How do I handle disgruntled, dysfunctional family members?
My husband and I began caregiving for my mother-in-law 6 years ago after my father-in-law passed away. She has numerous health problems, can't drive, can't write a check or pay bills or take care of her house. My husband has Financial POA and I have Medical POA. I have accompanied her to all of her doctor visits and hospital visits. Any time she was sick, I would text her two sons and grandchildren what was going on trying to keep them apprised of their mother's situation. One son lives out of state, but another son lives local and has never offered to help her or us with anything - which I've accepted because my mother-in-law doesn't trust him nor his wife because of things that have happened in the past. I believe he thinks we are spending "his inheritence" or being too extravagant which is not true. Which he also doesn't understand, the only reason he is even in her will was with my encouragement. My mother-in-law was not going to leave him anything - but I encouraged her to do so. Any money spent was on her for her care - and it's what should happen with her money. It started out her living in her residence with a grandson (my nephew) also living with her but he barely helped her with anything. Then we moved her into our home when she required a little more care. She eventually progressed to needing more care, so we moved her into an excellent Assisted Living facility trying to keep her out of a nursing home. He never came to visit her in the Assisted Living facility - so he hasn't seen his mother in 2 years but I was still keeping him updated. He started not acknowledging my updates after she went into the AL. Now she is on hospice, and my brother-in-law is still not talking to us, but going through this grandson/nephew. This grandson/nephew has lied before and caused strife in the past, so there's no telling what he is saying. What I can't understand is how this son can treat us so badly after caring for his mother for so long, especially when he didn't want to be bothered by it. I have always tried to have a decent relationship with him but had been warned by my husband to not bother. Now I wish I would have listened. After this is all over, I seriously plan on never talking to this person again. Am I taking this too personal? Any thoughts?
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There are just greedy jerks in the world. I say to those kids of people, what goes around comes around and one day you'll be old - who'll want to take care of a greedy jerk when you're old ?!!!
There are just greedy jerks in the world. I say to those kids of people, what goes around comes around and one day you'll be old - who'll want to take care of a greedy jerk when you're old ?!!!
I can say I am in your brother in law's place in my family. However, I have never done one thing to deserve it. Sounds as if you are doing the right thing. Helping your MIL, taking care of her all of these years. And her money is for her care, not an inheritance. I hate that word, inheritance.
In my family, my mother is still healthy. But at 82, tomorrow could be different. Neither my brother nor I have ever caused her one moments trouble, needed one penny, nor asked for it and have always been good, upstanding citizens. However, over the years my mother got the impression I wanted her money. I think it is because my husband's family had quite a bit of money and it was to be set up in trusts for the children. That is the way my father in law wanted it. And it all worked out beautifully, never any problems.
So my mother is very suspicious by nature and she doesn't trust me or my husband. No reason, all in her head. But she has come between me and my brother. I can't tell you exactly why, I don't really know. There is much dysfunction there.
So make sure the reason your BIL stays away is not due to being hurt. Make sure your MIL is not just being paranoid and suspicious without any basis for it.
I have not seen my mother in almost three years. Yes, that sounds horrible doesn't it. However, she won't come to Florida to visit me (can't be bothered, hasn't been here in 13 years) and I am welcome for two, maybe three days, then I got to go. So we have no relationship. She is selfish, narcissistic and lies about me often.
Be sure your BIL is the problem, not the victim. Sometimes things are not what you think........ but maybe he is just a jerk. I would like to know. It makes me sad to think my brother and sister in law probably think I am a jerk too when all I really would love is to spend a month with my elderly mother who doesn't really want me.
Take care.
You know some people are just jerks and it sounds like your BIL is one of them. I'm sorry; and I should not judge but still.... You know you are a good person and have done right by your Mother-in-Law (MIL) - I would try and ignore the brother-in-law (BIL) if you can. It is a shame that he has missed out on a relationship with his mother. To protect yourself from the grandson/nephew I would keep good documentation of all things you do for your MIL and money spent for her. Just in case. Also keep you texts that you have sent in case they try and say you never told them what was going on with their Mother. I hope it doesn't get to that but better safe than sorry. Good luck.