My grandma is living w dementia, and she has some level of paranoia. That we use her money & write checks in her name. Her bank statements will obviously show otherwise. She doesn’t express this to us though. She goes and says this to her other daughter, and I feel like she enables these kinds of feelings. and the only way we’ve found out is through outbursts between my mom and her sister (the other daughter). She wants to remain in control and is untrusting of us but will later deny that she said anything to us. Should we just laugh it off? How do we learn to remain cool & not get defensive?

I feel like us getting defensive almost gives it validation and we forget it’s her dementia. Her other daughter used to doubt the fact whether or not my grandma even had dementia. I think she enables those feelings because she doesn’t know it’s a symptom of dementia and/or doesn’t believe she actually has it. we want to be able to brush it off and to basically reassure ourselves that it’s her dementia. If and when accusations arise again how can we address them and identify them as a symptom of her dementia. Also her need to have control over the household that she can no longer run. How can we make her feel like she has some say or some control? She’s a bit of a narcissistic person even since before her dementia diagnosis. Nothing can ever be completely smooth sailing but how can we aim for that?

thank you to anyone that responds

you have no idea how good it feels to be heard & validated


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This is very upsetting and worrying for everyone involved, and I sympathise.

But. The first thing is that you, your mother and your aunt are all mentally fine, so with patience and forbearance you can untangle the anxieties and misunderstandings that are bubbling up. Your poor grandmother, though - she can't. All she knows is that things have become confusing and difficult, and she is becoming fearful and untrusting, and on top of that I doubt if she can really keep track of what she's said to whom, and what she's doing with her routine admin.

Your aunt has come to understand that your grandmother's dementia is real, has she? She's accepted that really important point?

If so, that's a very good start for you and your mother and your aunt to build on; but it's one thing to accept dementia in theory, and another to see what it does to a person from day to day. Does your grandmother have a formal diagnosis? Any input from medical professionals?

For your family, which sounds as if it's dealing with the situation pretty well - believe it or not! - I think this must be about communication; being open and frank with one another, and not allowing suspicion and blame to creep in.

Dealing with your grandmother (all three of you) is another kettle of fish. What plans have been made for her care as her dementia progresses? Have the three of you talked about this?
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*just to clarify* it is gMa that denies she said anything about us to her other daughter
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