What to do when you are the sandwich generation? Moved dad in after mom died. daughter and SIL moved in (temporarily). Now alliances are being formed........ OK, sure I get grumpy. I went from empty nest to doing "the right thing" and now they seem to be ganging up on me. Daughter is good with dad which I am glad for but after being away for 3 days on business its like all of a sudden he and they are like cooking (for them) and doing all sorts of things and buddy buddy, all of a sudden. I try I really try, I work at least 6 days a week sometimes 2 jobs a day. I work my butt off to put food and everything on the table. It irks me when I get home and it gets thrown in my face and then they come in and play buddy buddy and ignore us.I try to be nice, I cook, I shop, I provide.... I don't ask for the $5,000 I am owed for a car they bought from me that I have not seen a dime for. Not sure what he has been telling them, it is the same reaction I have gotten from the rest of the family who now does not talk to me. I talked with a friend in the similar situation and he experienced the same where dad tells one thing and reality is the other. I don't mid helping but I will be darned if I have to figure out alliances in my own home...It was pretty bad with my wife and I did not want to come home after 3 days away..... to our own home.....We have had discussions about certain things, excessive drinking, not respecting us, ignoring us, getting mad when I correct your dog who just ate my remotes, shoes, peed or chewed on my carpets,etc......... Hey it's our home, you chose to stay with us not the other way around......anyone else experience this? Dad has his own large living room (for one person, 4 share our living room), large bedroom and has to share the hall bath.... yeah, living here is hell.....

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Stop being grumpy and start doing the right thing for you, your wife, and your dad. Make a payment timetable with your daughter and son-in-law on the car purchase and living expenses for sharing your home. If they intend to stay, then determine and write out on paper what is a reasonable amount for them to share your home. That is 2/5ths of food, utilities, cable tv, Internet, property taxes, home and yard maintenance. If they will not pay the amount of car payback and house sharing expense, bring home boxes and tell them to pack their belongings. Do not argue. Immediately disconnect cable TV in their room. Block access to Internet and WIFI. If you are paying any of their other bills, stop. Time for your daughter and son-in-law to grow up. If they do begin paying you for the car and home sharing expenses, save the money for 6 months. Then tell them you will use the money to pay for first, last, and deposit for their own apartment.
Helpful Answer (15)

the situation, as you have described it, sounds like an "ive been painted into a corner" feeling, which means that perhaps you have no options and you may be feeling resentment toward the people who are taking sdvantage of you. i was in a similar situation. a lady that went to my church needed to get away from an abusive boyfriend and she was on disability. In spite of the fact i set very strict boundaries, she broke them all. My "being nice" landed me with four adults and four chldren that were in a space solely dedicated for this single friend from church. the people above who have answered your question have offered a good deal of sound advice. When all else fails, give them a 30 day notice (written - you can get forms or examples for free online or for a few dollars at Staples) and if they are not completely out of your home by that day, go to court and start the process of eviction. yes, eviction. you should know that it takes sometimes 60 days or longer to get someone out of your home. i did it...sent them all packing...and, truly, i dont feel a bit bad about it. ive seen this woman and one of her adult children and the reception was very good in spite of the eviction. the only thing? i waited too long to start the process and ended up having to sell my home bc i couldnt afford the propane bill. that's another long story that you don't need to hear. Eviction, i think, will cost about $125 if they don't oppose. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Give them a written copy of your boundaries /requests/demands and keep ac record of the time, date and person you gave the paper to. oh, keep a copy for yourself. nuff said. you are not in s corner. you can manage this situation! hang in there
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TG, please look at your own thread
My therapist (I know, not something you want to do yourself) once suggested looking at blog or diary entries and replace my name and other family members' names with random names. Then read what occurred as if it happened to someone else. It really highlights how we get sucked into situations that we would NEVER tell someone else to accept. Your difficulty is NOT being sandwich generation. Your difficulty is being part of a dysfunctional family dynamic with you as the enabling person that makes it possible for others to live a lifestyle that they are not earning with money, labor or courtesy. You are not required to pay for your daughter and SIL - if they can't pay for car they bought, I promise you that they are NOT saving for the house. They are waiting for the chunk of money that you and wife are going to give them. Once they move, even with the chunk of down payment, they have to pay for food, shelter, taxes, gasoline, etc. Of course your daughter is siding with her grandpa - the other end of the "sucking the life out of you like a ripe peach" sandwich. To paraphrase an actor from Friends - I wish I could do that, but I don't want to. Maybe you need to figure out why it is that part of you wants to. It took me years, but I finally did and my family relationships and bank account improved.
Helpful Answer (8)

How temporary is daughter and sister-in-law being in your house? Depending on the length of time, you can either grin and bear it, or start a rumor that you and your wife will be downsizing into a much smaller home.

Print out brochures for the 55+ places, doesn't need to be places in your current location, print brochures from Pa and Nevada, too. When daughter and sister-in-law see these print-outs maybe it will get them thinking of moving out on their own. Then that way you and the wife can have Dad all to your self, which sounds more durable.

Start downsizing the contents of your home, too, for real. You will have to do that anyway, might as well start now. Nothing says "serious" than hauling things to Goodwill, even though you don't really plan to move :)
Helpful Answer (7)

Perhaps now is the time to have a sit down family meeting but without Dad. Give everyone a heads up about it. Be careful to give positives as well as negatives of them living with you. Be honest about the toll it is taking on you without complaining or pointing a finger. People will automatically be defensive if you sound like you are attacking them. I know from my own reactions with my mother that children will often revert to being the child no matter how old and "grownup" you are. (My own children thought it was hysterical when I got in a disagreement with my mother some years ago and stamped my foot!) I also know that it is easy to get into the habit of complaining and blaming when you are exhausted and downtrodden. It may be justified but it does not accomplish what you want to accomplish. You know your own family best and may feel they will not be able to be adult enough to hear what you are telling them but it is worth a shot.
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TG, here's the thing. You "mentioned" to the kids about renting rather than buying.

Let that sink in for a minute. I'm sure that when someone "mentions" something to you, you take the hint and act on the hint without further direction. Your daughter is not made that way. Neither is son in law, or your dad. They are made of sterner stuff.

You are going to need to say, "we're putting an expiration date of your staying here; you need to be out by December 1st." Or, you need to say "we're putting an expiration date on your staying here for free; here is the rental agreement. the terms are generous; please let us know by Monday if you are signing and getting this notorized, or if you'll be moving out in two weeks".

It's not a Question or an insinuation. It's a demand.

And the warming up the car inside the garage thing; clearly your daughter was not paying attention to you or to anyone who taught her any science in school.

TG, you are going to have to learn a whole different way of communicating with this particular child of yours AND with your dad. It needs to be direct, short and with a consequence. I think back to when your dad was walking around with the knife blade pointing out and he said "I'm too old to change". I think I would have said "then you're too dangerous to live here".

YOUR behavior is going to have to change before your living circumstances do.
Helpful Answer (7)

Praise their cooking and start collecting the room and board. If they move to subsidized housing, they pay 30% of their gross income for rent and utilities. I had a "homeless" friend move in and when he found out he had to pay, he moved out within two months. Collect the rent the day they get paid or they spend it all. You are too good to them.
As for the car, start charging them $50 a week for it for 100 weeks. You are not running a popularity contest, you are taking charge.
Helpful Answer (6)

I'm curious how you think you're going to be able to keep the rest of this crew out of that sunroom when you don't have the wherewithall to manage your father during a party, or set up a schedule whereby dad, your daughter and son in law participate in cooking for the family. Or contributing to household costs. Or picking up after their dogs. Or adhering to payments for a car. Or stick to an agreed on schedule for getting their own place. Or manage their money so that it lasts till the end of the month.

I don't think what you " expect" is unreasonable. I do think that you must not be articulating your requirements and demands to your housemates in a clear way. Or if you are, not extracting whatever remediation is proper when those demands are not followed.

Why should anyone do anything differently if all that happens is that you blow uo and get quiet?

1 set up a payment schedule for the car. You'll call the repo guy if payments are not timely.

2. Kids must be out January 1. Eviction proceedings will start January 2. It sounds like daughter and SiL have no difficulty using others. I would not continue to enable their codependency.

3. Make dad a budget. No more handouts. Car battery dies? Too bad. No wheels until the next check

4. Set up a cooking schedule. Everyone cooks for the family 2x per week with what is in the larder.

5. Or, put a lock on the fridge. Get dad his own college dorm size fridge which he stocks himself. Cook omly for you and wife.

Set this all up without rancor. If you want to run a boarding house, charge rent so you won't feel so used. If you don't charge rent, stop providing all this free service.
Helpful Answer (6)

So your dad wants cashmere, I want a new sofa bed but that ain't gonna happen either ;)
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The cashmere sweater comments reminded me of a song Janis Joplin sang:

"Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a color TV?"

....and more requests for freebies.
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