Hello, new to this website/forum and in need of guidance. I am 33 years old, my partner (Paul) is 35 and has been caring for his parents since he turned 18. At first, it was just financial assistance, but now they rely on him for everything.
Both parents are almost 60; the father is a depressed, anxious alcoholic who gave up on life about 17 years ago after being laid off. He turned to drinking and has not worked since. His health has rapidly declined and he is constantly in and out of the hospital due to falling or alcohol-related issues, including Wet Brain. Most of the time, he refuses to bathe himself and will pee into water bottles or just pee himself. Somehow he still manages to steal his wife's bank card and make it to the store for alcohol.
The mother is bi-polar with a multitude of physical issues including Fibromyalgia. She also falls often and is in and out of the hospital. While she does not have a drinking problem, she has an addition to buying knickknacks and spending money on things she doesn't need. Their entire apartment is like walking into a hoarders paradise.
We have had to move his parents twice in the past two years, and just found out we have to move them again as they have once again been evicted. We found out today we have 30 days to find them a place and get them moved.
The first time we moved them, we spent months ahead of time trying to help them prepare. We got them boxes, set them up with a system for packing, and offered to help pack. Prior to moving day, we were assured they had packed everything. We showed up on moving day, with our friends in tow ready to help move, only to find that 75% of their home had not been packed. The majority of the contents of the home was garbage.
The second time we had to move them, Paul and his friends all requested off work (he already misses work often for them, they live 45 minutes away -1.5 hrs from his job- and he was able to get FMLA approval.) only to show up on moving day, with a rented van and friends in tow, only to be told by his mother when he arrived that the new apartment was not ready yet and she had gotten the date wrong. In fact, they had to wait a week and try again.
We make enough money to take care of ourselves, but we do not have extra money to throw around. They get paid from social security/disability on the first of the month, and they have usually blown their money by the third or fourth of the month. I set my partner up so he could access and monitor their bank account, and he recently set up a separate account for his mother alone so that his father would not know about the account and would stop stealing his wife's debit card to buy alcohol in the middle of the night while she is asleep. Somehow, this still hasn't fixed the problem, and the father still manages to constantly steal the card and blow money. When he can't find the card, he just bugs her for beer until she gives in.
This results in Paul constantly having to pay their bills. He already pays their cell phone monthly, has to make down payments for the apartments each time they move, pays for their internet, buys them food, has bought them four tvs in the past two years because they keep breaking them, and has had to buy them a car as well as fix it up each time it breaks down.
His mother calls and texts him about 30 times a day, I kid you not. Every day. Neither of them have friends, and (he is an only child) he has no family to help. His mother relies on him completely, and goes off on him in an emotionally abusive way each time he doesn't give her what she wants.
Their income is so low, neither of them have worked in so long. We have no idea what to do or how to get them the help they need. I can't convince him to walk away despite how truly awful they treat him. We can't afford to put them in a home or hire a caregiver, and so far the hospital workers, rehab workers and medicaid have not been helpful.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
Do you really want to tie yourself to a guy who can't cut the apron strings? Mamma's boys are hard enough to deal with when they come from a family that is loving and stable. Look at who and what your future inlaws would be with Paul. Is that really something you want in your life?
Be grateful that Paul has avoided committing to you! At least you can part ways amicably, wish him well and move on. Find someone who wants to commit to you. Believe me when I tell you that when a man wants to commit to you it's the best feeling in the world.
I took care of my father in my home for 2 1/2 years. This was after he was kicked out of his facility, and before his stroke his abandonment of me and my sister. He was mean, unappreciative of anything anyone did for him, and while he could do quite a bit for himself he just wanted everything done for him. I languished in our situation. I also am married and have 4 children, 2 of which are autistic and one of them will need full time care for life. I.was.burnt.out. But I didn’t see any way out.
I feared involvement from social workers or the government because of things my dad had said to people that eventually landed me getting investigated by APS. I was cleared of everything pretty quickly, but that fear still nagged. I catered to my mentally abusive father for two rather selfish reasons...to keep my butt out of trouble (which was just a personal perspective but also proved later a false one) and to keep the peace (which really never lasted more than a day).
The change (and my strength to do it) finally came when he had more strokes and was hospitalized. The relief in the house while he was gone was actually palpable. When he got sent to the rehab hospital and the social worker there started talking about his discharge home, I finally spoke up. Told the SW that I could no longer take care of him, all the reasons why, that he had no home, and asked what could be done. I was amazed when she sympathized and said she would help start the process to have him placed in long-term care. I had to go tell my dad (along with a few other family in my corner) what the plan was. Of course he raged. Tried all his manipulation tactics, but I stood firm.
Fast forward 18 months and I don’t go see him or speak to him. The last phone call from him was in Feb and it was him screaming at me for petty stuff, insulting me and my husband, and threatening to sue me for this and that. I told him not to call me again. He’s being cared for properly and that’s the best thing I could do for him. Nothing I did or do will ever be enough for him, so I stopped caring. He never did or would ever do the same for me that I did for him.
It’s not noble to kill oneself for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. There will never be peace with his parents. There are people that can and will take care of them, and as much as it might hurt the ego, those people can do it better. There is counseling available for you and Paul to deal with leaving a toxic family. As someone else stated, the parents made their choices, they now need to live with them. Paul will never be able to do “enough”. Paul is also not legally obligated to do what he does for them. At all. They are able, they choose not to be. He does not have guardianship, so he is not responsible. Paul can contact APS, local DHS, etc and just say there are vulnerable adults who need more help than he can provide. Or the next time someone lands in the hospital, talk to social work there. And make it clear they need more care than he is able provide.
For him though, it will be tough. But there is peace on the other side. It is possible and everyone will be ok. Maybe his parents won’t be happy, but then again, their choice.
Im sorry you went through what you did. Your words are powerful.
Exhausted & partner's life being absorbed into his parent's. Lurching from one drama to another until crises, guardianship & early nursing home admittance.
It is possible to change this.
It's possible that Exhausted will stop helping the parents in ANY way, forcing the partner to be unable to cope with them, causing the parents to meet 'the system' (APS, Police, Hospitals etc). What is unknown is what Paul will do.
I keenly remember the pressure of the late 20's/early 30's in the tock is ticking motherhood issue. Many girlfriends & workmates wanting to have children left long term boyfriends at this age. Some guys tried to stall for another 5 years & were told goodbye. Some girls stayed but remained childless by non-commitment guys. Some had their guys quickly run after them & commit to the package: wedding, home, children. Some repartnered instead. (One left, sold their house & bought a cat).
There is no guarantee repartnering will bring a healthy relationship - a loving partner ready for children of course but only Exhausted can decide what she truly wants to prioritise in her life?
So my big question is not about the parents but Stay or Go? Accept his dysfunctional family baggage, the risk of still being where you are at 35, 38, 43.
Or go? Risk whether he can follow, or time a fresh chance to become a wife & mother.
I'm sorry if I am too harsh - but you are in a hard as h377 situation. (((Hugs)))
You will really be stuck if that happens.
Why does Paul accept the financial burden when they spend their money on liquor and knickknacks? That doesn't seem fair at all.
What is in it for Paul to keep his parents dependent on him? Is it a way to keep from having an adult relationship and commitment to you?
Good luck,
Charlotte
You need to leave as soon as you can, and see if Paul chooses to come with you or stay with his parents. That’s your answer. Can you arrange a long holiday, or some casual work in another town? You aren’t running out on him, you are making sure that the two of you really do have a future. Otherwise, he has run out on you. Be brave!
care for:
yourself
your god
your mate
others, this includes your children
if you do not do this
YOU will be imbalanced, you will suffer.
my hubby had 2 wives die before we married.
Please
what I’m telling you is truth
it can be tested out
Wow! Your description of your boyfriend’s parents could have been my parents, but the difficulties in which we had to step in didn’t start to emerge until they were in their early 70’s. That his parents are not even 60 years old means he could be dealing with this for a very long time.
I know the double-whammy of growing up with an alcoholic father and a bipolar mother. Read some of my earlier posts to see what that was like. The biggest issue here is that your boyfriend’s natural and honorable inclination to help his parents is enmeshed with his enabling behavior that continues and worsens the situation. Trying to disentangle the two seems an impossibility.
The best advice I can give you is to seek out Al-anon. If no one has suggested this to you, let me be the first. It is said that one alcoholic affects up to 50 people. An alcoholic drinks. That is what they do. And they will try to draw as many people into enabling them to do this as possible, from family, to extended family, to coworkers, to neighbors, etc. I remember a woman telling me that she felt like suing the entire town after her brother died of alcoholism at the age of 45. She said everyone enabled him to continue in his disease, including his friends, his boss, the cops, and even the mayor! Everyone had a hand in “helping” him avoid the consequences of his actions.
Al-anon is an organization for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking. That means your boyfriend. That means you. Look it up online. You may not identify with everything or everyone there, but you will identify with the feelings. Al-anon teaches you how to disentangle true compassion for another from enabling. You should be able to find an online meeting. Usually these are in-person meetings, but I’m sure more online meetings have started due to the shutdown. If your boyfriend won’t do it, do it for yourself. Read about it online, order some of their literature. Talk to some of the members. Growing up in the cauldron of alcoholism and mental illness is a crazy-making recipe which can affect the rest of your life. Al-anon teaches you another way to live and make right decisions whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not, or whether the other crazy-makers get better or not. You have been sucked into this vortex through your boyfriend. There is hope for you. Al-anon can help you to see more clearly to make good decisions. I am praying for you.
Hugs 🤗
That "hopeless and helpless" thing? That's called depression. Pushing back at every suggestion.
Is HE in therapy?
What is it that you so love about him? How much time and attention has he got left over for you and {yikes!} a kid or two?
We're asking you hard questions because we've all seen a lot more of life that you have, and we know that, without a course correction (by you) this ends badly.
You are the only person whose behavior you can control.
Time to practice tough love.
No more paying for cell bills, groceries or helping them move. He had taught his parents he will clean up after them and fix their problems so they do not take responsibility for their actions. As long as he enables them, they will not change.
Paul needs to look up FOG.
If Paul doesn't see that he's helping to keep his parents sick & dependent, then he's too far gone for help
But YOU are not. You are way too young to be saddled down with THIS level of trouble for the rest of your life. He has chosen this lot in life; if you stay, you too have chosen it. If you leave, you've chosen to move on with your life toward a healthy, balanced lifestyle instead. If Paul wants to join you, then what steps is HE going to take to disentangle himself from this mess he's helped to create?
The parents need placement. Alcoholic dementia and related disease will follow the father's behavior. Soon. It's ugly, too. Either Paul helps place his parents and gets counseling for himself, or you need to really think long and hard about moving on.
I would advise my 35 y/o son to do the exact same thing. Same with my 27 y/o daughter. I'd HATE to see either one of them enmeshed in such a terrible situation.
Wishing you the best of luck.
If the discharge folks and social workers see that there is someone who is willing to take on the "enabled" helpless person, they are absolved of getting that person help.
The only people who get help are those for whom no one shows up.
He needs to stop showing up for social services to kick in.
It is not YOUR money that supports them in Assisted Living if that's what they need.
Your partner's mother sounds mentally ill; does he know who her doctor is? He can call and GIVE information that her meds are being abused and that she is in need, possibly of psychiatric inpatient treatment.
Aren't evictions on hold in their city?
His mother has been in psychiatric facilities numerous times over the past few years. They take her in for a day or two and then discharge her. I've tried to convince him to talk to her doctor, but he says every time he does they just give her more meds and don't seem to care. They live in Elyria, Ohio... it's a very poor town. I think most of the doctors are likely as burned out as we are.
Thank you for the link, I will look into that!
It is what is being used to control your friend.
Has he ever spoken to a therapist about this situation? Why not?
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting there to be a different result.
Four and a half years???????
RUN. I mean it. Get out now.
Does he WANT to extricate himself? I really don't see this as being a viable relationship for YOU if you see this as unsustainable and he doesn't see that there's something VERY wrong with the picture.
He should call Adult Protective Services and report them as vulnerable adults about to be homeless.
Then he should find himself a therapist.
Adult children are NOT NOT NOT legally responsible for their parents. Parents are responsible for themselves and for their minor children.