Parents want to move with me as I return to the city from a farm. I tell them that I'm moving alone. I'm being cast as the villain. Advice?

Please don’t feel burden. I feel u should do u in this case. Ur parents have one another to lean on for support. If they want to continue living how they live that’s on them. I think with u having ur own issues at hand u should go on live ur life like ur brother. I hope ur brother have a hood relationship with ur parents. If he can’t be there prayerfully he can contribute and help them in other ways. I would never say give up on ur parents. Always check in on them encourage them and when necessary or able be there. Having a listening ear. It’s ok don’t feel quilt. It sounds like Ur alone so take care of u. U can visit sometimes. I believe in u . Take care of yourself and ur health.

I think you need to break free. You deserve to live a happy life. You deserve not to be tied down for the rest of your life. Make a life for yourself and be happy.

BreakingFree: Your user name speaks volumes. You absolutely are making the correct decision.

If they are already trying to emotionally manipulate you, just imagine if they were any closer to you. As others have said, find boundaries that you can live with and go on with your life. If they were less obnoxious and toxic, perhaps you would feel better about it. But there behavior and lifestyle have put them and you here, so that’s that.

You do your plan. Having a house where you live together is not what you want so DO NOT do it! If your parents, on their own, want to move back to the city, then they are free to make their own plans and do so. That's on them to do, if that's what they really want.

Your brother is also free to do as he wishes. Don't waste your time being upset with him not helping. So very common and he doesn't have to help if he doesn't want to. Your parents are not his responsibility. Or yours. You can help, advise, etc. as much or as little as you want to. Totally up to you.

Another Canadian here.

You need to protect your own health, physical and mental.

Here in BC there is a program called Better at Home, it offers a variety of services to help people live as long as possible in their own home. It is very popular in rural communities where care facilities are a great distance away. Is there a similar program in your province? Income based sliding scale for the fees.

It is perfectly fair for you to tell Mum and Dad they are not moving with you and you have no intention of sharing a home with them. You can offer to find community based services for them, if they refuse to use them that is not your problem.

It sounds like your brother has his boundaries in place.

NO, it is not wrong. Your wishes are healthy. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to do this. If they don't like your choices -whatever. You don't like their choices!

Possibly none of your family do care about you. Dysfunctional/toxic families are like that. It is what it is. I'm glad you have a supportive friend. Get more of those!

Build your own life largely separate from theirs. You are not obliged to care for them. If you want to help them, point them to resources or whatever you feel you can do without harming yourself.

Regarding boundaries, other people will not necessarily respect them. That's not why you set them. Boundaries are for you - to protect yourself. Sometimes other people will change their behaviour in response to boundaries, and sometimes they won't. Stick to them anyway. You can expect toxic people to continue to push your boundaries. My only solution has been to distance myself until I felt safe. That means physical distance some times, not taking phone calls, limiting visits etc. It also can mean going no contact.

Let us know how things are going. There is lots of support here. ((((((hugs))))))

You answered your own question.....look at what they do and are. Why on earth would you put up with that and do anything for them? Second, you have health problems and now you must take care of yourself first and foremost. You would be bringing more hell into your life than there is now. I am glad you are seeing this. Stand firm - you want to live YOUR life and take care of YOU and that is final. You will help find them someone who can work with them and look after them but YOU are done. Do not fall into their trap to make YOU guilty. You have no reason for that - they are the problem, not you.

Please watch 10 tactics to put a narcissist in their place on youtube.

It has blessed me tremendously.

You can not care for another if your needs - especially healthcare needs - are not being met. Let your parents know that you need time to heal - give yourself at least 1-2 years - before you can even consider other arrangements.

At 46 you have the right to start anew somewhere else. I read all the details in your profile. You sound like an intelligent, kind person who realizes your time to put yourself first is here. Don't squander it, don't delay it, just do it.
You state you will assist them if needed and that's all you should do. Your parents are young enough to care for themselves at this point. If you don't make your dreams come true, no one else will. I wish you all the best on your journey!
ps: if you want to "appease" them before you go, just tell them you'll let them know how city life is after you've experienced it firsthand - at which time they can decide to move to the city. ( It doesn't mean they move in with you though).

Without more information it does sound like you're being made a scapegoat; to be made out to be a 'villain' is a power trip meant to guilt you into doing what your parents want; if they are as difficult as you say it is important for you to salvage your life, separate from them. You are 'leaving the nest' and you must toughen your skin to not care what other family says or 'thinks' about you. Enmeshed families, as with addictive relationships, often get into a 'tizzy' when one person begins to get themselves to a healthier place in life. The others then have to deal with their own lives, face their own consequences. Trust yourself, disengage with love. If your folks want to move off the farm, let them, but not with you.

Yes, you are seeking validation for wanting to focus on your own life and health, but you do not need that support to do the right thing for yourself. Why do you feel you "can't leave? ". Your parents may try to guilt you into being there for their convenience, but you are an adult and responsible for your own well-being. If you have doubts about your decision, it means you are not sure it is the right thing to do. If you are sure you are doing the right thing, do not let others, even your parents, manipulate you with guilt.

You're too young and too intelligent to be suckered into this.

Since you don't want to live on the farm in longer, sell it - and buy property suited to YOUR needs, not theirs. Do not think about them when you pick your new house/condo. Buy what you want. Do NOT let them force you into a basement of your new house. If it was me, I'd move in the opposite direction of them!

You are too young for this. And, I am speaking as a physically disabled Caregiver.

No guilt, no shame, pack those bags and don't call them till your moved.
I have had to do a similar thing with my Sister.
You have to set boundaries because they don't have any.
They lived their lives, made their choices, you have the same option to live your life.
Sometimes it turns into enabling, where they can't function on their own because out of guilt you do everything for them.
Let them know you are a phone call away and go live your life.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy"!
You are in the prime of your life, go live it and have some fun, and you will re-identify with yourself and find out who you are and what you are about and what makes you happy.
You do not have to feel guilty for that, validate yourself as worthy, and excited to start your own life with your own choices.
Now go pack your bags! Bon Voyage and Hugs.

They need to go to assisted living. Stay strong and stay alone.

Your validation is here. Move and move quickly. Before you move, write down a list of reasons that you are moving alone and write down why. "once I move and am away from my parents I might be able to sleep without grinding my teeth due to anxiety". " once I move I won't have to hear constant negative comments about my clothes and how I never seem to dress nicely enough to please my mother". Include everything on this list that your parents are doing and why you are waiting to set boundaries. Keep the list and 6 months after you move look at it again and go over and see if your move helped.

Your not at fault. Take care of yourself and move. Tell them to ask their other son for help if they need help.

Well, I'd like to say its not the fault of farm life that has made your parents obese, ill of health and toxic. So moving to the city in itself isn't going to change much of that. Set a deadline and move. Your brother being wealth can step up and provide caregivers or relocate them if that's what is ultimately the answer. Obesity is a, to me, a result of bad decisions with no excuses. If one can't take responsibility for at least their health it shouldn't be your place or actually anyone else's place to sacrifice their own health to compensate. Set the deadline, make the plans. Let your brother help with their care expenses if that's possible.

Run as far away as you can.... loving parents do NOT expect their children to put their life on hold to care for them. Life goes so quick and before you know it your parents needs will grow and grow. If they are chronically overweight then you will need a hoist to bath them eventually, change them etc. etc.

Tell your brother that you are moving and to help pay towards their help. Tell your parents that you have had enough of caring for them and if they need any help their are agency’s out there that provide good help.

setting boundaries is the most important thing we can do with parents. Expect push back but stick with living your life.

The burden is yours, only if you accept it. Set the boundaries and live your life. It’s your life. If others do not approve, so be it.

BreakingFree; I want you to watch a movie-- "Now, Voyager". If ever there was an instruction manual for "breaking free", this is it.

"My parents wish to piggyback on my plans and have me purchase a house that suits all of their needs and I live in a basement suite while they take main suite."

This cracked me up too. Your brother is a multimillionaire and they expect you to buy them a house and you live in the basement.

If Mom is 72 then Dad cannot be much older. He needs to care for her that's what being married means. Children are to grow up and make lives of their own. You don't have to physically care for your parents. You don't have to live with them nor them with you. You can be there for them. Find resources they need. But your life does not revolve around them.

Move back to the city. Make a list of resources in their area. Make sure they have brother's phone#. Remind them they have 2 children and one is a multi-millionaire. If they need any help financially they need to call him.

"My brother agreed to participate in their care as they aged. He was going to financially support, Id be the one here. He doesn't do any of what he agreed to... but apparently me inheriting our parents hoarding filled house is my "reward."

Don't you just love people who plan ur life for you. Move back to the City. Brother can hire people to care for Mom without lifting a finger. He can hire someone to oversee their care.

Sometimes a plan is so preposterous I find myself grinning from ear to ear and chortling helplessly. I know it doesn't look like a kind response but to me it's the one the plan deserves.

So. Your parents' plan is that you now invest in a grand family home where you will care for them with the privilege of being allowed to live in the basement. Really? Sweet of them to think of you.

Nah. If they want to move so that they're not too far away from you, which is not unreasonable, they'd do better to set themselves up in appropriate, adapted living facilities where they will have access to support and services that help them function as an independent unit. Meanwhile, leading your new life, you will perhaps come once again to enjoy spending actual family time with them.

Does the city you have in mind offer retirement communities/facilities that look promising?

Values shmalues. Focus on the practicalities. You don't want them guilting you at an inconvenient distance, and on the other hand if you're not over-burdened with responsibility for their lives you may well find that you want to stay involved. You know what they say about keeping your friends close..?

You say, "By posting, I was hoping for some strategies and I guess permission somehow that the supposed "family values" I had drilled into me are okay to break to save my own sanity and live life."

Women are always expected to be the caretakers for our parents while the 'menfolk' are often free to do their own thing, as evidenced with your brother. Your profile does seem discombobulated (you live in Beverly Hills CA but own a farm in Canada, etc) so I'm not sure if your mother does suffer from Alzheimers/dementia as you say? If so, before you move away, I'd suggest you get the folks set up with some in-home caregivers coming in to help. Then, you should definitely feel free TO move on with your own life as your parents are young and can live another 2 decades. Let them know that you're happy to arrange help FOR them when they need it, but that you're moving on alone b/c you feel that to the best path for YOU at this time.

I am an only child so the entire burden of having elderly parents is automatically placed on me; there's nobody else to help me with any of it. Consider yourself an only child too and leave your brother out of the picture entirely, unless he tells you he wants to help in some way, financially or otherwise. If you rely on anyone else but yourself to accomplish your goals in life, you ARE 'helpless'. If you rely only on yourself, you're powerful! Do as you see fit w/o relying on anyone to tell you it's 'okay' or it's 'not okay'. As an adult, you have the right to move on with your life now. You're not 'deserting' your parents, you're just taking your OWN life by the horns and running with it.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with no guilt and no looking back.

BF, the "values" that you had drilled into you benefit ONLY your parents, not you.

Children are not a retirement plan; their plan seems to involve you becoming their nanny/slave.

Nope. Don't do it.

Sad that your brother reneged on his offer of support, but leaving that aside, there is no earthly reason that you should subject yourself to being at the beck and call of toxic individuals, even if they are your parents.

Simply saying "no, I don't care to do that" is sufficient. If they rattle on about, tell them that you are making your own arrangements and they are free to make theirs. Perhaps give them the phone number of social services. And then either leave or hang up. Don't engage.

You are an adult. You get to decide what you want to do--and what you DON'T want to do.

This will probably be an unpopular response, but here goes. From your profile it seems that you retreated to your parents' home when you needed to be away from the city. You are caring for your parents while in the family home. You now wish to extricate yourself from that situation as you don't wish to be a full-time caregiver (understandable). That's fine. While some say you have no responsibility for them, I disagree, there is some level of responsibility that you should accept as they let you back into their home. So that before you leave, consider setting them up with some sort of services. Are they eligible for a home health aide at least part time? Can food be brought to them by provincial services? Can you discuss a plan for them with your brother that does not involve either one of you directly caring for them while overseeing a long-distance plan of care? Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, responsibilities come with being part of family unit, no matter how dysfunctional.

When I saw my in-laws heading for a giant elderly train wreck, the guilt of standing by and watching it was intense for me. My solution was to help them to find/get the help they needed -- enough so that my husband/our family wasn't their solution.

You can be less of a "villain" by assuring them you'll help them in ways you are willing and able. Once you feel satisfied that you've helped as much as you wish, then hopefully your conscience will feel clear. Not that you should feel guilty about any choice you make, but I get it. Been there, done that. May you receive peace in your heart no matter what you choose.

No one is forcing you to take care of your parents and deal with their dysfunction. You *choose* to do it. At 46, you know how to make different choices and what you want to do. It's your life, not theirs and not your brother's.

Your anger at your brother is misplaced. No one forced you to apologize to him and fall on your sword. He has made his choices and you're angry that he has moved on with his life. Yet you want the same freedom he has taken for himself.

You are only as helpless as you allow yourself to be. As long as you choose to accept the burden, nothing will change. It's a new year. It's a great time to prepare to move on with your life.

Please continue with your plans. A member who often answers on forum has the advice that when you are labeled as the villian your should "embrace it; live it". I think that is sound advice. Let them know when you are leaving. That gives them time to arrange their lives. Let your brother know. Let them know it isn't open to discussion or argument, that you will be leaving. Stay calm and kind and claim the life you have a right to live. If you are the scapegoated victim in this family there is no way but to walk out into the wilderness on your own. Embrace that and make a life. Tell them you love them but you will not sacrifice your life to them. Parents are obligated to raise us. We are NOT obligated to then care for them. We are obligated to make solid worthwhile lives with family of our own, whether blood or friends, and to contribute to the greater whole. I sure wish you luck.
By the way, you feel you are not allowed this because they RAISED you to feel you are not allowed.