Can my sister, who's my mother's poa, and her kids live with my mother and have her provide for them?


Should I just see it as just compensation for my sister's efforts? After my father's death we have all become estranged, my mother might have even disinherited me. I have tried to communicate with my sister but she's even more self-righteous than me! My father asked me to help him with his healthcare and we had a loving, caring relationship. If I out-live my parents, whose estate is worth 100's of thousands at this time, and my mother's care leaves anything left, and my sister doesn't spend it all, he wouldn't want me left with nothing while my sister lives off what he worked so hard to provide my mother and us.

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Crystal, do you know why your father isn't receiving his pension? If not, contact the Veteran's Administration (VA) or contact your local political representative to help. My husband is a retired Marine and receives a pension. Not huge but every little bit helps. Re the sister being a caregiver, I tried for almost a year. Thank God that my husband is now in the nursing home. I would not encourage anyone to undertake such a tremendous and emotional job. Good luck for this fragmented family. I'm so sorry! I hope they can call a truce!! Hugs, Corinne
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@Jeanne - You quoted this -crystal1224, if you do not wish to get paid for anything you do, that is certainly perfectly OK by me. But that doesn't set the standard for how things should be. A caregiver (relative or not) can be paid for the care.

I am sorry I do not know what you are referring to in your comment back to me. Can you bring me up to pace with that one? I thank you so much. I don't get paid and where does it say I should get paid. The Aid and Attendance is for military persons who get a military pension from what I was told. My father did not get that and I will not get into why on here he did not get it. He did get an honorable discharge due to his illness when he served in the war but no pension. I was confused by your comment. Please reiterate. Thank you.
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@WillowRose - you had me laughing about whirling the peas. I probably will never eat peas without thinking of that. My Dad still won't speak and I guess I just wrecked the Thanksgiving holiday. He has had some 125 chemo treatments and had I not called to inquire why he was still doing so poorly they probably would still be giving it to him. It has been unreal. He has a pacemaker as well other along with other health matters. I am no nurse. I told him I am his daughter and I have been sick this past month trying to recuperate from back surgery. He said I am sick too. I do feel kind of bad and all, but I know if I keep this up I will end up in the hospital myself. My body has been talking to me with the chest pains and all. Daughters always seem to take the brunt of it all at least it so seems that way to me. Dad knows who has been tending to him and he thanks me on occasion. It is when my brother gets with him they both say mean things and it is as if I am stupid and I can not hear them. I have had to walk out of the room on occasion.. I digress here. None of my brothers can be open minded and honest with Dad because for all our life we have had to walk on eggshells. Well I am tired of walking on eggshells and they are smithereens to nothing now those eggshells LOL. No seriously it is a hard call and from what I am hearing and reading it is hard to get them to go anywhere unless they are not competent. Even then it is still up to me to do the dirty work. I told the nurse today let my brother (the oldest) take over the health care surrogate now. He should be as my father had the youngest one on there but he changed it when Hospice came here. I wondered about that. My Dad loves it here and loves my son but he does not know how it is affecting us anymore. He has had a few falls and then we go through the medication bit where he got angry with me over that. I told him you take too many of those pills and the doctors gave him too many pills for the condition he is in. Lord I could write a book about all of this and maybe someday I shall. Doctors and pharmacists need to be more on their toes when they are quick to hand out narcotic drugs to a heart patient let alone everything else that he has going on. So I monitor the meds now. If he goes to respite they can monitor it better because I do not know where he hides some of them. I am constantly on guard to listen for him should he fall again in the middle of the night. I started counting them now to see what all he is taking. The nurse did the same today. My Dad has lost so much weight it has been so hard to see him this way and I hope it does not leave that picture of him now, in my mind forever. He was a healthy man until a few years ago when things started happening. My mom and him are divorced but best of friends but even she is getting on me about things. I told her if you were still married to Daddy you would never be able to handle it. My family knows what I am going through but for some reason they still think I am capable of exhausting myself to no return. Well you are right the time has come and it may be the best thing for Dad too because I am stressed now and not good for him.

It is as if my feelings do not matter and all respect has flown out the window towards me. They say oh ignore that it is the sickness. Yeah we know that one but you try to ignore it all the time and then especially coming from one you love and has loved and been there for you all your life. I feel that I am being taking advantage of now. I know that sounds harsh but in all reality it is how I FEEL!! I can not do it on Thanksgiving to take him there Lord knows there will be all out war in this house and I do not like drama anymore! Yes my son would go see him and the rest would probably go see him there too..hmmmm. I am not sure they all are busy. I hear this all the time. Oh well I hate to keep going over spilt milk here but it is good to talk about it. I however need to ask of this. Is there privacy in here? I see facebook, google and tweet buttons up there. Why would anyone want to disclose this personal information on twitter or facebook or google? I thought I would ask that one and yes I know it is not on topic but I am still a Newbie here:):)

Blessings to you willowrose

There once was a willow rose
Here she is and there she goes
Oh Willow Rose how fair and fine
I extend to you the gift of time..

I just made that one up just now.

Sweet dreams to you and all the caretakers and know you are not alone. we are in this together. One big care-taking team I call it! God Bless You! All of you.
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crystal1224, if you do not wish to get paid for anything you do, that is certainly perfectly OK by me. But that doesn't set the standard for how things should be. A caregiver (relative or not) can be paid for the care. Also, a parent can decide to take in an adult child and grandchildren. Whether a child is being compensated for caregiving or not has nothing to do with the degree of love involved.

If there is duress or trickery involved, that is another matter. But we have no evidence of that in these posts.

Peace to us all.
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whirl your peas, girl, whirl them
whirled peas (like) world peace- saw it on a bumper sticker somewhere and it stuck. . .
Ya, well, you won't get any negative response from me about what you've written because, when you gotta go you gotta go. My Dad should have been in assisted living with a team approach. When your Dad's there you can be part of a team, and hopefully, you'll both have a better quality of life. You can hopefully have nice visits together, etc. And he'll probably form new relationships there. He's a little scared but he'll be ok.
The day my Dad died the nurse on duty said, "what the hell happened here!" "We were absolutely shocked at the condition he came here in," she added. Also she stated, "this guy should have been on a morphine pump months ago." Ya, melanoma took him, and took him bad. My family couldn't be reasoned with, by me or the hospice staff (home visits). You don't want to have the stress wreaking havoc with your relationships, you gotta share the care.
Talk "feelings" after you get him to the respite where there are professionals around to help out if he acts up. He got in your face. I don't like that. If you put that out in the forum I bet other people would agree that that's a deal breaker. Avoid confrontation till your in a safe environment with professionals around who can handle whatever happens, as a team. In the safe respite environment you can all work out your feelings that you're all having through due to those stages of loss You'll probably have access to a social worker and minister there, as well.
When is your brother going to transport him? Maybe you can start with Thanksgiving dinner there and that could be his first positive experience there? Would your son go to visit him there? Then you could all whirl your peas at respite.
I read another of your entries. It truly is time. It was time yesterday.

Do you want to be present when he ultimately passes? You've got to build up your physical strength first. I can see that your mind and spirit are what you're running on right now.
The YMCA has financial assistance and it has helped me a lot. When the brain and spirit run a muck-just get physical, they say. All kinds of good brain chemicals appear. Find ways there to work the stronger parts and go easier on the vulnerable parts.
My Dad volunteered there and went together. I almost wrote we go together. Makes me smile a little. I still feel his spirt with me there. I sure miss him even though it's been 6 years.
I never thought I could bear it. I don't know where the ability to actually sing came from. Oh wait, ya, I do know Who it came from. Notice the upper case: and that is from Whom your strength will come.
I really liked Jeanne Gibbs pragmatic answer to my problems. I think she's right. Things may not go the way he'd hoped for me. He worked so hard all his life, as his parents before him, his mother divided her estate equally. She didn't needed the care giving services that my mother need.
If there was any safe way I could reconcile with my family I would. In this world, but this bible verse comforts me "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face."(Cor 13:12) We all can't see the forest for the trees on this planet sometimes.
We'll chat again another day.
Thanks again for your support.
STAY SAFE. Over and out.
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willowrose, you've been given some excellent opinions and advice, so I have little to add. I only wanted to say that hundreds of thousands of dollars is not all that much when it comes to end of life care. My mother has money, but I realize a NH would take it all within a couple of years. It is sad that what looks like a lot of money to normal people looks like a small amount when we consider NH care.

I hope you can patch things up with your mother and sister. I too think that is the best way. I did catch the last line where your sister was living off of what your father earned. I am surprised to read someone who was once a cg say something like this. If your mother is receiving care, your sister is entitled to compensation if they can afford it and she wants it.
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@Jeannie I do not get paid for anything to do what I do and I pay my own mortgage, all the bills etc. My dad has given me in the last two years a few hundred dollars and then paid a 20 or 20 here and there but nothing as far as rent or helping out with the bills here. You are right what you said to Willow that if the parent takes a sibling out of the Will they can do that and if a sibling wants to contest the Will (in case it was changed as they so often are done at the advice of the other sibling) then that sibling can take it to court. Sometimes and I am not saying this is Willow's case people will have a loved one change the Will when they are either under the influence of a medication or coercion. It happens all the time, as sad as that is it does happen. I would try to mend the family estrangement too not so much for the monetary aspect but for the true love if it is still there. My heart goes out to Willow in her situation. It is a sad fact that this goes on in families in this day and age but it certainly does. I would like to ask of Willow if she does not mind what made the estrangement after your father passed? Was it all and always about the money? Only if you want to share. I do not expect you to tell all here but was just wondering what happened. I know of some folks this same thing has happened to and it happens over and over again. I am glad I have one beautiful son. Whatever I have when I leave this earthly home is all of his. Blessings to you ladies this evening.
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@Willowrose when I swirl my peas around this Thanksgiving I will be thinking of you too! I have been through a lot of things in my life, this being the hardest and if I can get through it I pray you can too. I am always here for you! How can we find out about each other on here. Is there a profile listing somewhere? I sent in a request to have a delete comment or edit comment as well. Being a writer I like to fix what does not come out good after I have read it:) Blessings to you my Willowrose... I have a poem about the Willow Tree I will have to find it and send it to you. Smiles:)
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Another awsome response to help me gain more inner peace under the circumstances. When I look at my Thanksgiving dinner plate Thursday I'll be visualizing whirled peas, giving thanks for folks like you. Thanks for taking the time to care. Seeking counsel of many then coming to a reasonable conclusion. I've got to get to my point of acceptance of reality.
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Is your mother impaired? Does she have COPD, dementia, cancer, severe arthritis, diabetes, etc. etc.? Does she need help?

If your mother needs care and your sister is providing it, your sister is entitled to compensation (whether she has POA or not.) Ideally there would be a personal care agreement drawn up that spells out what services she provides and what she gets in return.

Is what Sister is getting a fair compensation for what she is providing? I have no idea. You didn't provide any information about that. Of course, many parents take in an adult child and/or grandchildren in special situations, such as after a divorce, without expecting any thing in return. Probably the most important question here is whether your mother is acting of her own free will or whether she is being tricked. Do you have any reason to suppose that Sister is abusing the situation? Any evidence?

Family estrangements are sad. It sounds like something happened while you were taking care of Father, or immediately after. We have no idea if/why your mother might disinherit you, but it is probably something she has a right to do (which wouldn't make it right, but it could be legal.) If Father left his entire estate to Mother, then Mother can do with it as she pleases. If Mother is estranged from you and wants to support Sister she can do that.

The best solution here (and not only for financial reasons) would be to heal the family estrangement.

Can your sister and her kids live with your mother? Yup, if mother is in her right mind and it is what your mother wants.
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