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So since my last question was about my dad and I getting I to a little argument and he was refusing to come out of his room to eat, drink and take meds. Since then we had a phone/video chat with his primary doctor. He’s not showing any signs of Alzheimer’s, dementia or UTI. He’s just being stubborn over an argument about tv volume. He had a stroke and his mood has been all over since he’s been home living with us. He usually lived alone and now of course he can’t. So it is a big change for all of us. It’s nice but he definitely has his moments.


Anyways he’s been taking his meds, drinking water but still not eating...but doctor said to just monitor him for any major changes in behavior or if he is at all in danger of harming himself.


Now I love my dad more than ever! I know he deep down knows I’m here for him and care about him but he’s always been very stubborn and I’m not going to give in an apologize every time he is the one yelling at me for little things and then he basically is punishing himself by staying in his room all day and won’t talk to me.


That being said should I just do what the doctor says and just let him pout and be stubborn and when he’s ready to talk he will? I’m just worried he will get worse and I can’t really do anything about it....he’s constantly saying he doesn’t need help and he’s fine alone. Idk any advise?


Already spoke with doctor


and behavior hotline for elderly


said it’s his choice....


I just hate having to sit around and not be able to go out with my husband or kids because I’m too worried about my father....

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Quinn, Joann is right. You wrote out a list of what your dad is actually eating, and based on it, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about. The amount of calories a human being needs vs. what we THINK they need are two different matters. Americans are obsessed with overeating and micromanaging our food intake as it is............so my suggesting is leave your dad alone on the food subject. Let him eat whatever he wants. My mother is 93.5 and and I bring her a variety of junk food every week at her Memory Care. I don't even ask what she's eating or not eating, b/c it's irrelevant. Today she told me she had a pb& j sandwich for lunch (which is their dinner over at the ALF) and I said Oh That's Nice. She'll go back to her room later and gorge on junk. Who cares? At her age, she's earned the right to eat or not eat whatever she wants, right? :)

You can't save a person from himself ANYWAY, so get that thought out of your head. If your dad wants to sequester himself away in his room, so be it. If he wants to yell at you for little nothings, then YOU can leave and sequester YOURSELF away in your room. Don't take all of this stuff so personally. Just let him be. When the virus has slowed down and doctors start acting like doctors again instead of simpering cowards (which is how I feel they've been acting for a long time now), maybe THEN your dad will be treated properly and given a test for dementia so he can be evaluated and you'll know just what you're dealing with. Gee, there's a terrible deadly virus outbreak? Let's close our doors and quit seeing patients entirely! Let's diagnose them over the phone or better yet, over ZOOM visits!!! My mother can bend over and show the ipad the boil on her butt, I suppose, huh? ((((Climbing down off my soapbox now))))

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of your dad and finding a routine that works best for YOU. Try not to worry so much, it sounds like you are doing a grand job of taking care of him. Kudos to you!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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From your response to me, it looks like Dad is eating. Maybe not in the amount you think but he is eating. Just realize as we age our metabolism slows down so we burn food slower. Add to that we aren't as active so we need less calories.

My daughter worked in NHs and she says even State requirements for the amount a food served to each resident is too much. Always left overs. From what u listed, Dad is getting what he needs. Milk is not important. We r the only mammals that feed milk to their children after weening them. As my daughter says, "Cows milk is for calves to make them 400/500 lb cows." Also as we age, some become lactose intolerant. Milk actually upsets their stomach. Dad can get calcium other ways.

I wouldn't worry. He may not be getting a variety of foods but if that is what he likes thats OK.
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Quinn2015 Aug 10, 2020
The food was just me listing his normal Food choices...I forgot to mention that isn't how he’s eating now he’s barely drinking water and comes out in the middle of night to get a snack or 2 he avoids coming out when we’re in the kitchen or living room. So we try to just fine stuff to do outside most of the day in hopes he will come out more. Waiting for doctors office to open to talk more with them.
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Would you give in to a toddler? That is the behavior you are dealing with. He has appropriate supervision, the doctor says leave him be, and there is nothing you can do to "make" him do anything. He will eventually get hungry, tired, bored, lonely, and make his own decision to leave the room. Every time you try to cajole him into eating or leaving his room or rejoining the family he'll just dig in harder. Think of him as a toddler (or teenager). Just ignore the him and he'll do it in his own time and his own time will be faster if you don't give him any attention for his bad behavior.
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My question would be, how can a doctor determine if someone is suffering from a Dementia from a phone/video chat. In my opinion 😊, Dad has had a stroke and needs a follow up. Strokes cause some damage to the brain. Some, with therapy, can come back, others don't. Depression will also curb your appetite.

Maybe you can get creative with food like with a child that is a picky eater. Its not what they eat at each meal, its how much they eat thru out the day. I read once where a banana and a glass of milk gave you your vitamins for the day, Is there a way you could set out some favorite fruit in his room. Maybe packages of cheese and crackers. Boxes of raisins, if he likes them. Buy ensure or boost and get it very cold. Choc is usually the best in these things. I used to eat Slim Fast and a couple of hours before I ate it I would freeze it, was like a milkshake. Since Dad is not active, he doesn't need as many calories. So, may get by with about 1500 a day. Not less than a 1000/1200. Check with his doctor. This may not be a boundary you can set. You may have to be flexible. Allow him to eat when he wants.
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lealonnie1 Aug 9, 2020
Exactly. Her dad needs a REAL dementia evaluation before 'phone diagnoses' can or should be made.
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Several men who went on a ‘political’ hunger strike and refused food, all lasted around 60 days before they died. Dehydration is much quicker. If your father is in reasonable condition and is drinking water, it’s a long time before the food refusal will seriously harm him. This may reassure you a bit! Go out with your family and don’t worry. Sulking all by himself might mean he gets over this quicker.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Follow the doctors orders.

Go enjoy your life, your dad will be fine with his tantrum.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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OK, so first of all, strokes do change mentation. Very much so. People who had never sworn in their lives come to swear like troopers. Troopers who swore like them come to think swearing wrong.
Dad is having a lot of adjustment.
You can try to speak with him. Tell him what you told us. Say "I love you more than ever, and I love having you here, but we are going to have to be honest with one another. We can be mad. We can get over it. But we are going to have to be able to speak with one another".
If this doesn't work I have nothing for you. You cannot change someone's behavior really. Meet it with love and humor and let Dad make his own decision. I used to be a real grudge holder. I would punish people with my withdrawal. Then 34 years ago met my partner and he just wouldn't stay mad. No matter I was staying mad he treated it like it didn't happen. I finally would say "I am not speaking to you. I am mad" and he would laugh and say "Oh, I never stay mad. That was then. Let me know when you forgive me" and on he would go. It was impossible to stay mad at him. Try to treat your Dad with love and humor and make it impossible to stay mad at you.
It is VERY difficult for a Dad to say to a son "I need help". It reverses the tables on what they have seen as their value, their norm for all of their lives. Be patient, and goodness, with your love and willing heart, if it CAN be OK, it WILL be OK. Remember, you aren't Mr. Fix-it. You cannot fix everything. Everything is not within your control. Just relax and let time heal things.
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