Your MIL should not be in your HOUSE with memory problems, fuggedabout a key! DH needs to sit down at the drawing board to figure out Plan B C D E and F for when his mother starts wandering around at night and leaves the house; For when she starts cooking on the stove and forgets to turn the gas or electric off, or burns the food to a crisp; for when she leaves the faucet in the sink on for hours and floods the bathroom.......and on and on. Unless he has tons of experience with Alzheimer's and dementia behaviors, he's in for a very rude awakening as she progressively declines. He may want to read up on the diseases and what to expect moving forward.
If I were you, I'd be touring the local Memory Care communities so you'll have Plan G in YOUR back pocket.
I agree with you, its ur husbands decision. He is the one who brought her into ur home without consulting you. He now is responsible for every decision. If she has a melt down, walk away and let him handle it.
I say No to the keys. Didn't like my MIL having ours and she had no health problems.
He decided to make her a set of keys the same day she confronted me about when she was going to get them.I don't know if she hadn't had her medicines for the day which caused her to be like she was in the morning but she was calm by afternoon when my husband gave her the keys and nothing waa mentioned about how she was talking to me in the morning.Yesterday she couldn't remember that she had stew for lunch.She denied she did when asked if she wanted some for supper.
CountryMouse is correct, the keys are the least of your problems. You should be your husband's first priority. If I were in your shoes I would make a time to talk to your husband (not at your home with your MIL in earshot) to discuss the situation and that the trajectory is your MIL will require more and more care, more and more of your time, and more and more $$ for her care, etc. She would be better off in a nice care community where she can have a social life and all the medical attention she needs and you 2 will get your lives back and can visit her, take her for outings, etc. If you go to such a meeting prepared with info (costs, facts, etc) and approach it in a non-emotional way, he will be better able to "hear" you. He is doing what he thinks is loving but this is not necessarily in your MILs best interest. If it is a financial issue for her, he can help her apply for Medicaid and she can still be in a nice facility getting the same care as everyone else who private pay. It is totally unreasonable for parents to expect their adult children to give up a large portion of their lives and finances to care for them in a way they have romanticized and not asked for their permission to participate beforehand! Please don't let this situation drag on...it won't improve with time. Good luck!
Somewhere, if your MIL is actually not able to leave the house unaccompanied in any case, what's the harm in her having a key? And if you are SURE she will never need it or try to use it, you could give her a blank key with the right address tied to it on a label, just to reassure her.
But I do fully agree with you that this is for your husband to deal with, not you.
It is beginning to sound as though in trying to do the right, loving thing he is actually making a terrible mess of at least three people's lives. Is he listening to advice from anyone?
The OP's mother in law lives with the OP and her husband in the OP's house. She has been there for ?three months or so?
The OP's husband agreed to move his mother in after her previous situation - she had been living with the OP's SIL for three years - broke down. Unfortunately the OP was not present when this move was agreed by other family members. Since then, the OP's husband has made significant adaptations to the home; and unfortunately, again, discussion and communication seem to be difficult. There is support from outside caregivers but nonetheless the OP feels "swamped."
The MIL has congestive heart failure, and her memory problems may be a result of that.
Somewhere... the keys, while an important practical matter, seem a comparatively small item on your plate right now.
Have you thought about where you *would* like things to go from here?
NO! My mother had memory issues and I stupidly let her have a key and garage door opener... after she left the house open several times, I made different arrangements. You must protect yourself!
A bit more info is needed... Where does she live? If she lives with you is she ever left alone? Does she need a key? How bad is the memory problem? If she does not need a key give her any key you want to give her if it will make her feel better. If she is never left alone then she really does not need a key so giving her a "fake" key might be a solution. I suppose another "solution" is to replace your regular lock with a digital one. This way you can tell her that the lock does not have a key. If the concern is she will lose the key there are security systems that will alert you if anyone comes to the door, key or not so you would know if anyone was using a key to get in.
She has lived with us for 4 weeks now and this morning she wanted to know when she was getting a key.Very insistant about it.saying she never has lived in a place where she didnt have a key.Says she wants the key so she can come and go when she needs to.She thinks she is going to get out more and more though she has congestive heart failure and is suppose to be on oxygen during the day not just at night.I really dont know the total diagnosis but 3 years ago she was on hospice and improved so she had to get.With her memory issues I do not want her to have a key.she said I was his wife and I told her he makes all the decisions.I left it at that.He made the decision to move her in the house without me in the discussion.Maybe she believed she would get a yes from me even though she has asked him before.
If I were you, I'd be touring the local Memory Care communities so you'll have Plan G in YOUR back pocket.
Good luck!
I say No to the keys. Didn't like my MIL having ours and she had no health problems.
But I do fully agree with you that this is for your husband to deal with, not you.
It is beginning to sound as though in trying to do the right, loving thing he is actually making a terrible mess of at least three people's lives. Is he listening to advice from anyone?
The OP's husband agreed to move his mother in after her previous situation - she had been living with the OP's SIL for three years - broke down. Unfortunately the OP was not present when this move was agreed by other family members. Since then, the OP's husband has made significant adaptations to the home; and unfortunately, again, discussion and communication seem to be difficult. There is support from outside caregivers but nonetheless the OP feels "swamped."
The MIL has congestive heart failure, and her memory problems may be a result of that.
Somewhere... the keys, while an important practical matter, seem a comparatively small item on your plate right now.
Have you thought about where you *would* like things to go from here?
PS - One month, sorry; not three months.
Where does she live?
If she lives with you is she ever left alone?
Does she need a key?
How bad is the memory problem?
If she does not need a key give her any key you want to give her if it will make her feel better.
If she is never left alone then she really does not need a key so giving her a "fake" key might be a solution.
I suppose another "solution" is to replace your regular lock with a digital one. This way you can tell her that the lock does not have a key.
If the concern is she will lose the key there are security systems that will alert you if anyone comes to the door, key or not so you would know if anyone was using a key to get in.