My father (90) is having a very fiduciary time with my mother's passing (she died only 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer). He pretty much refuses to eat (he eats maybe the equal of one small meal per day) or get out of bed to shower, go outside, etc. He will talk only about my mother, which is fine but that means i can't get him to see a therapist or doctor. We are worried he will become incapacitated, physically and mentally.
My brother lives with him; I am here for two weeks.
If you have any advice on how to help him tend to just the most basic needs while he's grieving, or words of support, I would love to hear it. Thank you!
My 95 year old mother died in June leaving behind my 96 yo father who is grieving. They were married 71 years.
He stopped eating for a bit but he bounced back. He is okay health wise.
I cook or bake some of her recipes. I’ve scanned old pictures to show him a couple during visits. I will talk about some of the things we did as a family. Told him he was very good to her, which he was.
My father doesn’t talk anymore. Conversation is mostly one sided now. But that’s what I do. I think he appreciates it.
Losing a life partner at that age is devastating.
Even speaking with the psychiatrist was beneficial.
Let him grieve. He probably doesn't need to eat much. Elders often don't.
But try and keep liquids nearby - something he likes, so he will stay hydrated.
The brother who lives there can get out a fresh change of clothes, and say;
"It's time to shower and put on clean clothes". Don't ask. Just tell him - walk you dad thru his day with simple basic commands (gentle reminders, really).
He's so lost in his grief he can't think clearly about what to do next. Just guide him through the day, and be there with him. No need to push him to do anything more than he wants at this point.
Support him. He has a right to grieve this and it is normal and needs to be accepted, talked about. Her life should be celebrated with wonderful memories, with a few laughs, and with a lot of tears.
This will take him time.
The truth is that at this age spouses often follow one another in death during the morning period. You will be aware that is a strong possibility.
Don't over worry or push food on your dad. Seniors can live very thing and on very little food. If he likes milkshakes make him and ensure shake.
Help him put together a scrapbook of pictures for you kids.
There is nothing you can do about this; not everything has a fix. You are THERE and that's the important thing. Let him do it HIS WAY, not the way you want it done.
I am so sorry for this loss. For all of you.
While you are in town have Dad sit at the table with you for all meals.
Seniors will eat more when others are eating.
And it is not unusual that when one spouse after being married many years dies that the other follows shortly thereafter.
I have personally known many couples like that and find it quite sweet and romantic actually.
I'm sure that your father at this time would much rather be with your mother, so just give him time and allow him to grieve in his own way.
God bless you all.
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