Is it wrong that I want to enforce boundaries and live my life for me so I don't end up like them? They are overly obese, riddled with health problems, extremely toxic and refuse to accept responsibility. I am 46. I have time to revamp my life to not head down their path. Why do I feel I am not allowed this? My brother took off to another province and is a multimillionaire. I have a chronic pain condition and am on disability.
I guess I am seeking validation or to vent. I feel helpless and that none of my family care about the burden they are placing on me.
Children are not a retirement plan; their plan seems to involve you becoming their nanny/slave.
Nope. Don't do it.
Sad that your brother reneged on his offer of support, but leaving that aside, there is no earthly reason that you should subject yourself to being at the beck and call of toxic individuals, even if they are your parents.
Simply saying "no, I don't care to do that" is sufficient. If they rattle on about, tell them that you are making your own arrangements and they are free to make theirs. Perhaps give them the phone number of social services. And then either leave or hang up. Don't engage.
You are an adult. You get to decide what you want to do--and what you DON'T want to do.
So. Your parents' plan is that you now invest in a grand family home where you will care for them with the privilege of being allowed to live in the basement. Really? Sweet of them to think of you.
Nah. If they want to move so that they're not too far away from you, which is not unreasonable, they'd do better to set themselves up in appropriate, adapted living facilities where they will have access to support and services that help them function as an independent unit. Meanwhile, leading your new life, you will perhaps come once again to enjoy spending actual family time with them.
Does the city you have in mind offer retirement communities/facilities that look promising?
Values shmalues. Focus on the practicalities. You don't want them guilting you at an inconvenient distance, and on the other hand if you're not over-burdened with responsibility for their lives you may well find that you want to stay involved. You know what they say about keeping your friends close..?
I also agree, that with good functioning boundaries, a good family relationship may continue.
The ability of the parents to adjust to aging & downsize etc may hinge on who is 'driving'? If Mother (with cognitive decline) is in the driver seat - look out.
By the way, you feel you are not allowed this because they RAISED you to feel you are not allowed.
So what if they "cast you as the villain"?
Call whatever social services organization assists vulnerable seniors and let them know that your parents will be without help as of your move out date.
But I'm here to tell you that you are worthy, so get out there and start living and enjoying your life!!!
You are not your parents keeper. They are grown adults and should start acting as such.
Your brother was smart to move away and live his own life. Now it's your turn to do the same. I wish you the very best on your new life journey!
Your anger at your brother is misplaced. No one forced you to apologize to him and fall on your sword. He has made his choices and you're angry that he has moved on with his life. Yet you want the same freedom he has taken for himself.
You are only as helpless as you allow yourself to be. As long as you choose to accept the burden, nothing will change. It's a new year. It's a great time to prepare to move on with your life.
Correct me where wrong, please: you and brother were born and raised in rural Canada. As adults, you children moved away. Brother went his way; you went yours; you came back to live with your parents (why?); he didn't, and has no intention of again getting involved.
I can't see, at first sight anyway, why your brother has any responsibility in this situation, so let's leave him out of it.
Are there any other family members - aunts, uncles, cousins - on the scene? Is your home properly isolated or part of a community? If your parents are contemplating moving with you, what circumstances have they in mind?
If you have the opportunity to move on and reboot your life, you should take it. No arguments there. But if you would like to fill in the gaps and say more about what's happened and what you would like to happen, I hope we'll be able to offer far more in the way of support.
My parents moved from our local city to a small town upon retirement. I bought a farm about 20min away, 12 years ago. I am selling it and returning to the city. My parents wish to piggyback on my plans and have me purchase a house that suits all of their needs and I live in a basement suite while they take main suite.
My brother agreed to participate in their care as they aged. He was going to financially support, Id be the one here. He doesn't do any of what he agreed to... but apparently me inheriting our parents hoarding filled house is my "reward".
On my mothers side, she only has an older sister, 2 provinces away, who is even more toxic than my mother is.
My dad isn't too bad. But I can't take him without her.
Their home is in a small town and not far from one of dad's brothers and one of his sisters... but neither even visit them.
The issue is my mother.
I was distraught when initially posting and left gaps in the narrative. I am not a weak individual nor unable to establish boundaries... its having them respected that is the challenge. I do not seek to be martyred nor play a victim. I am simply overwhelmed and struggle to see a solution given my circumstances.
By posting, I was hoping for some strategies and I guess permission somehow that the supposed "family values" I had drilled into me are okay to break to save my own sanity and live life.
This cracked me up too. Your brother is a multimillionaire and they expect you to buy them a house and you live in the basement.
If Mom is 72 then Dad cannot be much older. He needs to care for her that's what being married means. Children are to grow up and make lives of their own. You don't have to physically care for your parents. You don't have to live with them nor them with you. You can be there for them. Find resources they need. But your life does not revolve around them.
Move back to the city. Make a list of resources in their area. Make sure they have brother's phone#. Remind them they have 2 children and one is a multi-millionaire. If they need any help financially they need to call him.
"My brother agreed to participate in their care as they aged. He was going to financially support, Id be the one here. He doesn't do any of what he agreed to... but apparently me inheriting our parents hoarding filled house is my "reward."
Don't you just love people who plan ur life for you. Move back to the City. Brother can hire people to care for Mom without lifting a finger. He can hire someone to oversee their care.
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