Hello, new to this website/forum and in need of guidance. I am 33 years old, my partner (Paul) is 35 and has been caring for his parents since he turned 18. At first, it was just financial assistance, but now they rely on him for everything.
Both parents are almost 60; the father is a depressed, anxious alcoholic who gave up on life about 17 years ago after being laid off. He turned to drinking and has not worked since. His health has rapidly declined and he is constantly in and out of the hospital due to falling or alcohol-related issues, including Wet Brain. Most of the time, he refuses to bathe himself and will pee into water bottles or just pee himself. Somehow he still manages to steal his wife's bank card and make it to the store for alcohol.
The mother is bi-polar with a multitude of physical issues including Fibromyalgia. She also falls often and is in and out of the hospital. While she does not have a drinking problem, she has an addition to buying knickknacks and spending money on things she doesn't need. Their entire apartment is like walking into a hoarders paradise.
We have had to move his parents twice in the past two years, and just found out we have to move them again as they have once again been evicted. We found out today we have 30 days to find them a place and get them moved.
The first time we moved them, we spent months ahead of time trying to help them prepare. We got them boxes, set them up with a system for packing, and offered to help pack. Prior to moving day, we were assured they had packed everything. We showed up on moving day, with our friends in tow ready to help move, only to find that 75% of their home had not been packed. The majority of the contents of the home was garbage.
The second time we had to move them, Paul and his friends all requested off work (he already misses work often for them, they live 45 minutes away -1.5 hrs from his job- and he was able to get FMLA approval.) only to show up on moving day, with a rented van and friends in tow, only to be told by his mother when he arrived that the new apartment was not ready yet and she had gotten the date wrong. In fact, they had to wait a week and try again.
We make enough money to take care of ourselves, but we do not have extra money to throw around. They get paid from social security/disability on the first of the month, and they have usually blown their money by the third or fourth of the month. I set my partner up so he could access and monitor their bank account, and he recently set up a separate account for his mother alone so that his father would not know about the account and would stop stealing his wife's debit card to buy alcohol in the middle of the night while she is asleep. Somehow, this still hasn't fixed the problem, and the father still manages to constantly steal the card and blow money. When he can't find the card, he just bugs her for beer until she gives in.
This results in Paul constantly having to pay their bills. He already pays their cell phone monthly, has to make down payments for the apartments each time they move, pays for their internet, buys them food, has bought them four tvs in the past two years because they keep breaking them, and has had to buy them a car as well as fix it up each time it breaks down.
His mother calls and texts him about 30 times a day, I kid you not. Every day. Neither of them have friends, and (he is an only child) he has no family to help. His mother relies on him completely, and goes off on him in an emotionally abusive way each time he doesn't give her what she wants.
Their income is so low, neither of them have worked in so long. We have no idea what to do or how to get them the help they need. I can't convince him to walk away despite how truly awful they treat him. We can't afford to put them in a home or hire a caregiver, and so far the hospital workers, rehab workers and medicaid have not been helpful.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!