My sibling is avoiding my calls because he doesn't want to share expenses for our father's care. What can I do?

Some assisted living centers accept medicaid (in Illinois anyway). Obviously, your father would have to be totally depleted of assets to qualify. 80% of the folks at Mom's AL were medicaid. Mom is down to selling her last stock that she and Dad had bought together to now pay her $7000 per mo private pay NH. I take care of her checkbook and it's SO DEPRESSING TO SEE SO MUCH MONEY GO OUT EVERY MONTH and for her to be in such a sad state (bedridden, bed sores, unsocial etc.). Hope you can get some help. You and your husband do need to think of your own future, too. It's hard, I know :(

There's not a thing you can do. My MIL is one of seven children. Has any of her siblings offered any help, or called her or come to visit her? NO! One was making noises about it, my husband told him that she's been at the same # for over a year. They live in the Phoenix area, they routinely visit the styx in central Mexico. But does he visit her? NO!!! I've unfriended a bunch of selfish lunatics (all MIL's family) because I don't want to hear any pathetic excuses. What really makes me furious is when one of these so called family members makes a dig at my husband. DO NOT go there, losers. I'm fierce about defending my own.

Amyjow: Under no circumstances should be using YOUR money to cover any of your father's expenses. When I was providing out-of-state care for my mother, I had many a professional tell me just that.

I am hoping my parents can stay in their home as long as possible. There is no money for Assisted Living. I don't think it's fair for adult children to pay for this. When many have college expenses for children and have to save for retirement. I mean my Dad didn't plan accordingly and will have to go on Medicaid when and if he has to go to a nursing home. We (the children) had to talk him into paying for in home care visits. He didn't want to spend the little money that he has. We convinced him he needs to spend this down to be eligible for some benefits, i.e. VA. He wanted to give us money and we said no...spend it on in home help. I have planned and have long term care insurance. I won't have to rely on anyone when the time comes.

Good advice cndreader, I to resent my siblings for the simple fact that I have always been there for my mom, she is in AL now anf I make sure she is ok and they find it difficult even to call her once a week for a 10 to 15 minute "how r you and I'm thinking about you and love you" alot of anger inside me. But I have come to the conclusion that i am not going to call them for "anything" anymore and when the good lord finally decides to take her home, I will not have to live with any regrets and they can live with theirs. Hang in there, your parent knows deep down who the responsible one is.💝

Tonight I decided after reading so many different methods of trying to help you I would give what I have learned along this path of Caring. First, find a excellent Elder Law Attorney - They are experts for your state in what is available and they hire Social Workers who oversee and advise the person who is seeking a path of knowledge. They will give you an appointment after they talk to you and materials that can guide you on what your State will and won't do the individual. There was a sadness and some very harsh letters of coldness toward many of our elderly parents. Many of our parents in their journey of aging had many unforeseen losses in business, health, being used by adult children in very selfish taking of their assets, and of course family members who preyed upon them for their money. No one ever plans to arrive at the end of the journey with no funds. I had the greatest of parents who loved me and my sister so very much. They had very little toward the end of their journey, but I remember growing up the seeing how they worked and cared so deeply for us and later their grandchildren. How they shared what they could on a modest basis and the blessings of love toward the grandchildren. How could I NOT help as much as possible. We both gave in the best manner we could to make things better for them. Painting the house, giving extra monies at the right time, assisting them on short trips to see a failing family member and covering the costs. Lots of good memories and laughs with grandchildren included. They are both passed , but no Regrets about what I chose to do in Love for them. I now am on a journey of caregiving for my wonderful husband of 36 years who is in late stage Parkinson's and is currently in a Memory Care and receiving wonderful care and I was blessed to have taken out long term . It still doesn't cover enough so I to like thousands of other Caregivers are struggling to make it. In answer to your Brothers attitude - I would write and ask him why he is not able to help out and you would understand if he is financially limited. If he just won't even answer at all - Release him! People with these types of communication issues are a waste of time. There are people in my family who have just disappeared for my wonderful husband since he has become so ill. My husband was there for these people financially and emotionally. I call these people selfish. I know they will NOT change so my direction is to CELEBRATE LIFE ! Their day will come and they must deal with what they chose NOT to DO. Every day I thank God for the great times and memories I shared with my sweet husband. He was there for me through some real heartbreaking times and great moments of success. I feel grateful to be there to keep a smile on his face, hold his hand and take him in his wheelchair for an outing. So go Forward - CELEBRATE LIFE And Remember All that was Good !

My brother gives nothing. Not emotional support, encouragement, a few minutes of rest by coming to visit. He's managed to behave in such a way he's not allowed over here until he makes some things right. Doesn't that make it easier to do nothing now? I have to forgive and keep walking. I care for momma because I love her. I'm thankful I have strength and health to do it. I can only imagine how frustrated you are right now. What I would give for just $50 a month to go towards a sitter though, so we could have a date night. I haven't been out with my husband in I can't remember. I've cared for my parents in one way or another for 32 years with no help from my sibling. Even when we were strapped, if they needed help we did it. Not necessarily money all the time, but maybe an oil change, help with my older brother who was bed fast and they cared for him, flower bed weeding, cleaning the house when they were still able to live alone, cooking meals when sick, driving to appointments. Now that my dad is passed and my mother actually lives with me I thought surely I would get a little bit of support just so I can go to the doctor or whatever. Nope. Even when I ask. Nope. I stopped asking a long, long time ago. Selfishness is ugly, it's really hard for a person to acknowledge that they're selfish. They can say all they want that they can't cope with things or they don't know how to handle things or whatever. It's a cop-out. All you can do is forgive him and go on or it will eat you up inside. You love your dad are you wouldn't be sacrificing so greatly for him. No one should ever judge you for what you give. I'm sure you have researched every resource possible. If I was in your position and  couldn't care for him in my home but I could manage to pay what you're paying so that my father could live comfortably I would do it too, for as long as I could. 

If your brother lives in a nice house, he probably has enough on his plate with regular bills. He probably can't take any more on his plate, which is why he's avoiding your calls, and I don't blame him. If someone was trying to hit me up for money when I already had enough on my plate, I would do the same thing if I didn't have the guts to speak up and say no. If you don't pay your taxes or mortgage, you lose your house. If you don't pay your utilities, they get cut off. Your brother may very well be financially strapped in this area, and even more so if he already pays for a car loan in an effort to try to keep transportation on the road. He's probably already financially maxed out and he's probably thinking of his own needs to provide for himself and his family.

As for the gift card to your dad, deliver it yourself if you want to make sure he gets your gifts.

Finally, why are you all paying for your dad's care when his insurance should be paying this expense if he's on Social Security? This is not your responsibility, it's between your dad and his insurance to cover this expense for him

I am in a similar situation with my parents and my brother. Let me start by saying that as much as my parents prepared for their elder years, life simply got in the way--unexpected medical issues for both of my parents impacted their finances. So, my husband and I help with as many areas as possible. I was never raised to believe that one of my duties as a child was to take care of my parents. I do so simply because I love them. I know that my time with them is limited by the days, and I want to do all I can to make their final years the best possible. Fortunately, my husband and I are blessed in that we are able to provide assistance. My relationship with my brother began deteriorating four years ago when my dad spent nearly six months in the hospital for heart issues. I took on full responsibility of my mother, who also has health issues. My brother rarely visited the hospital, never offered to help pay with hotel, gas, parking, etc. as we traveled back and forth to the hospital. Nothing. And nothing has improved since. And I know now, that nothing will change. My brother and I barely speak. He knows little to nothing about my life, and the same for me. When something is needed, I ask, I get "I'll send you a check," and more nothing. My parents know what's up, and my heart breaks for them. What has saved my sanity is a wonderfully supportive husband and a couple of friends who are also going through identical situations. I used to get really angry, and I have cried a million tears, but when it comes to the end, I know I took care of my parents, I know they know I loved them, and I will have no regrets. As for my brother, he will be the one who has to address his conscience when my parents are gone.

Thank you all for all your input. Much good advice which I hope to make note of quickly. To clarify, yes, I'm frustrated my brother won't even help in any capacity. I haven't discussed money with him on months. I have reached out many times, letting him know I am there for "him" if he needs to talk about whatever is going on in his life. Ball is in his court. I'm sure guilt is what is keeping him from calling, but not from any pressure from me. His own guilt.

Spent a lot of months working through different avenues for state financial support. Dad was evicted from his home for not paying property taxes and home owners insurance. He was in a reverse mortag, so lost everything. No assets or insurance.

My husband and I are concerned about our own retirement if we are taking from our savings to help my dad. Will seek out an elder attorney in Texas. We are in California, so best to look in Texas I reckon.

Thanks again for some great advice on many levels! Amy

Situations like this bring out the worst in family, at least from what I've seen. No one has stepped up to help my husband with his mother. True, she's turned into a mean old woman, but she loves him dearly.

Amyjow: I am very concerned that you're spending your money
when you shouldn't be. You will  be needing that for your own retirement, but then you already knew that. 

I agree with talkey. I asked my sister for 3-4 years to help with my parents (they love with me). She only lives an hour away, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to help. We've only talked once in the past year- so sad, but at least I'm not angry all the time with her, expecting her to do something. My parents still go down (an hour away) to visit her, which is good. Just try to look for other resources-sounds like you have. No chance of going 100% on Medicaid??

seems rotten we dont make enough money to take care of our selves in the long run ..boy it is going to get worse we now make better money ..that is if you are working full time get fairly good pay well whats gonna happen with part timer& dont make enough like full timers or they have to get a lot of jobs ..when they get old there not thinking like we are .you need a lot when you get old i kinda hate those greedy people that like part time & obama did to ..well the only hope is that trump gets the economy going real good ..if not might have to figure out how to work in there sleep

$2.336 trillion combined healthcare and social security (not including education) estimated spending for 2017.

I really do envy the quality and availability of your public information. Took me three minutes to ask the question and get an intelligible answer. Impressive. Try that in Whitehall, you'd wait four weeks for an email back and spend another six trying to translate the jargon. Though that might just be because they don't actually know the answer.