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I'm not even sure if I asked this question already but I am so drained and hurt by my mother's accusations towards me. She is saying she is going to tell her doctor that I abuse her and in reality it's always been the other way around mom never liked her kids. I was the one to get the brunt of it she would pull my hair as a child and drag me across the floor saying how much she wished I was dead and I was 4 or 5 at the time. You see she has always been this way. She plays the victim roll very well and is trying to get me into trouble no one and I mean no one in the family will help out with her she is a big ball of negativity! I myself suffer from depression, anxiety and physical just lower back that is and could only do so much . How do I protect myself from her manipulating doctors? Well not all doctors fall for it but my mom is determined to be a victim but yet get her home and she is her true self !!

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The others say they have a life. What, and you don't? That's all right with you, is it? And that's truly the choice that has to be made? - either you can have a life, or you can see your mother is cared for, but not both no way.

It's a false belief and it's holding you to ransom. People who are frail, ill or very elderly and don't have children don't die any quicker, and aren't more vulnerable to neglect or exploitation. That is to say, it is perfectly possible for your mother to receive good care, just not provided by you.

Take yourself out of the picture, pretend you don't exist and never did. What becomes of your mother?

What becomes of her is that the people responsible for her - her doctor, her local social services - make appropriate arrangements. And she's fine. And nobody gets sacrificed.

Supposing that happens, and you then put yourself back in the picture. You live your life, plus you get to develop a different relationship with your mother that might even involve her being a sweet little old lady to you too.

You don't have to make yourself disappear. You can make a start by initiating conversations with her doctor, with Medicaid if your mother would qualify, with social workers, with whoever can help you get her placed or get her professional help at home. Your mother has serious chronic illnesses - her "selective memory" might be only selective, but I doubt it, she's ill enough not to need to fake anything - and is getting to the point where she's at risk because her needs have overtaken your ability to ensure her wellbeing. Get yourself some allies!
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She's not manipulating doctors, she's manipulating you. Moreover, she does not want to get you into trouble - not real trouble - because you are her life support system; and don't imagine for one moment that she doesn't want to keep you just where you are. She wants to make you afraid of "being in trouble". Just as you used to be. You must remember the dread you felt if you thought you'd "made" her angry? I doubt if you did anything that "made" her anything. I hate to think of how afraid you must have been.

Is there really no alternative to your being your mother's hands-on caregiver? I'm sure we must have asked you to go through this point before, but remind me what the reasoning is.
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Fedup73,

I would wash my hands of this nasty woman. You owe her nothing after the way she has been treating you all of your life. Make detailed notes of her abuses and threats twoard you now and going back to your childhood. She sounds as though she has narcissistic personality disorder--she's victimizing and using you while claiming to be the victim and she lacks an ethical core and empathy. You owe her nothing.
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Fedup73 -- Listen to Countrymouse. Reread everything she wrote, and act on it.
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Countrymouse,
What do yo mean to ask what she's doing on this site? Her mother traumatized her and that stays with you and you keep thinking about it and trying to work it out in your head even if you can no longer interact with the parent.
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If you MUST be in the house with her for financial reasons, sit down with her and write up a formal list of responsibilities, rules and boundaries. Together. Use the Golden Rule as your guide. Do unto others... Have a third person present,; someone she trusts.

When confronted in this formal way, and when things are spelled out, most bullies back down. Of course, this rests on the assumption that she is not yet demented. If she is, then get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good luck!
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If given your situation and someone was falsely accusing me and threatening me, this is the type of case I would just wash my hands of and walk away from. I would just tell this person you're done and will no longer be taking care of them if that's how they feel. I would then make a call to the APS and even give the cops a heads up along with the person's doctor. Try to make a video recording of the encounters, record as many as possible as evidence then turn them in as evidence. Don't surrender your device, just the evidence on it but keep a copy on another device just in case your device is confiscated. Don't let no one take your device though, just don't hand over it over, but definitely let someone see the videos. You'll actually be doing yourself a big favor by talking to the proper authorities I had of time before the patient has a chance to get you in trouble. If you do get in legal trouble and you're innocent, contact your state innocence project, but only if you know for a fact you're innocent and can prove it. Finally, you mention this person used to abuse you during childhood. In this particular type of case, you're not obligated to take care of your abuser. In fact, you shouldn't be there right now because it sounds like she may be abusing you all over again but in a different way. Dragging someone across the floor by the hair, especially children is enough to get any conscientious person angry enough to attack the abuser doing this to an innocent child! Anyone with common sense doesn't do this kind of thing to anyone, let alone children. Apparently this person has no common sense, and it's also been said that common sense is like deodorant. People who most need it don't use it and it sounds like the person in this particular case needs to be under some form of authority who stands up to her without backing down. Someone needs to really put the screws to her by setting boundaries and setting serious consequences for not honoring those boundaries. I'm speaking as an abuse survivor myself  and I'm one of those kinds of people who won't put up with crap from no one and neither should you. If you don't learn how to stand up for yourself others will walk all over you like it sounds like what's happening now. I must say as an abuse survivor myself but I don't know why you decided to put yourself in danger by choosing to be around this person. You knew this person was dangerous, so why are you still hanging around her? You know she's trouble, you said it in your own words from your description. This person is trouble and you really need to get away from her by heading to the nearest door and just leaving. You don't have to put yourself in danger, there are people out there who will appreciate your efforts if you really want to help someone else who really needs it. You don't have to stick around and put up with this crap you're describing if you survived abuse. I don't know why you're going around her if she hates you and has admitted to it. I personally would never go where I'm not welcome, which is why it was for the better I wasn't there as my parents aged. If someone in my family hates me, I'm not taking care of them when they need care. I'm one of those kinds of people who won't knowingly step into a situation knowing the person who hates me never made it right, and your description is exactly why I would never care for someone I knew hated me because you're just asking for trouble. Yes, I said you're asking for trouble in this type of case you're describing because you're going where you're not loved, wanted or appreciated. These are the kinds of people you should actually be avoiding, not running too. You really need to take care of yourself, start by getting out of there and staying away from this person for your own sanity. Let the cards fall where they will and let whatever happens happen. If you know where her doctor is and who the doctor is, I would write a letter to the doctor and make sure that particular doctor gets it but make sure you mention the patient's name, date of birth, and any other identifying info so the letter goes in the right person's file. Once you alert the APS, other proper authorities and her doctor, then tell everyone you're walking away and not looking back. Tell them this patient is their problem now because you're not going back to continue caring for this person knowing they're abusing you. One final thought I should get out in the open is if she hated you kids so much she abused you, she should've kept her pants on and her legs shut. She should've never had kids if she didn't want them. There are just those kinds of people out there who should never be parents. Next time she says anything about hating you, just look her in the face and ask her why then did she let you go when you were little. If she hated you kids that much, why didn't she open the door and let you all go if she didn't want you all. I asked my abusive mom that same question. I may have been attacked for the question, but it was well worth the asking. If she didn't want me, why didn't she let me go? This is the same question you should be asking her right now, even if she lashes out at you. 

To the parents out there who hate their kids: 
if you hate your kids that much, what are you doing with them? Just open the door and let them go to a better home and start a new life. Just drop them off with the CPS, they'll take your kids off your hands. For those with unwanted newborn babies, just drop them off at the fire department or the nearest hospital and give them a chance at a new life but don't abuse them. If you really don't want your kids, don't keep them only to abuse them, let them go and give them the opportunity to start a new life with someone else who will love them. Don't put them through what this poor innocent survivor had to go through during their childhood. Child abuse leaves permanent scars. 

Back to the OP:

You now need to get out of there and start taking care of yourself. You really need to go find a good Christian counselor or even a pastor who can help you through this time of transition away from your abuser. You've been deeply scarred by the abuser, don't put yourself in the position of opening up old wounds that are trying to heal. Keeping yourself around to be abused is only hurting you, this person is definitely very toxic and is definitely destroying you. There are also some particular cases that downright anger me, but I think this is one of those cases where I wish I could lash out at the abuser because I myself was also dragged by the hair. My mom would let my hair grow out only to rip it out or drag me by it if she could. It makes me wonder if you may have been the product of a rape, rape survivors who keep their kids often end up using their kids. That's because every time the rape survivor season that child, they are a clear and constant reminder of the rape, especially if the incident happened when the rape victim was too young and not ready for kids. Hindsight is a very good teacher and sometimes I wonder if my parents were actually too young to have kids which is possibly why us kids were abused. Another thing to consider is the possibility that maybe your mom may have also been abused growing up, and she was passing that abuse on to you kids. Though not true in every case, abuse survivors very often abuse their own kids but again, not in every case. Abuse tends to affect people differently, specifically if those survivors were ever raped. Rape can affect  victims in one of two ways, they either want to much sex or none at all. Yes, it's one of the two extremes because sex abuse is more widespread than people may realize. I'll just about bet you your mom was just not ready for kids, or maybe she may have not wanted any at all because maybe she had other life plans before ever is considering kids. Maybe because something happened and kids came along and disrupted her life plans may have had at least something to do with why you all were abused, most likely because her life plans were sabotaged by having kids, especially if there happened to be a high-paying career involved. There is definitely some form of resentment going on in this person's heart but I don't know that she'll ever resolve it. What I can promise you is at the end of her life she'll reach the place of deep regret. I know this for a fact because I recently got a feeling about my bio dad that never would have hit me like a freight train unless it was God leading me in on the secret in the middle of the night. I don't know if dad expressed his deep hurt and anger, but somethings went on at the end of his life and he was very emotionally disturbed. It was God who revealed this little secret to me since I couldn't be there before he died. When his life was about over, it was God who revealed to me that dad was so mentally anguished knowing he never see me again and he felt regret for what happened to me growing up and he never did a thing to stop it.  Right at the end of his life he realized he would never see me again and he would never see his grandkids out of me and I'm the only one who could give him grandkids. That's because I'm the only one left. No, I couldn't be there, but it was God who let me in on the very last part of my dad's life and his  very intense agonizing feelings. I just don't know whether or not he ever expressed them but he was definitely fighting against someone taking advantage of him toward the end. It was God who revealed this to me. God saw it all and was able to tell me. Yes, it was revealed by God that my dad was even in tears toward the end and when God reveals things, you never forget it because it sticks with you the rest of your life. Some time all of the users must come to the point of regret, even if it's on their deathbed. That's because they know they did wrong and they'll have to answer for it. 

One day even your own abuser will come to the end of her own life. This is why walking away now will help more than you realize because it plants that seed of sending a very strong message without necessarily having to say a word. Walking away now will one day manifest into her eventually realizing what she lost and why. Eventually she'll realize she was in the wrong. I wasn't there when my dad died, I wasn't there since I left many years ago and I haven't communicated with either of my parents. Both of them died without ever making things right with me personally. Even you as an abuse survivor will eventually come to that place of knowing  something even if you can't be there. When God reveals to you something about your abuser, you won't feel a bit guilty for leaving because it wasn't your fault you had to leave, it was the abusers fault. Therefore, the problem is on the abuser, not your problem. Just know that everything is on heavens candid camera being recorded as we speak, so live in peace by just getting yourself out of there and living a life of freedom. I would hate to see you waste your life or even another moment in this predicament because if you do you'll one day regret you didn't break free when you had the chance. Don't waste another moment of your life with this abuser who is only destroying you
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Someone on here or mentioned that it sounds like the abuser has narcissistic traits and that person is right. If it sounds like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck. Take this as a hint. If someone seems to have narcissistic or selfish traits, they are exactly what they're displaying. To the untrained person this may be hard to spot and recognize without the help of someone who's been victimized and came out on the other side 
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My mother is Narssistic too she was abusive to me while growing up pulling my hair and telling me "I could just kill you" you never forget it ever. Now she is 80 with dementia. I will have nothing to do with her. I'll not give up my job and life to help her. No way.
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This advise might be too late for FedUp 73, but it might help others reading this site...

Caring for elders is tricky. Not only do you have to deal with their health problems and (depending on what's going on) their erratic behavior. You also have to deal with relatives who might care more about themselves than doing the right thing by their elders. We live in a society that values narcissistic behavior. It is socially acceptable to behave in ways consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This means, NO MATTER WHAT, you have to protect yourself. The first thing to do is to Keep Good Records. In Elder Care, that means keeping both good financial and care records. If you are handling the elder's money, you definitely need to record Every (and I mean Every) expenditure. A single entry ledger works fine for this. Your entries would look like: date,merchant,reason and amount. At the end of the month, add it up. Keep All receipts. Use prudence when you spend the elder's money. Some siblings would question you spending money on trips for the elder. However, if the excursions are to reasonable places, places that the elder likes and are affordable, that's fine. If you are providing care for the elder while the elder travels, it's OK for the elder to pay your way. Siblings who question these sort of expenses are clearly out for the money. (Some people would question casino trips. If this is an activity the elder has enjoyed and you set a prudent gambling budget, that's OK. If you, as the caregiver, choose to gamble, it's with your own money.) Another thing you will want to do is keep a Log Book, documenting your elder care activities. Keep a log book similar to that a businessman must keep, to track business related expenses. You would want to write down: date/time leaving your house, start odometer, date/time returned to your house, ending odometer reading (yes, you want to track mileage), reason for the visit / tasks done, expenses incurred. You will also want to use this log book to note changes / concerns you have about the elder you're caring for. Again, save receipts.

Should there be any question about how you've cared for your elder, or what you've spent the elder's money on, your records will help protect you. When you have to interact with professional caregivers, the fact you have good records and are writing down what you are seeing going on, can mean the difference between problems being ignored and problems being dealt with. Some elders are very good at concealing that they are having memory problems. Many elders who are personality disordered are good at playing 'as if'--they don't act abusive when they're in public or at the doctor's, but they ride a broomstick when at home. My mother is this way. She's a perfectly nice little old lady, but she's an emotionally abusive, highly manipulative, lying witch behind closed doors who is an expert at pushing buttons.

I did consult various professionals regarding elder care in the situation where the elder is emotionally abusive and where there is a history of the elder being abusive towards you. All experts I consulted have told me that, in no circumstances, should you provide personal, hands-on care to a relative that has a long history of being abusive towards you. You are far better off leaving this to professionals. Your responsibility is to see that the elder is safe and in an appropriate living situation. Care Coordinators are not cheap, but when you are dealing with an abusive elder or have personality disordered relatives who have 'interest' in the elder. You want a care coordinator who is either a geriatric social worker or an advanced practitioner nurse with experience in geriatrics and mental health. A good care coordinator is used to (and trained) to deal with difficult elders and dysfunctional families / personality disordered relatives. Many times, these people will believe the opinions of the care coordinator over you. The care coordinator's job is to see that the elder get the appropriate care that he or she needs and see to it that it is quality care. Sometimes, caregivers don't realize that the elder needs more specialized care or more time consuming care, care beyond what's reasonable for a family caregiver to provide. In evaluating a case, the care coordinator will look for this sort of problem. Should the elder be entering assisted living or a nursing home, the care coordinator can see that the elder is getting the right level of care, that the facility isn't trying to get the family to pay for more care than the elder needs or isn't providing less care than is contracted for.
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