My father (90) is having a very fiduciary time with my mother's passing (she died only 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer). He pretty much refuses to eat (he eats maybe the equal of one small meal per day) or get out of bed to shower, go outside, etc. He will talk only about my mother, which is fine but that means i can't get him to see a therapist or doctor. We are worried he will become incapacitated, physically and mentally.
My brother lives with him; I am here for two weeks.
If you have any advice on how to help him tend to just the most basic needs while he's grieving, or words of support, I would love to hear it. Thank you!
I believe he is in shock.
At 90 and losing a spouse so quickly must be so painful for him.
* Just being with him.
* Not pushing in any way.
* It really is his decision on if / how he wants to eat. I can understand he may not want to live anymore.
I don't know how to say this -
Truly, if I were you, I would respect his wishes and be with him wherever he is, inside himself - 'vs' - trying to keep him alive by ensuring he has enough food, etc.
* If is were my dad, I would 'try' to project myself into how he feels - which is perhaps the worst he's ever felt in his life - and now he is 90 (with his own health decline / issues, whatever they are). In other words, being miserable and in such intense grief doesn't mean to (proactively) do whatever is necessary to keep him here on this plane. He may not want to be here any more. I understand that - as I understand how hard this must be for you, too.
What I would do... is be with him.
If he won't go to a therapist or MD, see if you can find a grief therapist to come to him 'as a friend.' Not pushing him to talk to anyone else. Just be with him. If he wants to open up and talk, he will. I can understand he may not want to talk to others. Unfortunately, no one can take away anyone's grief - it is a process we all need to go through in our own way in our own time.
I'd try smoothies (bullet drinks) - with whatever he might eat - ice cream ... or banana and peanut butter (with yogurt, fruit, etc).
Try giving him a foot or hand massage.
If he's open to touch, have a therapist come in.
A head, neck, shoulder massage is very relaxing.
Gentle, healing touch may be good for him now if he is open to it.
You can try it yourself first (or your brother) and see how he responds.
Gena / Touch Matters
My Beautiful mom passed away abruptly two years ago. She and my Pop had been married 64 years. My Pop turns 90 this year.
I think it helped that I (one of their daughters) was already living in the home as my mom's caregiver. (She was in her seventh year of dementia.)
Since her passing, I've not stopped talking about his bride. I'll mention how the smallest things (a meal she used to love, things that made her laugh, etc.) remind me of her. Now, my Pop does the same. There are still times when he is very melancholy and listens to old music or watches old movies to be near her. I let him be, and don't try to interrupt his grief, even with the best intended joy. I encourage him to join me on a nice car ride after he's been melancholy. It does wonders.
We're figuring it out, and you will too.
God bless you.
Deepest condolences.
Let him grieve. He probably doesn't need to eat much. Elders often don't.
But try and keep liquids nearby - something he likes, so he will stay hydrated.
The brother who lives there can get out a fresh change of clothes, and say;
"It's time to shower and put on clean clothes". Don't ask. Just tell him - walk you dad thru his day with simple basic commands (gentle reminders, really).
He's so lost in his grief he can't think clearly about what to do next. Just guide him through the day, and be there with him. No need to push him to do anything more than he wants at this point.
And it is not unusual that when one spouse after being married many years dies that the other follows shortly thereafter.
I have personally known many couples like that and find it quite sweet and romantic actually.
I'm sure that your father at this time would much rather be with your mother, so just give him time and allow him to grieve in his own way.
God bless you all.
Losing a life partner at that age is devastating.
Even speaking with the psychiatrist was beneficial.
My 95 year old mother died in June leaving behind my 96 yo father who is grieving. They were married 71 years.
He stopped eating for a bit but he bounced back. He is okay health wise.
I cook or bake some of her recipes. I’ve scanned old pictures to show him a couple during visits. I will talk about some of the things we did as a family. Told him he was very good to her, which he was.
My father doesn’t talk anymore. Conversation is mostly one sided now. But that’s what I do. I think he appreciates it.
While you are in town have Dad sit at the table with you for all meals.
Seniors will eat more when others are eating.
Support him. He has a right to grieve this and it is normal and needs to be accepted, talked about. Her life should be celebrated with wonderful memories, with a few laughs, and with a lot of tears.
This will take him time.
The truth is that at this age spouses often follow one another in death during the morning period. You will be aware that is a strong possibility.
Don't over worry or push food on your dad. Seniors can live very thing and on very little food. If he likes milkshakes make him and ensure shake.
Help him put together a scrapbook of pictures for you kids.
There is nothing you can do about this; not everything has a fix. You are THERE and that's the important thing. Let him do it HIS WAY, not the way you want it done.
I am so sorry for this loss. For all of you.