My sibling and I have always had a rocky relationship. However, when it came to caring for our aging parents, we seemed to work very well together, and I felt supported as the primary caregiver.
When my sibling got married, their spouse interjected themselves in our care conversations. They were aggressive and judgmental and created more stress in an already stressful situation. I felt belittled and bullied by the conversation and no longer felt supported by my sibling.
When I shared my feelings with my sibling and suggested, that going forward, we should not include our spouses in our conversations about our mom's care, my sibling refused to agree.
This is how things worked when my spouse's mother needed care. I was not involved in the conversations but supported my spouse through listening and offering my opinions in our private conversations.
Is it wrong of me to ask my sibling to agree to leave our spouses out of conversations regarding our mom's care?
I am not close with any of my 8 siblings. Two sisters had POA mostly because of their proximity. My mom moved in with me from states away after a less than ideal situation at my sister's house. It was good that they didn't try to give me their opinions...and I wouldn't have welcomed their spouses opinions either. The 3 siblings that lived near her had their chance to "care" for her.
The first thing I wondered, reading your story, is whether your sibling is sharing their true feelings with you. Is your sibling too meek, or shies away from conflict, or allows you to take control, because they are not bold enough to speak up?
They are then complaining privately to their spouse, who is bold enough to speak up on your sibling's behalf.
Have a conversation with your sibling, ask how they really feel, and if they have any ideas, fears, concerns or resentments they have not expressed.
If you feel the two of you are on the same page, and in agreement regarding your parent's care, then it is ok for you to disregard the interfering spouse. Some people are just emotional bullies. They have such a need for attention, and to make every situation about them, they will aggressively interject themselves into YOUR private matter. When this person speaks out, calmly let them know that you and your sibling are managing the care of your parents. You don't have to get into an argument with them. They LOVE that! Creating an argument, so you can look like a jerk. It's a manipulation tactic. They have succeeded in bringing you under their control. Rather than get into a heated argument, simply turn to your sibling and ask, "is this what you would like to do?" or "what would you like to do?"
Oh, by the way, just some examples of my manipulative DIL's behavior:
She organized a fund-raiser benefit for my husband, and kept all the money.
She got into a fight with my stepson, her then fiance, at the hospital, leaving him at the hospital because he was giving more of his attention to his father in ICU than to her. She wanted him to go shopping with her at the mall.
She called me crying from the nursing home, because my husband, with brain damage after a massive stroke, was not nice to her. She wanted me to do something about it, come down there and fix this situation. She was out in the hallway crying, while her husband was yelling at his father. They both found his dementia behavior toward her "unacceptable".
When I asked her what she would like me to do about it, she called me a bitch.
On another occassion, at the nursing home, when I had taken time off from work to attend a care-team meeting with family, she told her husband (my stepson) that she should be a part of this meeting, but she didn't have time now, because she had to go pick up her son from school, so she had everybody reschedule an hour or so later to accommodate her. We all just waited around for her to return.
I'm just letting you know - if this is the kind of person you are dealing with, they will twist everything in your life to revolve around them. But they only have as much power as you give them. Shut it down quickly, and without emotion.
That said, I do think it depends on the family dynamics as to whether the spouse is expected to be included in the discussions. My parents are gone, but my in-laws are still here and my spouse is required to be more and more involved. He only has one sibling, a brother. Brothers wife is more involved than brother and us wives are expected to be involved by everyone. Proper boundaries have never been observed here.
My personal feeling is it should be up to the sibs only unless certain aspects affect the spouses and then private discussions should occur, but not happening in the currently dysfunctional 3 ring circus that is my in-laws current situation. Good luck to you.
Your sibling's spouse needs to mind their own business and you need to tell them to. Let them worry about their own parents, not yours.
Wrong? No. Complete waste of time? You betcha.
If your sib was uncomfortable with spouse chiming in, I imagine that would have been a private conversation between them. The fact that your sib allows it to happen kind of speaks volumes that, at the very least, it doesn't bother them, and quite possibly your sib welcomes it.
The question you really should be asking is "why?".
Have you asked your sibling, privately, what is going on with this? You say you haven't had the best relationship in the past, but you were at least able to work together in caring for parents in relative (no pun intended) harmony.
So maybe it's time to lay your cards on the table, and directly ask sib what is up with the spouse? Is the spouse resentful of the time your sib spends with you taking care of parents? Is your SIB starting to grow resentful of it, and the spouse has volunteered to be the "bad guy" (which is something I could totally see my husband doing for me in a similar circumstance)? Caregiving effects everyone in a family, even if it's not "their" relative needing care, and they're not the ones offering the hands-on caregiving. Have the care needs grown lately, as care needs often do when one is caring for aging parents? Are sib/spouse starting to think about maybe starting a family of their own and see this as an obstacle? Have there been complaints made by sib/spouse about the caregiving situation that have been ignored or dismissed out of hand, because that's not what mom/dad "wanted"? There are lots of reasons I can see where a spouse might get involved in these conversations, and might start to get agitated during them, and it doesn't automatically mean that spouse is in the wrong.
What you absolutely can, and should, do is if spouse's comments become contentious enough where you feel you are being bullied, is to tell spouse directly: "You know, I understand you have an opinion, and while I appreciate your desire to make that opinion known, I will ask you - once, politely - to not speak to me that way again. If it continues, you and I are going to have a real problem."
Not knowing anything about you, sib, spouse and your various family dynamics, it's really impossible to know what's driving the spouse to interject an opinion that makes you feel bullied. But if your sib is inviting spouse to share that opinion, there's not going to be much you can do to stop it. Better to get to the reasons why and try to work through those if at all possible.
So if you are the one caring for Mom 24/7, then you don't need their input. Being a spouse to your sister gives him no authority. And since he belittles you, you don't need him involved. And since she won't back u up, then you don't need her.
If you cannot manage caregiving in this manner then this comes down to who is POA, who has the right to make decisions. If that is you, then you will need now to cut the sibling out of the loop and simply inform the sibling what you are doing about things.
It is not going to work if you are not in charge of caregiving and caregiving is what you are doing.
There are too many chefs in this stew and they are being added to.
Time to get down to basics.
Who is the POA for mother's care. She lives with YOU. YOU should be the one making decisions she is no longer capable of making for herself.
IMO you weren't wrong to want this or to ask ask that someone who made the discussions unproductive and unpleasant stay out, but... now what? Will you now add your spouse back in (if they want to partiipate). So, 2 couples at odds.
Hopefully you are the PoA. This dynamic with your S and BIL is not going to improve -- they seem clueless and dysfunctional. As your Mom's care needs increase and your contribution as the primary caregiver increases as well (and you are being primed to be The Only Solution for her care) you now need clear and strong boundaries so that you don't burn out.
If the meeting is at your house then you can invite anyone that you want INTO your house. If you do not want the spouse in the meeting you can ask them to wait outside. Your house, your rules,.
If you are feeling less than comfortable, if you are feeling threatened, belittled, bullied in any way it is within your right to set the meeting the way you feel safe and comfortable.
If need be you can tell your sibling this is the way you feel and if they do not exclude the spouse you will have to have meetings with a mediator present,. The cost of mediation will be borne by the sibling and the spouse.
Your other option if you so wish would be to step away and let sibling assume all responsibility for caregiving . If mom is living with you mom moves in with sibling. If mom is in a facility sibling can care manage. If you are POA you would step back, sibling would have to petition to become Guardian. Not inexpensive and time consuming. That way you are removed from all decisions involving mom.
It can be tough dealing with judgemental or pushy people.
Your sister may be encouraging or at least allowing BIL's opinions when this is not welcome to you. Does she know how you feel?
I tried very hard to be supportive to my spouse, listening & discussing matters just between us. I was glad I took that position, as when matter of care arose, illness worsened, then a death, I was not invited to voice my opinions or thoughts by his family. It became crystal clear they were blood and I was water.
Now my side needs much support, discussion & direction. My DH has taken the same position. He has been a huge support to me & we discuss matters frankly when alone. I have asked his option but he has only spoken to the wider group when invited. My BIL is similar but my sister has talked to me of feeling directed/swayed by his opinions. My BIL has been honest about how he would do things differently - but has been respectful.
What has worked is honesty between us & respect.
What hasn't worked for me is when I telephone my sister & find out 20 mins or more later I am on speakerphone. I get she wanted to involve her DH & have another pair of ears - but I need better honesty & have said so.
I now use txt & email more.
We each choose when to share info. Spouse opinion is by agreed INVITATION (which we both did just last week). We also have engaged professional advice when required.
So in a nutshell, yeah I think the in-laws are not DRIVING here so need to shut up in the backseat (unless invited to speak) 😁