Has anyone here had their parent change and become violent and blame you? - AgingCare.com

Has anyone here had their parent change and become violent and blame you?


My Mom is 89. I live with my Mom. She has suddenly developed this behavior. I have been doing 24/7 for many years, but now I am just needing some support and to at least know someone knows how I feel. I want to help her but she won't let me. What I feel is her pushing me away...how do I do it all?

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MyHeartHurts, whether this is indeed manipulative behavior or signs of damage in her brain, it is time for a change. Since the behavior came on suddenly I'm inclined to think there was some physical change that caused it, most likely in her brain. Sounds like dementia to me.

Whether this is Not Her Fault (because of dementia) or it is Deliberate Manipulation may change how you feel about it and toward her. But it does not change the solution. You need and deserve to protect yourself. You have successfully been her caregiver for many years. Good for you!

The current situation is apparently beyond you to cope with. Not Your Fault! You need to bring in sufficient help to reduce the stress on you, or to figure out other arrangements. Is Mother living in your house, or you in hers? That can make some different in the options open to you.

Has Mother been paying you for her care? Do you have some savings, etc.?
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Thank you so much for answering. I do have some help, but then she cancels it. Or, like today...locks them out of the house! I really took notice of your description of the hateful expression. She outright tells me that she is getting back at me for being a teenager. All of her Drs, including one of over 35 years and also "all" of the newer specialists, including the Geriatric Specialist "all" say that she is aware and has her manipulation strategy down to a science. She does frequently 'turn on a dime' but then says I did. Perfect example, happens repeatedly. She gets into a mood, tries to bait me, succeeds sometimes...and she is horrible to me. The moment that someone, anyone, else enters the scene and she manipulates them by saying "I'm so worried about my daughter"...fake tears and all. So then, all I hear is "She's not upset at you, she is so very worried..." and then that becomes the topic. Today, she said "Why did you say you would care for me if you can't!". I have my own serious health issues so I can't do it all. I cannot even begin to reason with her. The worst is her outbursts where she says I hit her and I never ever have! I never saw this coming...
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If your mother has Alzheimer's or the beginning of it, then this doesn't surprise me at all unfortunately. My mother-in-law can turn on a dime, especially starting late afternoon. Since her memory is in the crapper now, she'll suddenly look around and not know where she is, or what the heck is going on. She'll think I've shanghaied her, forced her to live somewhere OTHER than her house and call me terrible names. Anything from 'liar' to 'fink' etc. And I'm pretty much the only one she sees on a regular basis other than my husband. She get this mean hateful expression on her face and even growls at me. In my case however, I CAN LEAVE since she lives in asst. living memory care. But you're stuck there sounds like. Could be time you need some outside help and support if this is going to be a trend. Just depends on your mom's mental state and diagnosis. Sorry & good luck. ♥
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