My boyfriend's mom has dementia. I feel like I'm going insane. Any advice?

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My boyfriend's mom has a cognitive disorder and she has issues with her memory, motor skills, and her thinking and problem-solving skills. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is 42, I am 27 and she is 70. At first, her condition wasn't too bad, but the last year has been hell! A few weeks ago we had to go to the emergency room in her city at 3 am, because the police called telling my boyfriend that she was wandering around downtown naked. She calls him 20 times a day, and sometimes he leaves in the last minute to drive an hour to check on his mom if she doesn't call him in 2 hours. Him and I live together in a small condo so when she calls I hear their whole conversation. I feel like I'm almost going insane...and my boyfriend and I have been pretty depressed the last few months. We fight a lot, and we aren't as intimate as we used to be. I'm losing my attraction to him and I don't feel as close. When he is not talking to her on the phone, he talks about her a lot because she is his number one priority. It is such a turnoff and I feel a lot of guilt because I feel selfish for feeling this way. He seems reluctant to get help from a caregiver, even though she lives alone in a building. I think he doesn't want someone coming in there because it is so messy and he needs to repair the roof and fix things. I keep telling him to call and get help, but he ends up getting mad at me. Her stairs at her place are very steep and she fell down them a few times, and I keep telling him she cannot live that way.

I don't know what to do...I want my boyfriend and I to feel close and work on our relationship but I don't know how. Am I selfish? He says I am all the time and he puts me down. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress so maybe he lashes out at me because of that. Today I was supposed to go help him work on the building and I was ready to, but then his mom called and mentioned she wanted him to fix her computer (the 500th time) so in my head I knew we were going to go there and not get any work done while I sit there and listen them going back and forth all over again. So I told him I just want to relax, and he said "fine don't come, instead look at yourself in the mirror and see how little compassion you have and how selfish you are.

I can't stop crying all day, I don't want to leave the condo and I'm nervous about when he comes back. I don't want to fight anymore, I'm emotionally exhausted. I go to university and I'm almost done my degree and this depression is affecting my marks. I do like his mom but lately, I've been feeling a bit of resentment towards her and I feel terrible and awful for that. I know they are very close (he was never close to his father), but I feel like I'm insignificant. I do not want to leave him but our relationship is getting worse by the day.


Any advice would be appreciated!

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I don't agree that the OP should wait to leave - her exams are happening now, and she's attempting to concentrate on them in a miserable atmosphere where, moreover, she's been asked to spend whole days sitting and smiling in the boyfriend's mother's home to no good purpose whatever and called selfish when she declines to do so.

Stay with a college friend, whatever, get those studies done. Come the end of summer you'll be able to see far more clearly where to go next.
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Do the math. You are 27, and BF is 42. Let's say you marry. He will eventually be fulltime caregiving for his mother. That will affect his health greatly. Then you will have to be HIS caregiver (if his mother doesn't outlive him).

You are only 27. This shouldn't be your life. Run away from it! (I do agree to bide your time until your degree is completed. Then start your own life!)
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And Mama-drama aside, he is emotionally abusing you. He nominated you as the scapegoat; it will only get worse. Make a (quiet) plan while you finish your studies. Then split.
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Well, I think you should get out of the situation. I agree with others...you need to move out and terminate this. But, I would focus 100% on studies and getting that degree. Try to keep the home life stable and calm to whatever degree that is possible. Just keep the focus on those studies.

Then, when you are better able to support yourself...with your new degree in hand..go job shopping..and move out.

When you will think to argue with him..think..focus on degree...and let it go. Realized that your time with him is short...keep your future your primary focus
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Ditch his sorry butt, you can bet dollars to donuts that eventually (if you stick around) that your the one that will be wiping her butt and he won't lift a finger. Why? Because you are there to do it. You are not being selfish by thinking about you and your needs. Feel free to tell him that since he don't give a rat's a** about you and what you want out of the relationship, you have to go and he can take care of mom all by his lonesome.
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You sound like me about a year ago. Have you got to the point where you wake up and your first thought is what bullsh!t is she going to start today? That was my breaking point besides anxiety attacks. The thought of intimacy disgusted me, the mama boy attitude just was a turn off so I guess I understand. I bailed and my life is much easier now. Figure out what you want and act accordingly.
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Leave him. Unless you're already married to him, then there's no reason to stay. His mother's health issues will only get worse and will be more time consuming for your boyfriend which will put an even bigger wedge into your relationship. Even worse, as his mother's health declines he will most likely ask you to provide more hands-on care Are you ready to do caregiving? Ready to change her diapers, feed her, bathe her...? Unless she's already qualified for Medicaid or has a significant inheritance so your boyfriend can provide ample live-in care, most likely the mother's care will fall onto your boyfriend - and you. Do you love him so much - with no "ring" on your finger" - to assume taking care of an elderly person with the mentality of the infant from H*ll? Read through this forum and get a feel of what you could be dealing with.

Are you financially dependent on him? Get a job that works around your school schedule and move into a studio apartment or find a room to rent in a shared apartment.

You're way too young to have to deal with this.

LIke the others above, I'm also not in the greatest mood today. Sorry...I won't sugarcoat your situation. Again, read this forum and you'll see it's not all roses.
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I think an undergraduate aged 27 has every right to be selfish, actually. You need to put your studies and your exams first; your boyfriend needs to put his mother first until he's got the situation under control.

It's only a matter of bad timing. Step away, on the best terms you can manage. If there's a relationship worth saving buried under all this somewhere, you'll find it later, when the time's right.
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I'm with CW on this one. You are young and should be able to pursue your life's goals (career, family, children if you want them) without the prior entanglements of boyfriend's mom; for what it's worth, he doesn't seem to be getting her the help she needs.

Back away from the burning building. You'll be glad you did.
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"We fight a lot, and we aren't as intimate as we used to be. I'm losing my attraction to him and I don't feel as close. When he is not talking to her on the phone, he talks about her a lot because she is his number one priority. It is such a turnoff and I feel a lot of guilt because I feel selfish for feeling this way. He seems reluctant to get help from a caregiver, even though she lives alone in a building. I think he doesn't want someone coming in there because it is so messy and he needs to repair the roof and fix things. I keep telling him to call and get help, but he ends up getting mad at me. "

I'm not in a very charitable mood today so forgive me for being blunt. The man is 15 years older than you. His mother is only 70 and "his number one priority". Run away. I doubt you will ever have the future you hope for from this relationship.
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