My boyfriend's mom has a cognitive disorder and she has issues with her memory, motor skills, and her thinking and problem-solving skills. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is 42, I am 27 and she is 70. At first, her condition wasn't too bad, but the last year has been hell! A few weeks ago we had to go to the emergency room in her city at 3 am, because the police called telling my boyfriend that she was wandering around downtown naked. She calls him 20 times a day, and sometimes he leaves in the last minute to drive an hour to check on his mom if she doesn't call him in 2 hours. Him and I live together in a small condo so when she calls I hear their whole conversation. I feel like I'm almost going insane...and my boyfriend and I have been pretty depressed the last few months. We fight a lot, and we aren't as intimate as we used to be. I'm losing my attraction to him and I don't feel as close. When he is not talking to her on the phone, he talks about her a lot because she is his number one priority. It is such a turnoff and I feel a lot of guilt because I feel selfish for feeling this way. He seems reluctant to get help from a caregiver, even though she lives alone in a building. I think he doesn't want someone coming in there because it is so messy and he needs to repair the roof and fix things. I keep telling him to call and get help, but he ends up getting mad at me. Her stairs at her place are very steep and she fell down them a few times, and I keep telling him she cannot live that way.
I don't know what to do...I want my boyfriend and I to feel close and work on our relationship but I don't know how. Am I selfish? He says I am all the time and he puts me down. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress so maybe he lashes out at me because of that. Today I was supposed to go help him work on the building and I was ready to, but then his mom called and mentioned she wanted him to fix her computer (the 500th time) so in my head I knew we were going to go there and not get any work done while I sit there and listen them going back and forth all over again. So I told him I just want to relax, and he said "fine don't come, instead look at yourself in the mirror and see how little compassion you have and how selfish you are.
I can't stop crying all day, I don't want to leave the condo and I'm nervous about when he comes back. I don't want to fight anymore, I'm emotionally exhausted. I go to university and I'm almost done my degree and this depression is affecting my marks. I do like his mom but lately, I've been feeling a bit of resentment towards her and I feel terrible and awful for that. I know they are very close (he was never close to his father), but I feel like I'm insignificant. I do not want to leave him but our relationship is getting worse by the day.
Any advice would be appreciated!