I’m now 30 and my grandma raised me since I was 1 yr old, we’re extremely close. I’m the only person she feels she can ask for help without being ashamed or feeling like she’s bothering me. My mom lives close by & helps too but she doesn’t have the same bond my grandma& I do. My older sister doesn’t help aside from the occasional ride to church & she even has the audacity to accept gas money from my grandma & ask my grandma for money for other things. (All my Gma has is SS, no savings & is still paying off her CC’s) Also, my mom has fibromyalgia & gets overwhelmed/exhausted & annoyed easily. She doesn’t have the patience I do. My fiancé has been really understanding but it’s been almost 6 months now & I haven’t made the move to be with him like I promised. I drive an 1 hr & 15 mins every weekend to see my grandma & help her around the house. I’m afraid if I leave & move 8 hours away my 87 yr old Grandma’s health& morale will decline. I’m 30, I love my fiancé & want to be with him & start our lives together but I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of GUILT leaving my grandma. She has a brain tumor that grew back & has a hemorrhage inside it. I’ve talked to her about me moving& she gets very emotional & begs me not to go. I love her so much & my biggest fear is that once I’m gone she’ll pass away or get hurt doing things I do for her ( grocery shopping & carrying all the heavy stuff in, picking avocados from the trees in the backyard, spray for insects, take out the heavy trash bins weekly, climb to change lightbulbs, write her checks to pay her bills, etc.). How do you leave someone who’s highlight of their life is seeing you once a week? I’m hoping if I move everyone else will step up but what if that doesn’t happen?

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You have your entire life ahead of you- your grandma does not.

I never like to hear someone like yourself being guilted into halting your life & happiness. No one has a right to do this to you.

Your grandmother, if you really think about it, should be supporting you and your decisions if they are what you want to grow and thrive in life. Keeping you stationary is selfish. If she loved you she would set you free to achieve your life goals.

Pack your bags and move on with your life. You are 30 years old and you’ve done more than your share. As someone said mostly anyone can do the things you do for her.

There’s always Skype for video visits.

You have every right to live your life. If you love your fiancé you will go with him as you originally planned. I’m sure he is supportive but there will come a time that he just won’t wait anymore. Don’t let anything stand in your way if that’s what you want. If not, stay with your grandmother and let your fiancé go and find someone with the same goals.
Helpful Answer (1)

First of all, let me say that you are the sweetest young woman in the world. I loved my grandma too. No one could ever question your love for her. That is a given. Trust me, your grandma knows how much you love her. She must know how much you love your fiancé too. She’s scared and anyone would be scared in her position. I understand that.

I am amazed at how many grandkids are watching their grandparents. I truly am. I don’t know how you do it!

I visited my grandma a lot! I also had a full time job though so my time was limited as is yours. There are only so many hours in a day. Your grandma is going to require more assistance than you can give her.

Some tough decisions will have to be made. Think about this realistically.

Even if a fiancé wasn’t in the picture, could you afford to quit your job? No, you couldn’t.

These are your building years to establish your settling down years. You need roots so you can grow! You have a wonderful young man to share that with. I fell in love when I was young and I can’t imagine risking losing him for anyone, not even for the grandma that I adored.

Have a talk with grandma first. Remind her how much you love her. Tell her that you know that she loves you and depends on you. Tell her that you love your fiancé and he loves you. Tell her that you will help her make a plan for her remaining days. Then go, be happy. Stay in touch with her.

My heart aches for you. I know this is hard for you. In years to come you will see that you made the right choice. Please stay in touch. We are here for you. Hugs for you and hugs for your sweet grandma!
Helpful Answer (2)

All the tasks you are doing for your grandmother can be done my anyone. Grandma can hire help for the chores.

You are 30, it is time for you to be living your life and it is unfair of grandma to try to make you feel guilty.

You can set her up on Skype on a tablet and have a set time each week to chat. She will see you and talk and you will have your visit without chores.

If you still want to 'help', you can order her groceries online. You can get her bills set to online and pay them online for her.
Helpful Answer (4)

The first thing you need to decide is what you want to build your life on - your family, your career, your lover's dreams and his career, or maybe your children. Moving 8 hours away means seeing your family for a couple of days each year, never having any real relationships with the younger generation (your nephews and nieces), your children never having any real relationships with their aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. Staying around "home" and family may mean compromising your career path and making less money while providing your children with a village of relatives to know and be loved by and possibly embroiling yourself in family care giving.

Please understand there is no "wrong" choice here. The only mistake is not being honest with yourself about what you really want and what you are willing to give up to have it.

If you really want a family oriented life and your fiance wants a life based around his career then your happiness with him will be limited and perhaps not sustainable.

If you want to build your life around your or your fiance's career, then staying around for grandmother may be a choice you deeply regret and even fuel a lot of future resentment.

If you decide to follow your fiance, then I suggest the two of you make the commitment and get married. Value yourself enough to demand marriage before you move away from everyone else you love along with your lifetime friends and well loved places. Second, get your grandmother to assign her POAs to you so you can continue to manage her care from a distance. I recommend encouraging her to move into an AL before you leave so you and grandmother can both _know_ she is somewhere safe with any required assistance available.

You have a absolute right to have your own life, the life YOU CHOOSE so please no guilt for not wanting the life someone else wants you to live. I wanted to have a career and still stay around my family and hometown, so for decades I worked out of town during the week and returned home on the weekends. I was willing to get up twice a week at 4:00a to get to the airport or make the drives, often keeping a rental house or apartment at the work location to make it work. You can find the path that works for you too. Just be honest with yourself about what YOU really want.
Helpful Answer (2)
Desiree90 Nov 2019
This has been the most helpful, thank you!
Ditto to perspectives already posted. You are worried she will pass on but at 87 what do you expect is going to happen sooner rather than later? Not that I'm wishing it happens soon. But she's had her whole life to make it her own and not depend on you orbiting around her. Her care needs will only increase and if you stay her caregiving will become the majority of your life. Don't do it.

It was her adult responsibility to not only have a plan but to come to peace with it as well. If she loves you she won't want to anchor you to her at your young age. If she wants to make you her durable PoA there is still much you can do from afar for her but staying to make her declining self happy should not be part of the plan. She may have a fear of NHs because of how she things they are but maybe you can take her to some and show her there are some that are very nice. Also, she'll have a social life in AL, something she won't have isolated in her home. This way others who are qualified will be keeping a responsible eye on her. She's afraid of change. Very understandable and very common but very counterproductive.

Leave and live, and try not to feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Blessings!
Helpful Answer (2)

If the others don't step up, then she can be placed in AL. You are too young to be strapped down by a 87 year old woman. She has lived her life, now, it's time that you start living yours.

Let go of the guilt you have done your part, let someone else take over the reins.

Mt best, enjoy your new life.
Helpful Answer (5)

You can't live your life for her. Either you hire help for her or possibly move her close to where you are moving. If she needs your weekly help around the house then maybe she shouldn't be living alone. I bet she will refuse to move. However you can't keep your life stagnant so hers doesn't have to change.
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