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My father was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer 4 years ago. He is still monitored by his providers and has other health issues. I am missing out on time with my spouse staying here for my father but feel obligated. I am starting to become resentful towards my father.

Help you father set up in home care (his money) or move to an assisted living or hospice. You should no longer put your life on hold. You can visit and call - but you are a wife too.
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Reply to Kimber166
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NeedHelpWithMom covered all the bases - I always do a Pro-Con for big decisions.

Either move him or leave him - I moved my dad into my front yard in a new mobile home which he was able to pay with his pension. Dad was only 3 miles away from us but even that became a burden. He lived happily in my front yard for 5 years and I no longer had to worry about who was stopping at his house. He lived independently and when he had to do dialysis, I cooked for him because he was tired those 3 nights. It worked out great 👍
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 9, 2019
RayLin,

You sound so thoughtful and reasonable. I can tell how much you cared about your dad and your husband. They were blessed to have you in their lives. I always feel your love when you post a comment.

Just read your profile. You’re a southern lady like me. I’m not too far away. I’m in New Orleans. Hattiesburg isn’t that far of a drive.

My daughter’s friend just graduated from the university in Hattiesburg with her nursing degree. She loved their nursing program.

We are friends with a couple in Lumberton, Mississippi. That’s not too far from Hattiesburg. They have acres of land and love it! They actually moved there years ago when they got tired of city living. I haven’t seen them in years. I have been tied down with caring for mom. They are a sweet couple. I would tease them about the ‘country life’ when we would visit. They grew all sorts of produce, had all kinds of animals! Hahaha. I used to call it their Funny Farm, like the Chevy Chase movie. Love that movie!
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Be with your husband. He is your greatest family relationship priority. Next comes children. Then, parents.

Talk with your dad and his providers about ways to stay connected when your move. I use Skype and Facetime with my children. We use monthly phone calls with my MIL in Hawaii and her caregiver. Also talk with care providers about how they should contact you about critical changes in dad's health.

We're trying to keep a little money set aside in savings for the "last trip to Hawaii" when my MIL passes. You might want to consider something as well for last goodbyes.
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DrBenshir Aug 11, 2019
I call mom daily. I do Facetime with grandchildren who live overseas at least once each week. Don't make the last trip when your MIL is dead. Go see her when she is alive (unless she no longer knows anyone). I flew my kids in when Dad was dying rather than wait for the funeral. It meant the world to him and Mom to see them, talk to them, hear them say "I love you" with a hug. We couldn't afford for them to come back for the funeral but that visit made him happier than you can imagine - he thought he might never see them again.
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You have been four years away from your own husband? I am surprised that your marriage has survived that. I would say that it is time now that your father moves near you in some sort of condo or apartment if he wishes to still be in your care. Are you living with him? Do you wish this one on one care to continue? If so his choice is to move with you or do this alone. Sorry. There are priorities and your own immediate family, your husband, is the priority.
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What2do0 Aug 6, 2019
Sorry miscommunication when giving history, my husband has been at his new job for two years this October. We were planning on putting our house up for sale this summer and then his spouse (my step mom) got ill and passed, now I feel obligated to stay. I miss my husband and being with him daily, only weekends is not enough anymore.
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Your "obligation" is to your Husband.
The Assisted Living facility where your dad is, do they have another close to where you are moving? If so ask if he would like to move as well. Or is there another that he would consider? You could bring him for a visit to your new place and do a tour of a nearby AL.
But..if he is doing well where he is and he does not want to consider a move then tell dad you are going to move. 90 minutes may seem like forever when there is an emergency but to travel once a week or so to visit it is not that far and funny as it sounds it seems the more often you drive it the shorter the distance becomes.
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kdcm1011 Aug 9, 2019
That last sentence is so true! Mom’s final home was a NH 90 minutes away from me. I visited weekly & went the longest but most enjoyable drive. The shorter drive had too much stop & go traffic and was infuriating, whereas the longer drive was (for the most part) smoother & prettier. I used the time for a weekly chat with my brother who lived 600 miles away and singing along at the top of my lungs to music blasting on the radio.
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Go to your husband. Make the best arrangements that you can. Move dad closer to you if possible. this is not selfish.
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Reply to inkandpaper
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DizzyBritches Aug 8, 2019
Yes. I was wondering what your husband’s opinion was. Talk to him. If you’re just doing weekends now, start making them longer. Dad is getting along without you on weekends now - is he alone? Can he safely manage on his own?
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Move. Proceed with the plans you'd already discussed with your father. I appreciate that his life has been turned upside down, but more uncertainty now about what is happening with you is not going to help him - it's just going to be one more thing weighing on his mind, if anything. Your hanging around, missing your husband, unable to get on with your ordinary life, and worst of all beginning to resent it, can't possibly improve matters.

And anyway, wait? Wait for what? For your father to be fine? His life *will* gradually get better, God willing, but it will never be the same again. You'll wait 'til Doomsday for that.

90 minutes is not so far that you will not be able to visit him often and regularly. You also put in place a clear schedule of calls, and research beforehand what services and support groups might be helpful to him.

Should your father's health deteriorate, or should he be unable to recover from his grief (far too early for that) even with appropriate support, then you move *him* closer to you.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Follow your heart. Discuss it with your husband but it sounds like you already know how you feel. You explained that you feel resentment which is understandable, so if you know he is being cared for ask yourself what is the benefit of not moving.

Write down a pros and cons list. Sometimes seeing it in black and white will help you see things more clearly and if the cons outweigh the pros, then push any guilt aside.

Best wishes for you and your family during this difficult time. Hugs!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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RayLinStephens Aug 9, 2019
Very well said! I applaud your comment 👏👏
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How ill is your father and how is he handling the death of his wife? Were you living with him and caring for him full time or just living in the same general area? Is he very dependent upon you?

I understand your wish to put being a wife first. But I’m not sure choosing this time to move over an hour away from your dad right now would be in his best interests. Have you spoken with him about your plans and wishes? I might suggest Assisted Living to him and wait until he is settled to move. But, if he is grieving the loss of his wife, he should be allowed time for this.
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worriedinCali Aug 7, 2019
Of course its not in her dads best interest for OP to move. But what about the OP? What if it’s in her best interest to move and resume being a wife?
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Go to several local AL's. I would look for one that has a step up program, so he can be moved in the same home as his needs change. To me, this is the right thing to do, for him and you both. Good Luck!
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