Passive-agressive elderly mother who is never wrong, stubborn, etc. Any tips to keep sane?

Read this article, for starters:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Then put the thought out of your mind that mother is a "truly wonderful person".

Truly wonderful people aren't abusive, passive-aggressive or emotionally void. They are present and available for their children all the time so they don't acquire eating disorders or lifelong therapy to cope or to come to terms with how they've been treated.

Why is it "not her fault" that she can't handle your emotions? What is a parent for if not to help and guide their children thru life? Your mother chose not to deal with her issues making her "I can't help it" statements pure nonsense. My mother uttered those words constantly and truth is, she COULD have helped ALL of her dysfunctional behavior by asking for help. That her EGO prevented such a thing became MY problem, and dad's problem too.

Stop looking for mother to BE a mother now and realize it'll never be that warm fuzzy mom-daughter relationship you want it to be. She's incapable of it, and unwilling to change. Keep her at arms length or further, and limit contact with her, like I did with my mother. Toxic people's fumes reach out and draw us in from all sides. The ONLY way to avoid such noxious fumes is to avoid the person emanating them. Doesn't mean you don't "love" her, just that protecting yourself is more important now. You deserve to.

Once I acknowledged my mother's limitations/shortcomings and quit having expectations of her, things got a bit easier for me. I stopped jumping thru hoops to please her or make her happy. I focused on MYSELF instead and that was nice. I suggest you do the same and stop trying to get blood from a stone. It'll never happen.

Good luck.

"She constantly tells me what to do and any attempt to stop that behavior is met with her getting mad. She truly is a wonderful person but was/is unavailable emotionally."

Let's start here.

She TELLS you that she is a wonderful person, or others tell you that she is. She ISN'T a wonderful mother to you. Accept that as a given. Stop lying to yourself.

She TELLS you what to do? Are you an adult? Yes. Does she expect a response to those "orders"?

1. I can't possibly do that.
2. I don't want to do that.
3. I hear that you want me to do X. I'll think about it.
4. No.

Those are all reasonable responses for an ADULT to make to another adult. Practice them.

You won't stop her from continuing to order you about. But you CAN simply not do the things she wants.

If she gets mad, so what?

First of all, your mother is not a wonderful people if she treats you like you're saying. She's a narcissistic bully and a senior brat. If she doesn't have dementia she most certainly can "help it". Her behavior is 100% within her control if she does not have some neurological or psychiatric illness.

Your bulimia is very likely caused by your mother's behavior and a lifetime of her conditioning of you. I have struggled with food addiction, bulimia, and anorexia. It's cause was the conditioning and bullying that was my parents and family.

What your mom needs is the same thing mine got. Some tough love. Damn tough.

She is the one who is going to learn how to apologize whe she is wrong and how to have some basic human empathy for her daughter (you) and others. If she doesn't then everyone she treats this way should make it plain to her that no one will do anything for her, or help her, or speak to her. That she can look forward to being completely alone and she can complain and spread her negativity to whatever homecare worker she gets or in whatever nursing home she gets put in.

This is how to handle her. Go as 'Gray Rock' as you can. I didn't speak to my mother for years. When she needs something she will learn to say she's sorry and mean it.
My mother is exactly like yours. You describe her perfectly when describing your own.

We both have senior brats. My mother loves negativity, complaining, staging fake health crises, and ruining special times like holidays, birthdays, planned events, etc... This has always been so. Not just in old age.

As her caregiver I was cooking her three delicious meals a day only to be met with complaining and criticism. Until one day when I brought her the supper and she started with the complaining. I took her plate and threw it in the garbage telling her that she can go hungry or fend for herself.
There were no meals for a few days. She was getting by on bread and peanut butter.

When she was ready to swallow her pride and apologize, the meals returned. I still had to take her plate a few times and put in the garbage when some complaining started, but it was rare.

You start holding her accountable for her behavior. Don't take it from her and you will see positive change.

Even of she improves, DO NOT become her POA. Don't do it. Let someone who is not family have that responsibility.

You limit contact with her.

You don't try to get your emotional needs met by her.

You find friends who accept you for who you are

You stop thinking that she will ever accept responsibility.

I'm truly sorry that you didn't get the mother you needed or deserved.

You are not going to change your mother.
That much should be clear.
You must change your SELF.
Limit your visits. Find a good supportive group of friends to do the "mothering" and "companionship" you might get from a parent without the limitations your Mom has.

You are good at recognizing your mother's limitations.
You have not, however, ACCEPTED them as a given in your life.
And you have not accepted that this won't change; that only YOU will need to change your own life.

I can just suggest that you stay in therapy. It is clearly helping you. But it hasn't yet come to the magic moment of KNOWING her limitations, KNOWING they are permanent, and KNOWING you must move on.

You are a grownup. Only humans, in all the animal world, stay around parents all their lives. All other animals move on. I think actually the latter works better overall, but this is the way we evolved. You need to come to peace with the REALITY.

I sure do suggest listening to the Podcast Dr Laura's Call of the Day. She is just the best at letting people know that not everything can be fixed. Some things just require you moving through them and beyond them, being polite and understanding that nothing will change.

You limit your contact with her and when you do have contact every conversation needs to be superficial. Stop sharing your life with her. Talk about the weather and that is basically it.

1) Know that your mother will never be happy .

2) Always have an exit plan on the phone or in person . Sorry , I have to go now , I have an appointment . Hang up , leave . Limit visits and phone calls . Go no contact when necessary .

3) Do not share every bit of your life with her . Omit things , even white lies are appropriate .

4) Limit your reaction to her . Don’t fight with her . The more you react the more fuel she gets . Leave or change the subject.

Although my mother appears to be much worse than yours and I no longer speak to her, therapy helped me, it helped me understand that it is her not me and no matter what I did to please her it would never change.

It finally came down to whether it was her or me, I chose me, 13 years later I have no regrets.

I would cut back on my dealings with her, take time to heal yourself, set your boundaries and stick to them.

Sending support your way!

"She constantly tells me what to do and any attempt to stop that behavior is met with her getting mad."

She can tell you all she wants about what to do but you just say No. Or just ignore her.

"I feel like nothing ever gets resolved" What are you trying to resolve, the way you were treated as a kid or now? Whichever, you are trying to change someone you can't change. A person who never thinks she is wrong or says she is sorry. That's a Narcissist and they can't be helped because they don't see themselves as needing it. I think PTSD is being used too freely now a days. (Read your first post) What you say and feel does not effect this type of person. They have no empathy. They don't know how to "walk in someone elses shoes". You are banging ur head against a wall. The less you expect from Mom and interact with her the better.

I know people whose parents weren't there for them emotionally and they turned out OK. They are very compassionate people. I bet you are too. Your problem, IMO, is you have tried to label Mom to be able to understand and forgive her. But you look up Narcissist and I bet Mom fits that label. If so, she will never change because...she is not the problem in her mind.

I wish I had understood years ago that my mother's behavior was something I did not have to co-sign, allow, endorse, or otherwise suffer. She and society had drilled it into me that mothers were saints, and because my abuse wasn't physical it was harder to see it as abuse, especially at a time where mental illness wasn't discussed/accepted nearly as much as it is now.

The tips others have mentioned may sound heartless/cruel, but you really have to put yourself and your sanity/feelings/inner child first. If she is allowed to speak to you cruelly but you're not allowed to disagree, you don't really need to be around her at all. You do not need to subdue yourself for a narcissistic tyrant. I'm all too aware that removing yourself from that is easier said than done when that person is your own mother, but perhaps hearing from so many others with similar parents will bring you some strength and help you to not only accept that you don't need to continue this relationship as it has been, but to also take the necessary actions to preserve yourself.

It's great that you can recognize some of the reasons behind her own behaviors, as it can help you to understand that it really has nothing to do with you as a person/child and everything to do with her. But by the same token, you're not obligated to suffer that behavior in silence while battling with the consequences internally. You've done enough of that for your whole life. Any relationship involves 2 people, and she has to meet you halfway and do the self-reflection to understand her behavior and how it affects you. Unfortunately, it's unlikely that at this age, she is going to have an epiphany and begin the work to understand herself and/or you. Therefore, you have to do the work you can with yourself to make this situation more agreeable to you.

You've asked for tips to be around someone who is so unpleasant that it's caused you emotional trauma. The answer is not to be around them, if you can help it. If you do have to for some reason, limit that time with her in frequency, length, or both. Give yourself permission to take care of your own emotional health by leaving when the hurtful behavior begins (or before if it happens on every occasion!). Don't think you have to be a martyr to your mother. The fact that she is your mom does not mean you owe her your emotional pain. The bond that makes people think they have to suffer whatever their mothers dole out, is the same bond that should make mothers want to do better by their children. I have a mother and I am one. Trauma from growing up negatively affected my parenting of my children in some ways, but I have done and am continuing to do the work to heal myself, to allow my children (both teens) to express their needs, wants, and hurts, to be self-aware, and to acknowledge, apologize for, and repair any mistakes I've made. I know that my mother won't do the work, and thus I limit my exposure to her and have also gotten a lot firmer about speaking my truths. If she doesn't like what I have to say, that is not my problem. Her getting angry is no longer a huge fear, as it was for decades. That's been empowering enough that I actually let some things go with her because I understand that she isn't going to change and because of the dementia, doesn't even remember a lot of her own behavior, and thus the healing sits squarely with me. It hasn't been easy and it is a process and a learned behavior (letting go, caring less or not at all, etc). I'm still working on it, but I realize that the trauma took a long time to set in and will take a long time to get over.

It's not easy embracing new dynamics and patterns for yourself that honor your own personhood and adulthood, but that's what you owe it to yourself to do.