Follow
Share

I am moving from FL to IN to care for my mom (70) who recently suffered a spinal cord injury.
My brother and I along with some helpers (we need to find) will be caring for her.
I am leaving everything; my home, dogs, husband, job, grown children and I am okay with that but I am scared. This is a HUGE change and I worry I wont be able to do what needs to be done.
I want to say that I at least tried to care for her before making that choice of a nursing home...any advice for staying positive and keeping the depression at a distance? TY

Find Care & Housing
Oh...don’t do this.

move Mom to a nursing home near you...but...do not abandon your life for her......you will regret this at so many levels!!!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Katiekate
Report

Do not do this.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report

Why would you leave your husband to become a caregiver to your mother?

I don't understand what is motivating you to make such a choice.

From your profile, your mother is immobile. How do you think that two middle aged folks with no training are going to do the work of three shifts of young trained caregivers?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

This is a decision you need to weigh very carefully. You must be new to this site or you would be familiar with the thousands of posts regarding caregiving. First of all, be aware that, if you assume the caregiver role, your brothers will probably drop out. Decent, paid caregivers are hard to find and often unreliable. Are you willing to give up your home and family in Florida for this cause? Will you be going back to Florida and dumping this problem on your brothers? Your best bet would be to move mom closer to you (or brothers) into an assisted living center. This is a neverending road to Hell. Tread carefully.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to katiekat2009
Report

Jugie; here's the thing; if mom is currently in the hospital or rehab, you have a golden opportunity to transfer her seamlessly to long term care.

That chance may not come again; there are many sad stories on this board of folks who brought their loved ones home from a care situation and installed themselves as sole or nearly sole caregivers. When the parent becomes in need of more care, or develops dementia and becomes behavioral, the caregiver is trapped in a situation in which the still competent elder cannot be forced into care and the caregiver cannot leave without being possibly charged with abandonment.

Wouldn't it be better to try the long term care solution FIRST?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Don't do this! Go to IN to VISIT for a few weeks and get your mom settled into a NH close to your brother (assuming he lives there).

Have you read the stories on this website at all? Let them serve as a warning to you. Your marriage and your health will suffer greatly for this!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to XenaJada
Report

Probably a bad decision. Rethink this immediately before you do it. There are so many alternatives. Spend more time on this site before you take action on this problem. You are likely to have your eyes opened as to the depth of the troubles ahead for ALL of your loved ones.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to vegaslady
Report

OK, you are doing what so many of us have done before by jumping in when there is a crisis, the advice to back away comes from people who have watched themselves or someone close to them have a similar scenario end badly. You seem committed so I am going to urge you to put some kind of firm boundaries in place so that you aren't sucked into a downward spiral of providing ever increasing levels of care with no end in sight.
1/ Plan an end date... this prevents weeks turning into months turning into years.
2/ Identify what level of care you are not willing/able to give - bathing and toileting are often the tipping points.
3/ Have a plan in place for your mother in the event she can not return to independence by your end date - one that does not include your constant presence.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cwillie
Report
JoAnn29 Dec 4, 2019
Liked that. Was writing while u were I guess.
(0)
Report
You are being very unfair to yourself and to your entire family. You are responsible to your own family, not your parent. I am sorry you are making this decision. As has been noted, this is the ideal situation now to get your mother properly placed. From there you owe her love and you will do the best you can with that I am certain.
It is the old dread Eagle story again. The eagle faces storms and raging waters and must move his fledglings from the nest. He begins to carry the first chick across the raging water and he asks the chick "When I am old will you do the same for me" and the chick replies "Yes, Father, I will". The eagle promptly and purposely drops this chick into the water and returns for his other. He asks the other chick the same question and the other replies "Father, I am so sorry, but I DO promise you I will save my OWN chicks as you are saving me". That chick is the one he saves.
Your priorities are wrong. Your love is your motivation, and it is understandable, given little time to work this out and discuss it. Please don't do this. Please contact social services and have your mother placed. She may well live another three decades. Will you give up your entire family to devote that time to her?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

You don't mention in your post or profile if this is a permanent condition or if your mother can regain some function with time, therapy, etc. If there's no likelihood of improvement, then you and your brothers need to seriously reconsider your plan of action. Going to IN for a time limited period might not be a bad idea if it will allow you and your brothers to assess your mother's situation, get expert advice, and look for a more permanent placement for her. This degree of disability could require placement in a skilled nursing facility for now, and is not something that is easily taken care of at home. You should NOT be giving up your life for an open-ended and "permanent" caregiving set-up.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to newbiewife
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter