I am wondering how others have coped in my scenario and would love some advice.
My mom has Alzheimer’s and has been in a secure dementia unit for 18 months. She is well cared for, the staff are fantastic and I have no concerns there.
I previously visited her 3 times a week with my newborn but as my son has gotten older it’s become more problematic- I didn’t visit at all when he was crawling but did see her 1-3 times a week on day visits to my dad's house. Now he is walking all I can manage is 1 afternoon a week at the rest home as the visits are so stressful- my mom doesn’t know who I am, has little interest in my son other than getting him off me, and has shown aggressive tendencies towards him in the past. The staff advise me over and over not to let her hold him (I don’t). I spend my visit monitoring them both.
I would like to visit without him but for various reasons this isn’t possible right now. She isn’t able to have visitors in the evening. She has very limited communication so phone calls are not possible.
My dad is unable to see that it’s hard and pushes me to see her more often, for longer, and for a bond to be created between grandmother and grandson. I have recently drawn a line and he has stopped speaking to me -calling me selfish for doing so.
My mom has visitors 5 days a week at least so is far from neglected. I feel guilty it two directions- that I am not doing enough for my mom and that I am not doing enough for my son.
Has anyone been in this situation? How did you get through it?
Thanks for reading to the end
I agree also, your 1st responsiblity is to your son. It is practically impossible to control a toddler anyway. I hope your visits are short.
Speaking of short visits, could you pop in for 5-10 minutes twice a week, instead of an hour long (or extended) visit once a week?
That might satisfy your dad's request to see your mom more often but lighten your load with the little one.
I used to keep toys in the trunk of the car that were only brought out when we went out to dinner. They were like new toys to our son and made for some calm dinners out. Maybe you could try this when you visit your mom. Also, possibly a walker so you can restrain him and use the tray in front to play with the "new toys". A favorite snack would be a treat to keep him calm for a good minute and a half too. LOL!
I sympathize with you honey. It must be very hard with a little one to not have your mom mentally well to be able to share in his life. You must do what is best for you and your son. God bless your mom, she won't remember anyway. Do what works for your son.
prevents her from reacting to that child in the typical way that a grandma would and should.
How much does your guilt come from his grief for what could have been, but now, in her condition, cannot be?
I go to my LO’s AL about once a week with my my grandson, who at 2 1/2 uses a wheelchair, but is outgoing and enjoys “visiting” the residents and employees there.
My LO, his great-grand Aunt, loves him and enjoys the visits. We usually stay from 15-20 minutes, and he can safely roll around in his wheelchair and amuse himself, under our watchful supervision.
My guilt comes from the fact that I would have loved to have taken care of them both at home, but had to admit that I could never manage it. Everybody who loves someone with dementia has guilt about something.
You are doing what you should be doing. Your father is acting the way he does from his grief. Does he ever see your son at the residence? Perhaps if he saw your mom’s reactions to her grandson, it would help clarify the problems of which you are already aware.
He cannot/ refuses see the potential issues I see which led to me setting a boundary he reacted badly to and now ignoring me (and his grandchild).
You have given me a lot to think about- thank you
As for nursing home visits, I feel kind of the same way about that. Let kids see and learn without experiencing any trauma but if the person they are visiting is not in their right mind and could adversely affect the child in a psychological way then perhaps maybe you need to reconsider.
I took my 3 yr old GS to visit. At that time Mom was able to enjoy him. A male resident played ball with them. The other residents enjoyed him. But seems that doesn't happen with you. Your visit is stressful. Mom doesn't know you or who your son is, then I don't see how visiting her is good for anyone. She has no idea you have been there. I can see where you feel you need to visit for you but its not even possible. I guess nighttime is bad because of sundowning. Not a good time for her, Dinner then getting them ready for the evening in their rooms then going to bed.
I agree, if you feel you must bring baby, don’t give him free range of the area, toys notwithstanding. Keep the visits to a few minutes. Closely monitor Grandma’s. mood.
Is there any possibility of having some sort of play corral for him that you could set up to separate him and your Mom? I know managing that would be a huge hassle, but maybe it would allow a visit every couple weeks for a limited time and that might help your Dad feel better.
Or is there a friend or family member who could visit with you, and you two could take turns with your son, even keeping him in a separate area most of the time.
‘Let him be mad’ may be my new mantra.