How do I not resent the fact that I moved my mother in with me? -

How do I not resent the fact that I moved my mother in with me?


It's been a year since I moved my mother and brother in with me. My mother was diagnosed with Dementia and so I moved her (she's 68 ) and my older brother from South Carolina to help her while I work full time. Well, in July my brother found a job and moved out, I'm so glad for him. He agreed to help by watching mom one day a week so we cut costs for caregiver. He's been slacking in that. My two other siblings live in other states. My mom is so negative EVERY day. She has never been the most positive of people, so I stayed away a lot when I finished school and so did my siblings. Now it is just her and I EVERY DAY 7 days a week. I go to work now just to get away from her. It's like I can't do anything right. She has to always be right, so now I just let her talk, but she says the most disrespectful things. She's never satisfied with the care you give. I'm up early to make her lunch and dinner because I get home late and she needs to take her meds. She won't let the caregiver fix her food. She's had this caregiver since Nov. I have sleep apnea and mom doesn't sleep through the night. She comes in my room to wake me up. She has nightmare, hallucinations, it's beginning to wear me down. I tell my siblings that we need to talk about putting her in assisted living with memory care, but we don't have the financial means and my mother doesn't. They barely send me money to help with her. I'm just feel trapped. I've been at this a year and now I'm plus 35 lbs, pre-diabetic, high cholesterol because I'm stressed! I can't let my health continue to get worse while keeping her together and no one in my family seems to understand. What do I do? I'm 41 and feel like I'm 50!

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Thanks pamstegma and JessieBelle. I did apply for medicaid and she is on a one-year waiting list for financial assistance. They do pay for her premium for social security. All of her social security pays the caregiver and health insurance. She is short 2 weeks a month for caregiving so i subsidized that. I cant keep doing it. So i try to be creative with the hours by having her come later in the morning, but im late for work. Taking leave throughout. Yes, my mom wants to boss everything and everyone. Some days she can make her meals and others's hit or miss. Yes, my home use to be peaceful, i used to get rest at night...I'm working on handling my emotions so I'm not stressed. I love my mom, just dont like this is making loving her harder each day.
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What stage is your mother in? I ask this because I wondered if she would qualify for placement in a nursing facility, where you might be able to get help from Medicaid. If she cannot qualify yet you'll have to find some way to make it more bearable for yourself. I understand not being able to afford memory care AL. It cost so much in this country.

Something that you might want to consider for her is a residential facility if there is one in your area. I've heard these can be more reasonable than the corporate facilities. Perhaps you can talk to A Place for Mom and see if they might have any ideas on what she can afford. Many older people are in the same economic position as your mother, so they may have some ideas.

Your mother sounds like a bit of a boss lady. I wondered if she is unable to prepare her own lunch under the watchful eye of her caregiver. My mother has vascular dementia, but still makes her own breakfast and lunch. The only thing I have to make is dinner, which makes things more bearable.

About the disrespect -- If your mother is anything like mine, the more I protest to the disrespect, the worse it becomes. I find the only thing that works is to ignore it the best I can. It really doesn't matter anyway as long as it doesn't require me to do extra work. I do have to admit that it makes home a stressful place to be. I look forward to the day when I can be content in my own home again. I know you feel the same way.
Helpful Answer (1)

You could send mom for a 72 hour inpatient psychiatric exam and let them determine her level of placement. It's easier to get her into a memory care place after a three day hospital stay. Get ready to work on a Medicaid application for her.
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