Can I reverse POA from my sibling? - AgingCare.com

Can I reverse POA from my sibling?

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My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's & Dementia several years ago. Since then my elder sister has been caring for him and allegedly has gained POA. She has yet to provide such documentation and us siblings question whether she is capable of tending to his needs, or if in fact has official POA? I understand that she has sacrificed a lot over the years, but it was always in my Dad's best interest (and late Mother's) that if any sibling needed "help" that the house would always remain open. Since then she has taken "control" of the household, denied visitation access to other siblings when things were not convenient for her and as turned away Siblings in need. We suspect abuse (unintentinal of course) and neglect for our dad and feel she has no right denying us access to the house, nor feel that she is qualified to provide the care my dad needs during his last years. Recently Hospice care has provided services for my dad, but arguments have escalated between siblings as she continues to manipulate and control household access and visitation. We feel that she is going against my late mother's wishes and my dad (who can't fend for himself), but ultimately all we want is to have a peaceful environment visitations and enjoy my dad's final years. We collectively want to intervene and have my Elder sister's (alleged) POA reversed. Very delicate situation!!!

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POAs can be removed if and only if they fail to live up to responsibilities as outlined in the POA documents, once the grantor of the POA is not competent to change it. If you thought Sis handled Dad roughly, you could have reported it then, and if you have more evidence to support poor caregiving then absolutely go forward with it. Bear in mind that Hospice staff would be mandated reporters of any neglectful or harsh conditions. I hate to be a nay sayer but this whole thing does leave us wondering if Sis has shut you all out in order to shut out your criticism and judgement of her caregiving - rightly or wrongly so would be the question. I know you are hurt and angry and feel you have been unjustly treated, but it is hard to tell and there are other perspectives to consider. Maybe someone from Hospice could at least tell you that they think Dad is being well cared for if you asked privately, stating you were concerned because you weren't able to visit.
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What so many non-caregiver siblings fail to realize is just how hard it is to be a good caregiver. Your sister stepped up to the plate, moved in, and is caring for your father. Have you? Have any of your siblings offered to stay a month or two...or anything more than a weekend? If your claim that she is not allowing you visitation is true, then what have you done about it? So many siblings at this point in their parents life want to claim mom said this and dad wants that...well, that was then and this is now. Your parents are no longer capable of helping "family" who need to run home until they get on their feet again. That is...living off their elderly family members. Your siblings and you are all grown adults and should be living your life on your own not at your parents...unless you are living in to provide caregiving. AND that person is NOT living off your dad...in fact...if you look at it this way...she is SAVING you money by keeping him at home. She is also making it possible for him to be surrounded by familiarity which is necessary for Alzheimer's patients. She is also giving you an inheritance by him NOT going into a home. Because should he go into a home, HIS home, all finance and property would be used for his stay in a memory care unit. Costs for that type of service runs from 6K, up...per month and most places do not accept medicare/medicaid, or social security. They require first and last month in cash and cash each month for care. THEN on top of that, should your father die in a nursing home, you will have nothing but your father's debts. And you are all responsible for his debts, not just the caregiving sister. If I were you, I would make every effort to allow her a week or time off on a continual basis because it is only going to get harder to keep your dad at home. If all of you work together to ensure respite care for her it will work to your betterment. Quit thinking she is stealing or abusing your dad and get in there and help. You probably won't give the level of service to your dad as your sister, but you can do something and stop fighting. You dad does NOT deserve his last bit of life on earth to be in the middle of squabbling grown children. Keep everything around him light and airy in conversation and tone. He can certainly pick up on the disagreements and fighting, so step up and do the right thing and be better than you think you are...go the extra mile to be pleasant for him so he can die in peace.
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I completely agree with all the comments. Focus should be on your Father and assisting the sibling with 24/7 care responsibility. If you have any concerns about Father's treatment, you or Hospice should contact local Social Services for evaluation. I am very surprised Hospice did not do this if they felt even unintentional mistreatment was evident. Your parents' home is not a public building open 24/7. I feel that shows a great deal of disrespect to your parents and the caregiver.

I would suggest contacting a Home Health Care Provider for an evaluation of your Father. They can provide a social worker who will mediate a meeting between the siblings. Your Father's doctor should have contact information or even Hospice could provide these services.
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If you have been offering to provide respite care, to relieve POA sister for weekends and vacations, and she has turned you down, then I apologize. There are SO MANY families where the non-caregiver sibs only show up near the end, wanting to know what is in the will. It is easy to jump to conclusions.

You have witnessed your sister being aggressive with your father. Apparently you have not been kept from visiting then, right? You've been there and seen that. What did you do about it? Did you offer suggestions? You know what Hospice Care has said, so, again, that doesn't sound like you are prohibited from visiting. How has Sis reacted to what Hospice said? Is she now being more careful? You've said twice that you don't think she is intentionally hurting him. Do you think she is incapable of learning how to it better?

Dad has had dementia for three years. You don't think Sis is qualified to care for someone with dementia. Why is that just coming up now?

Let us say that you take legal steps to be in charge of Dad's care. You have a court appoint you as guardian. What would you do? Who would do the day-to-day caregiving? How would life for Dad improve?

You think you have a right to know what is in the will, is that correct? (I don't know about the "rights" in this matter. I don't think anyone has a legal right to see a will, but I'm sure not a lawyer.) But let's say you do get to see it, and, as you suspect, Sis gets what you consider an unfair inheritance. What will you do? Father is no longer competent to change it. Does it really matter if you start fighting over it before or after he dies? If you decide to contest it, that can come after the will is read, can't it?

It seems to me that in order to have "peaceful" visitations with your father, it might be most effective to work with Sis, trying to accomodate her schedule requirements (even if they don't seem fair to you), continuing to offer to help, stating your appreciation of what she has done for Dad, and trying to rebuild a more harmonious relationship, without any reference to the estate. Fight about the estate later, if you need to. Now, focus on getting peaceful access to visit your dying father.
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I appreciate your input, but I have to interject. This particular situation DOES NOT apply to your comments above and is not a situation of "common" interest! - When I say "several years" I meant giving my dad care during the years when he was "competent" directly after our mother's passing. (IE: cooking, cleaning ect.) up until three years ago when dementia/Alzheimer's kicked in. These services were offered from her since she had no other place to live at the time. Many other siblings (who had full time jobs or their own responsibilities) visited my dad on a regular basis to help bath, feed and accompany him. During his competent years my sister had manipulated my dad into signing POA over to her and change the will/estate in her favor. None of us had any knowledge of this up until his current state when she started denying visitation and we demanded answers. Our house was always open for anyone who needed some help (including her at the time) and these were stipulated by BOTH my parent's wishes. A "swinging door" for a sibling in need was not the situation, but should be honored as per their wishes. As far as Abuse -- (unintentional I add) I have witnessed her first hand handling my allaying dad. She's very aggressive with him and he moans when she comes into contact with him. In my opinion she is not qualified to handle care for someone in his condition. Hospice Care has witnessed her interaction with my dad and told her that she needs to be more careful. So this has NOT been a situation of "single caregiving" and neglect on our part, but more willing to help and being shut out. Other siblings have offered to assist, but she refuses, thus denying visitation. I think we all have a right to know what to expect after my dad's passing with no surprises, although she insist that she can't find documentation.
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Very well said, this is more common than not. The one that has been there 24/7 knows best most the time. Those that show up by guilt or in need should have been helping and spending their time giving their sister time away even if it was her choice to be the primary caregiver. Once our parents get old and health begins to fade it would seem it is time the adult children and grandchildren look elsewhere for monitary support.
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If your dad has dementia and "can't fend for himself" then, no, I don't think you can have the POA reversed. Only your dad can assign that. If he did so when he was still legally competent, fine, but if he is no longer legally competent then he cannot change it.

One sister has been doing all the caregiving for "several years." Is that correct? And you think that in addition to caring for a person with dementia and who is now apparently dying (hence, hospice) that she should also be running an open house for anyone who wants to drop by at any time, and should be playing hostess to any sibling "in need" of living in the house -- is that correct?

You've been content to let her make the scrifices and shoulder the complete burden for several years, and now suddenly you suspect her of abuse and neglect? Where did that come from? Do you have some evidence? An outside agency is now involved. Do you think that they might notice if Dad is being abused and neglected?

How often have any of you offered to spend a weekend with Dad so that POA Sis could get away? How many vacations have you provided for her? How much respite care has been provided courtesy of her siblings? How many appointments have any of you taken Dad to? Or is POA Sis just supposed to be available to help sibblings in need, and never get any help herself?

Forgive me if this does not apply in your situation, but I am heartily sick of stories where a parent has been cared for single-handedly by only one sibling, and then toward the end the others rush in full of criticism and trying to take over.
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