Should I be concerned?

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I have enduring power of attorney for my elderly mother who has dementia. She lives independently in a retirement village (she has a licence to occupy) with a lot of daily support from me and various outside agencies. She has recently been assessed as needing rest home care.

I am the youngest of five siblings; none of my siblings live in this country. One sibling is married to a woman who I believe has a narcissist personality disorder. My brother has become engulfed by his wife and treats others as she does; and due to her influence he has isolated himself from most of his family, although he does maintain a relationship with the oldest sibling.

The first time my parents visited them after they were married they wanted to leave as my father couldn't stand the terrible way my brother’s wife treated him. My parents were told that if they left they would never see their granddaughter again. She treated my late father with utter disdain and other siblings living in the same city have also been subject to similar behaviours. Consequently I disengaged from my brother and fell out with him soon after my father died when I questioned his actions.

When my father passed away he left me his car as my mother has never driven and I was the only one here to look after mum. This caused some upset with my sister in law; she challenged my mother about it and said “she gets everything.” She also referred to my grandparent’s car which I bought off them when my grandfather could no longer drive; she obviously thought that I was given it.

During a visit a few years ago my brother and sister in law asked my mother what she intends to do with her engagement ring and my brother phoned my mother when they got home to again ask about the ring. My mother could hear his wife in the background telling him what to say.

My brother has emailed the sibling that he remains in contact with asking her to contact the Trust where my mother lives to ask what happens to her home when she goes into full time care and what happens with the reconciliation of the monies. He also said he wants to know how long “we have” to empty the unit once my mother vacates and he doesn't mean to sound callous but "we" need to know. I imagine when he says "we" it's him and his wife.

In the past he has doubted my ability to be my mother's enduring power of attorney. My other siblings have no concerns about my ability and have not even considered asking the questions my brother has. They have offered to come over and help with the moving process. Along with my aunt I am also executor of my mother's Will.

I feel these questions are being driven by his wife and it gives me an uneasy feeling of concern that things may become nasty if they come over here and try to take over. Or am I over analysing the whole situation?

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All you can do is what you've already done. You know that your bro and his wife are capable of being troublemakers so be prepared. Keep squeaky clean records and have all legal documents in place. Then put the brother out of your mind and spend time with your mom. It's hard enough to deal with an ill parent, you don't need to waste time on a henpecked brother and a narcissist SIL who wants someone's jewelry who is probably still wearing it. Lord help her, she sounds like a real winner.
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"it is what it is -they are who they are - and it just isn't gonna change" -- it is time to say this. :D

Without trying to change them, I think it prudent to protect your mother and yourself and your siblings from them. Your mother is moving -- she is not dying. Her engagement ring is still hers. The will determines the distribution of her assets when she dies. As DPOA you have the duty to safeguard her property and see to it her wishes are respected while she is alive. Whoever is the executor of her will has that duty after she dies.

If you have been dealing with a lawyer regarding your mother's affairs, you might give him or her a heads up regarding potential problems from one sibling. If things get nasty, involve the lawyer to nib it in the bud.

Good luck!
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I have a similar situation with my mother-in-law and one of her children and his wife. I expect some trouble upon her passing, so be sure and keep good documentation in case they are ever needed. And as MishkaM says "keep a good circle of positive people in your life and choose happiness". Your mother chose you for POA for a reason - and that's obviously because she trusts you. Just because your brother and his wife are miserable, doesn't mean you have to be - so keep your head up high and know you're doing the right thing - whether they believe you or not.
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Hi pinkpetal2013, I don't know why your question never got answered. It may have got lost in the shuffle here. It sure sounds like your SIL is selfish and controlling and , yes, realistically, I would expect trouble from her. I would prepare myself for it but try not to let it dominate my thoughts and feelings. You may not have a lot of time with your Mom and you probably have a lot of other more important issues to deal with than this selfish woman and your brother's lack of a control.
I don't know if you are thinking about it too much but I know I tend to do that when I feel that someone is wrong or , more accurately I feel wronged by them, -- I will go over the situation in my head --over and over again --trying to figure out a way to make things right and get the person to see their foolishness or whatnot. I finally figured out that I cannot change people and that all I can do is try and live around their decisions even if I did not agree with them. That is if I tried for awhile with no success. At some point you just have to say - it is what it is -they are who they are - and it just isn't gonna change. I don't know if you need to do that yet, of course, but if you find yourself saying and doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different reaction out of your SIL and brother it may be time to just focus on the positives in your life, protect yourself as much as you can ( document things, keep a good circle of positive people in your life, take the high road...) and choose happiness.
I think I am rambling some. Sorry. :0/. Good luck and I hope you get some more feedback.
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