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Ever since I have decided to get married and starting the process of moving abroad my family break apart. So my elderly parents stays together because of me in the house , I do a lot mostly for my mum because for most of her life she’s dependent , she doesn’t drive or go shopping alone. Anyway, in few months I will have to travel and marry and my mum decides to come with me , she said she can’t stay with my dad alone. I have two other sisters who have both got married and having children. One of the sister is half sister, my dad is not her dad. My mum plan is to live with me abroad for some months and go back to her country to live with her other daughter. She’s not happy with this and wants to live longer period but visa issues won’t let her do it. My youngest sister is not really discussing future for our parents and doesn’t want to bother since she has very young children. My main concern is my father who is in his early 80s who will be living alone in his country. I don’t want to make this about me but I can’t help feeling angry that everyone around me lived their life , my parents both left their parents and moved abroad. And now it’s my time and no one is talking or finding any solution. My mum keeps telling me that children should let their parent live with them. And I told her like why is she giving me hard time more than my other siblings who didn’t offer her to live with them. What made all of this more complicated is only this year my father decided to tell me that I’m adopted. I’m worried about the future for my dad , my mum has support system back home and her biological daughter lives there.

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There is 1 big unanswered question...
What does your future husband think about his MIL moving in with the two of you after just getting married?
I think you need to tell your mom "No, you can not move with me."
You and others have been enabling mom to be dependent on others for her entire life. this has been of no help to her or to the people that have been enabling her.
If you think she is dependent on you now...imagine her in another country, another language (I am presuming that) with no friends, no family, no medical service that she can easily have access to (and what happens if she does need medical care will you and your new husband be willing and able to pay for her care?)

She will manage in her current home.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Geaton777 Jun 3, 2025
Good point! Even if her future husband is "ok" with it, what happens if *his* parents are assuming the same thing: moving in with him is their elder care solution? In "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" all 4 grandparents are in Charlie's tiny house, all bedridden and all in the same bed together...
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The only thing you can do is to tell them all no and mean it. There seems to be cultural nuances at play in your situation but that doesn't matter because cultures are in flux all the time. "Traditions" that are unfair or onerous don't need to be accepted or respected. When people don't respect your boundaries you have to relentlessly defend them yourself. No one can be assumed into caregiving -- and some cultures are notorious for doing this to their children (especially women). But we live in the 21st century now and you are entitled to live your life first and foremost. You and your siblings can help your Dad find resources in his country for appropriate care. You don't say what country, so hoping it's one that has social services for the elderly. Did your Dad ask you to help him? If not, then don't worry about him. He decided to tell you that you're adopted now? Why? Also, how do you know it's true? Do not let your Mom live with you. Tell her now so that she can internalize this reality. Help her get back to her home country and, like your Dad, help her find the resources there for her care. So sorry for this burdensome situation. Go live your life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Artistf Jun 3, 2025
Thanks a lot for your comment and I will reply to that but the Willy wonka comment really made me laugh and I couldn’t reply now
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This is a marriage issue between your parents . Just because your mother doesn’t want to live with her husband doesn’t mean she can assume you will replace him . This is for your parents to figure out . Your mother can hire someone to take her shopping . Your mother not being independent her whole life is on her .

Get married and leave Mom behind .
Dad can hire a helper for whatever he needs as well.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Tell your mother no.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Dawn88 Sep 9, 2025
Amen to that!
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So, did your father try to sabotage your marriage and happiness by announcing that you are adopted? So your bf would not marry you? And see you as less desirable in your culture based on your own description? Was he trying to keep you as an indentured servant for your mother and him? How despicable. if any of this rings true. Go live your life. Let your father take care of his wife and your mother get to understand that you are a separate human being. She is not you. You are not her. She can deal with her husband. Cultural differences aside, your mother is an adult and made her choices. You and your siblings are not responsible for her. If she wants to go back to her home country, she can contact the daughter there. If she is willing, You can assist with money for airfare. Avoid the toxic family interactions. It will bring you down.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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You should kot have Mom live with you newly married. The first year should be just you and hubby. And sorry, but Mom leaving Dad may be considered abandonment if he can't do for himself. She would have to make arrangements for his care. Mom is responsible for Dad not you. Go get married and leave your parents behind.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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New marriage. To me that says it all.

This will be a time of great transition. From living with your original family to living in a new couplehood. Then building your own family (whether you stay as a couple, or have children one day).

It doesn’t mean you don't love your parents & siblings.. There can be room in your heart for everyone. But you can only sleep in one bed at a time & that will be with your new husband.
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Reply to Beatty
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People will usually be true to their own cultures. It's very interesting.

Your mum must be afraid of having freedom. I'd guess that she's always had someone else to make her choices for her. She never had to learn how to do it. But what if she could?

I'm happily married but have been a single adult. It is so nice as a single person not to have to answer to someone else! Wake up in the morning and do whatever she wants. Go out or not. Attend a movie by herself! Imagine that! Sitting there alone in the dark enjoying what she wants, not what someone else insisted upon. Cooking or not. Eating chocolates for breakfast. If only you could convince mom to live alone in a little place of her own where there's not much upkeep and she could make friends.

I know this will never happen because her culture is ingrained. But wouldn't it be nice?
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Reply to Fawnby
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Do you want to be divorced? Soon? Do NOT allow your mother to move in with you!
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Reply to Daisy9
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Seriously? You cannot start a new marriage with your Mom living with you!
Two is company, three's a CROWD.

I'd make it very clear....you are making vows with your new husband, not your Mom. It's your turn now to enjoy a relationship with the man you love, and start a new life!

I would remind your Mom she left her parents behind to get married. Your Mom has been spoiled for years, and now will have to do without her free Caregiver Slave. Too bad!

Don't even consider Mom's ridiculous plan. Start refusing NOW and moving forward assertively with your own plan with your new husband. How incredibly selfish your Mom is! Mom has her own support system, including your Dad.

Enjoy your new life you deserve. Not everyone gets a chance at happiness, so focus on your future and GO!
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