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My dad who has dementia lived with me for 7 months was very demanding and wanted 24 hour a day attention. He treated me as if I were 12 years old. For some reason he collapsed in July and ended up in hospital. Thus began the journey of 2 hospital stays and 2 rehab facilities in a course of 5 months. In the rehab facilities he was hallucinating and seeing “things”. He wouldn’t eat and the dr told me to enjoy my last days with him. The doctor said he needed constant supervision and needed to be placed in a memory care unit. I made the decision to place him in a memory care unit because of his problems and especially with the hallucinating and not knowing who we were. We found a memory care facility for him and he’s been there for a month. He’s made a turn around in eating and remembering more things but is still confused about other things. He is taking therapy at the memory care unit for his legs and told me that he wants more exercise to get stronger because he wants to get out of there. He doesn’t even realize he’s in a memory care unit. The facility is very very good and taking care of him. He now has a problem that he has diarrhea all the time and has to be taken care of constantly. He also needs supervision because he uses a walker and his balance is bad. I feel bad because he keeps saying he wants out of the facility and wants to come home. I have a bad back and my husband had three back surgeries and I don’t think I can take care of my father physically. I just feel guilty when he says he wants to come home and to have it like it was before he went to the hospital. This weighs heavily on me. The other side of me says he is doing better because he’s in the schedule routine and he’s receiving his medications at the same time every day and eating at the same time every day. I had a hard time when he was here before and couldn’t schedule things because there was constant interference in what I was doing my trying to take care of my dad.

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I had to take my dad’s glasses to optician today to straighten out his glasses. I took the, for 40 minutes and when I came back in his room with his glasses he wanted to know what I was doing there. He didn’t know he didn’t have glasses on. He’s supposed to use a walker but he got up without it. Watching him stand without walker he leans way back as he always has.
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Reply to ebgranny
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I went through the same thing as did many of us when faced with this situation. The last thing my mother used to say to me before I left to drive 4 hrs home was: “And I thought this would be the time you were going to take me out of here”...I cried the entire drive home and then some.
You have to develop an armor against statements like my mom’s. My mantra was “safety first, safety first” & “safety first”. Lol but not funny. It kept me sane.
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Reply to Shane1124
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One way that people have used is ‘the doctor says not until you can ...’. In your case, get over the diarrhoea, walk x many paces unaided, stand up from a chair unaided etc. It takes the blame off you, and also provides an incentive that is in his own best interests anyway. You know that the chances of reaching all the goals are virtually nil, but you can provide encouragement rather than just blocking what he wants. It might make it better for both of you.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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ebgranny Dec 3, 2018
Thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate your input and tips on dealing with this. My husband says it takes a small army to take care of him and dad doesn’t realize that. I know I couldn’t even reasonably take care of him at home
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My father has been in the NH for over two years now and has adjusted to his surroundings BUT is still very angry that he is there . The blame is directly at me, his only daughter. Never mind that he has repeatedly told staff (and myself) he wanted to stay but in the next breathe, will say he wants to leave. I believe he is living longer that he is there but at the cost of my relationship with him. He too, has a diarrhea problem and they put him on fiber pills (which he rarely takes). The guilt that he couldn't come home is tremendous but if he did come home, we would of been in the same situation of him falling, him refusing to take medications or going to doctors appointments, etc and it would of just a matter of time he would of been back there. My father has lots of time to think of how things were and wants those days back.
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Reply to Lorraine11
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ebgranny Dec 3, 2018
Thank you for sharing your insight with me. I’m an only child and the care of my father is all on me. My dad sounds like your dad. It’s hard to handle sometimes.
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You are correct Dad is doing better because he has a regular routine, aides that can physically take care of him, medication and meals on schedule. He may ask to come home for a long time, but you know that his home is now in the Memory Care Unit.

You know it is best for him and you that he stay where he is. He is getting a level of care you cannot provide at home.

Please do not feel guilty, you have not created this situation his declining health is the reason. There is no going back to how it was.

A month is not a long time for him to adjust to his new surroundings. Have you asked the staff for suggestions on how best to manage the transition?
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Reply to Tothill
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ebgranny Dec 3, 2018
Thank you for your thoughts and reasoning on the situation. When he lived with me it was very stressful because I couldn’t do everything he wanted. He would only eat certain foods so I was cooking for him and then doing another meal for my family. He always had things for me to do or places to take him. He’s receiving better care than I could give him at home. I have fibromyalgia and diabetes. My sugar was skyrocketing from stress.
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