom says she is not hiding anything and I can have the information and view her bank records. My sister claims I will never see a copy of mom's will EVER, or be allowed to go to probate, or EVER make any decision on anything. I am divorced now and have no other support than myself. I work and live over an hour away in good traffic. I will never move next to the narcissistic abusive sister. She is also the worst choice of handling mom's money as she can never pay her own bills on time. Has horrible credit and is an overspender. She claims she is keeping receipts for everything she does for mom, which is all overbloated, and she will be billing at 175.00 per hour. Mom would NEVER agree to that price and thinks she should not have to pay her anything. So obviously there is a disagreement between Mom and the sister. Mom babysat for her for nine years for free. All of a sudden Mom is getting more dimented, and now the sister is doing all sorts of cosmetic upgrades to Mom's house, some are needed repairs, but mostly not. She has taken money from Mom's accounts and transferred some to other places. She took money out of Mom's account to pay for her daughter's legal trouble. And supposedly paid it back after Mom and I got copies of the withdrawals. (now my sister and brother both don't want to talk to me, why, because I know what they are up to?) My sister has my brother in her back pocket. They are ganging up on me, they both are refusing to answer any questions, they never include me in anything period. This was my sister's narcissistic way of gaining control of Mom over the years. Treat me like I am not welcome, knowing Mom would call and bug the Heck out of me about coming to some family event, even though my sister would call and say things like " oh, are you coming, do you plan on eating? Oh, I have to go get more food". Then when you say H.. No not coming and putting up with this abuse, the sister then claims you have no interest in being a part of the family, and have no right to even have a conversation with her now that she is in full blown control. The sister is divorced three times, has about a 200 credit score and struggles to keep up with her own bills which are way to high for her living situation. Mom cannot afford to pay the sister's monthly expenses at over 5k. question is how much would be typical for the sister to be paid for helping out mom. She goes to grocery once a week, takes her to doctors, pays her bills, and handles all money (which she does because as stated above she has abused everyone to make sure she was in control), and checks on her daily. Which she has always done anyway since they live on the same street pretty much. Even if Mom agreed to pay her some money every month it would never be the 5k my sister needs to pay her overhead. Mom would be broke very quick. Mom can pay her probably 500 a month from her social security and other small income she has coming in. So as not to have to go into savings. However, my sister thinks she will be gettng it ALL and for all I know already has deed prepared with mom's signature for when the time comes. She has literally been planning this financial event for years. she has no way to retire without Mom. And frankly neither do I now that I am divorced.


There is no way I can live near this narcissistic sister who is always threatening to have me arrested and put in mental institute just like she did her own daughter. Why do I have to bear the responsibility for not living near Mom. There will obviously not be any assets left no matter what. And according to my sister I will be arrested (under false, and contrived abusive lies) rather than ever be able to have any knowledge of what she is doing with mom's assets. This has put a damper on my relationship with Mom as I finding it hard to have any respect for her as a mother for denying this abuse is taking place. Personally I believe she would rather tell me no, than tell her No. And pretend the sibling abuse is not happening. because Mom says the abusive sister has never told her anything like that is going on. Like asking the wolf if they have been in the hen house. I am just confused as to why it is my fault for years of narcissistic abuse from my sister. And why should my sister financially benefit from the abuse

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Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but I've had some experience along these lines. It sounds like sister's character has been demonstrated over a long period of time - it's not just a matter of the poster's opinion or perspective - that is to say, when someone lets the mask slip and shows you their true self, then believe them. And sister sounds like a very dangerous person. I would look at it this way: get Protective Services involved to protect mom. Then you have met your obligation to your parent since there is really nothing more you can accomplish. And there isn't from what I can see. "Making nice to sister and brother..." - why bother, waste of time, sister wants it her way and will not change, brother is spineless. Why expose yourself to her viciousness? That is where she gets her jollies, spite at your expense. Frankly I would "divorce" this so-called mess of a family. And since there will be no money coming your way, why hang around to be insulted? You can make a good life for yourself and for sure find a better class of people to spend your time with.
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I also live over an hour from my Mom in good traffic. I consider that "living near her" since I came from many states away. I see my mother at least once a week, for medical appointments and/or shopping and errands. I have a sister who lives a few blocks from my mother, but I wouldn't say she does more for Mom than I do. It's about equal, I think. We both have POA and access to my mother's accounts, but neither of us gets paid or takes anything, except for reimbursements, and we let each other know about that so we both know where all the money goes.

I don't quite understand what you mean when you ask why you're being forced to bear responsibility for not living close to your mother? The issue seems to be not how far away you live but the fact that you don't get along with your sister. I think everything would be the same if you lived next door. She has taken control of your mother's finances and has forced you out. The fact that you live an hour away may be the pretext, but it doesn't sound like your sister actually wants you to be any closer.

Of course, we're only hearing one side of the story. It does sound like your sister is looting your mother's assets, and if you think that's the case, you ought to report her to adult protective services, as others have said. That's not likely to improve the situation between you and her, though, or improve your relationship with your mother. If you force the issue and get your sister's POA revoked, you may also end up with a great deal more of the caregiving burden than you might wish to assume. You need to consider all the angles and decide what course of action is best for you.
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If you are just an hour away, then you are choosing to stay away. Next time you have a conversation with your sister, record all conversations and tell her you are. If you have a physical face to face conversation, make sure a third party is present then confirm in writing your conversation. Keep a trail of all interactions. If you care about your mother's welfare, I would bring her to your home for the weekends, and interact with her one on one. If your sister threatens you again with arrest, whatever, call the police and get a restraining order. You are at a point that you need to take action against her threats and send her a firm message not to mess with Mum's finances, by telling her any expenditure from Mum's account will have to be consensual with you.
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It's all about perspective, isn't it? Sons. daughters, and others their age or other caregivers see from theirs, parents and other elders from theirs....
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Really! You live over an hour away in good traffic?!
I know people who drive that and more daily just for work.
You chose a different life. No shame in that.
No doubt your sisters children were lucky to have their GM so close by.
The saying that you can't go home again has a lot of truth to it. You have a different perspective on what goes on in your moms home than your sister.
I'm DPOA for my aunt both financial and medical. I worry everytime I have a repair done that someone will have something critical to say about how I'm spending her money. Yet her lawyer tells me I have a responsibility to keep things in good repair. I know the money I spend might be needed for her care so I try to be frugal. But what I would suggest you do, especially now that you are divorced, is go spend at least one weekend a month with your mom. Spend quality time with her. Take her shopping or sightseeing or out to dinner. If you like to cook, invite sister and brother over for a home cooked meal at moms house. Clean her house. Help her write out Christmas cards or other holiday tasks.
Pick your mom up and bring her to your home for a weekend. When you get more involved you might better understand what is really going on. Have a bedroom in the house for a few of your things so you can come and go easily on a Friday and maybe drive back to work on a Monday morning.
Feeling the way you do about your sister I'm not sure where you would get such personal details about her life. But I would encourage you to have open conversations, not arguments with your sister. If your mom is still competent she can change her POAs but know that if you are going to let an hour drive stop you from visiting your mom you would probably find it very inconvenient to take on more of the responsibilities that care taking requires.
If you do this and still feel sister is taking advantage then think about what the best solution for mom would be before throwing sister under the bus.
And more importantly if your mom is slipping you'll want to spend quality time with her now while she can enjoy it.
Use this forum to vent and keep mom out of the middle of it. Keep a journal of your factual concerns that you can document details with. Then if you decide you need to take action you will be taken seriously and more importantly mom will be protected. One last thing, use the search on this site. You will find a lot written about siblings and perhaps better understand your sisters point of view.
I'm not advocating that your sister be allowed to waste your moms savings. I'm just saying earn the right to be critical of her performance and know that you are contributing to it by not being more involved with your mom.
It's tough being a care taker even when you live next door.
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Thank you all for your responses. My sister has been on this journey to control for the 17 years since I moved back home. Contacted APS, my sister keeps one step ahead by hiring her own lawyer, and having mom gift her the stuff she has already stolen. I totally agree mom should of put this whole issue to rest when we were children. Mom has no backbone and lives by whatever she is afraid of, and will allow my sister to be this abuser as long as she does not put mom in a home. My sister's daughter has been in jail and rehab for family violence stemming from an incident where she tried to harm her mother and my sister had her arrested. Is this any surprise? Anyway my sister has no need to ever speak to me again as now she has totally taken all of mom's money and transferred somewhere else. I found this out by taking mom to her bank. Mom has no clue where her money is either and at this point forget she had it. I am being told everything about mom's life is none of my business. I am not being included in the family, my brother has no backbone just like mom. He does not agree with my sister but will not stand up to her and does not care that I am being scapegoated. All mom can say is that my sister has never said anything bad about me to her and she does not understand what I am talking about, even in the past when I have shown her evidence before she lost her mind. She would agree but not to the point where she would actually make things right. She will not stand up to the abusive sister so long as she is going to take care of her in her old age. And in mom's mind it's pretty much my fault for not just ignoring this abusive control freak sister. I was not told about mom getting a cna to come to her house. And when I met up with the cna one day, my sister told the cna not to talk to me because she has mom's heath care poa, and will not allow me any knowledge. So the cna just complied. There is no reason for this other than my sister is an abuser. Will likely not recover from this abuse for a long long time.
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Dear Lessa,

I feel for you. I'm so sorry to hear about everything you have went through with your siblings. It sure isn't easy.

I would have to agree with Rovana and consider going to Adult Protective Services about your siblings. Maybe a social worker or family therapist is what is needed in these highly difficult situations.
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You should not feel bad that you are not living closer to your Mom. It sounds like you are no longer a part of this family, they are not including you in the decisions and they are treating you like an outsider. You know if you lived closer, and lost your job they would not help, so you have no choice but to stay put and to continue working. It is wrong for your sister to talk to you in such a demeaning way, you are kind hearted and she sounds the opposite. You have done your best and that is all you could have done.
Rovana has some very good advice for you. For your Mom's sake, Adult Protective Services should be contacted so they can look into it to make sure your Mom is taken care of. After you have done that, you can be at peace because you have done all you can.
I think at this point your Mom cannot be held responsible because she has dementia and does not know what's what anymore. Perhaps she made mistakes when raising your sister, but that's in the past, and all parents make mistakes, pity though that you have to pay for that now when it was not your fault,
I pray that you can see you have done your best and have made the right decision to stay where you are and out of a relationship with a sister who has not learned to be kind and caring. Rest assured she is not happy, and that in the end she pays with an unhappy situation.
Praying for you.
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By all means go to Adult Protective Services - this is financial abuse on the part of your sister. If you are still POA (Did I understand that you and your sister were jointly) then I'd formally resign and have no part to play in your mother's financial affairs because you don't want to get the blame for what is going on. Slimy narcissists like your sister always try to shift the blame. Now as to the personal side of this: sometimes the people you are related to by blood are no kind of "family" at all. The only thing you can do in this case is, bluntly, write them off and create your own "family" of friends. Sounds like your sister is toxic and having any interaction with her is bad for you and a waste of time. And your mother's lack of backbone is standing up to this bullying does not say much for her as a mother. She had a responsibility to stop this abuse when you both were kids. But she was a coward. Well, guess the consequences will catch up with her. But no reason at all why you should get any closer to this mess - your sister is going to run the show anyhow so why bother to involve yourself? You need to take care of your own welfare Report the financial abuse to Adult Protective Services - it is their job to deal with this kind of thing and you will have done what you could to help your mother. Don't ever expect reasonable decent behavior from a narcissist - they have not a clue what decent is. And remember, you are not responsible for all their craziness.
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Hi Lessa,

I think it depend on what state you live in if you can get paid to take care of your mom. I know here in NY, you cannot. $175 an hour is ridiculous, even if your sister can get paid for taking care of your mom.

If your sister is POA, this is financial abuse. Call Adult Protective Services and they will direct you to the DA. Your sister is not able to use your mother's funds for anyone's benefit other than your mother. If she is abusing that, she can be charged with felony grand theft.
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