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'after your mom is gone.' He also raised her pay from $15 to $20 dollars since we hired her 6 months ago & her hours keep lengthening which is making me nervous for them financially, as mom is relatively healthy other than dementia & her mom lived to 97 with dementia ( mom 77- 5 years since diagnosis.) I don't know how to react to this. My relationship with stepdad has been getting progressively worse as he seems to not want me around & not have contact with caregivers. He insisted on hiring this woman who is from his bible study class & she does take decent care of mom but is this normal?

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My goodness, there’s nothing more embarrassing to witness than an old man’s ‘love’ for teenaged girls! And other charming ladies. But I suppose it’s not my business unless the will gets changed.
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I'm a broken record here but my uncle married his wife's nurse after his wife died. (Nurse was with aunt over 10 years). They were married a good 25 years. During his life his daughter died of a brain tumor and his son with complications of diabetes and was on dialysis. Uncle also had diabetes and then dementia. I'm not sure what we would have done without her. He did not block her (their) children from visitation etc. while their mother was alive. The nurse was about the age of his oldest child. Was not a beauty by any stretch but they had a good life together for many years. Each situation is different.
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I don't like it, but I'm only one woman. And I am one woman who was tossed to the curb with my 3 year old child when I was under 30 as my former husband wanted his mistress to move in AND did!!!!!
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The problem is that all these cheating men - and they are cheating - would never have condoned this sort of arrangement if they were the invalids and their wives were out dating. The other problem is that old men don't see themselves as old. When they go after younger women, they think they are the same age.
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I don’t know the age of your father. But my father in his late 80s started getting into trouble not able to control his fantasies about young women and pornography. He was banished from a local drugstore after stalking one of the pharmacy workers. So maybe this is a different situation but I know several other people whose fathers have gotten into this type of trouble when they get older. Needless to say my mother was not happy when the police came to the door to talk with my father. she then understood why he was gone so long to pick up a prescription. So I would monitor the situation. They are both in a nursing facility now and my father Still has some issues and harassing some of the young girls who work there. He tries to get my brother to find out peoples phone numbers and he’s asked me how to look peoples phone numbers up on my phone and he’s been reprimanded many times but it doesn’t sink in . It’s a little bit beyond boys will be boys . I think the women that work in this profession are hopefully trained on how to handle these advances. But I’m just telling you my side of what I’ve experienced and I know of at least two or three other families that experienced similar issues with their fathers .
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What the heck? I'd leave some bible verses taped around the house about adultery. If this continues to be a problem sic the pastor on him. Seriously. This makes me so mad and I don't even know the guy.
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Tell him NO. It would be inappropriate for both, unprofessional for her, plus she would be fired immediately if her employer found out. There is a high likelyhood her employer would then turn her name in to higher authorities and she could go to jail for Elder Abuse for taking advantage of them
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Tell him that he can not because it is inappropriate plus the worker will be fired from her job
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20 years ago when I moved into my house, I met my new neighbours. He was tall and handsome with a beautiful smile, his wife whom he doted upon, had had a massive stroke and could not tell girls from boys. He kept her home with help until she could not toilet or feed herself. For many years she had no speech, but she could play bridge.

A couple days later we were talking and he told me he had a girlfriend. The girlfriend helped him to look after his wife. They laughed and talked. While his wife played bridge at the seniors centre, they could go out for a light meal, for a walk or grocery shopping. When his wife went into respite they went camping.

His wife was there physically only. Her mind was gone, yet he kept her at home as long as possible and when she went into a nursing home he visited daily. When he lost his licence due to eye sight, his girlfriend drove him.

Once she went into a nursing home his girlfriend moved in. Her family was appalled, he did not have children. They gave each other company, friendship and perhaps intimacy that his wife could not longer provide and had not been able to provide for many years.

I have no idea if there was any sort of a financial arrangement between them, but I do know the relationship was incredibly important and helped him to cope with the terrible changes in his wife.

HIs wife died about 10 years ago, he died about 4 years ago. I am thankful his girlfriend was there for him up until the end.

I could never condemn anyone for seeking out happiness, while they have good health.

How many here are isolated by 24/7 caregiving and would love some companionship and a sharing of the load?
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Perhaps you can hire an additional caregiver and split the hours between the two. That would make the current one less exclusive to your stepfather. Then you are all a team with your mother's interests first.
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I also know a man who eventually married his wife's care-giver. Seems normal for an attraction to develop between a man whose wife is sort of leaving him and a caring, compassionate woman, especially those who share a common faith and moral standards.
Whether she is on the "up and up" or maybe taking advantage of his needs is the question to be addressed. Someone suggested contacting the pastor. Sounds like a good idea to perhaps have the pastor schedule a meeting with you, dad, care-giver, and pastor; and just address your concerns about finances frankly, admitting that you also love how well this lady is caring for your mom and how much help she's been to Dad; but you are concerned about their running out of money.
Either you'll have your concerns relieved, or they'll tell you to butt out; but at least the pastor--who you hope can be trusted--will be on notice and maybe help keep watch.
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While this does seem out of line, at some level, your stepdad is likely just very tired of the care (most men of that generation are just NOT hardwired to care for ill people)..and enjoying the company of someone who is lifting a huge burden off him.
Having said that---yes, you should let the caregiver know of his feelings.

I am weirdly attractive to elderly men. Old men will actually follow me around stores and strike up conversations. I've had several actually ASK me (when Dh was going through chemo, post cancer, how much longer he was going to live--wink, wink). OMGosh!! I'm 61 and I guess reasonably attractive--at least to the over 80 crowd. I did work Elder Care, and had a couple of male clients. It just never worked out with them b/c they would always "fall in love" and of course, I did NOT reciprocate.

Hugemom--I totally know how that feels--to have someone validate you, talk to you and show a lot of kindness, when you are struggling with the day to day of caring for your own loved one (who is probably not showing much gratitude!) and they step up and say a couple of kind words. You're over the moon! Just shows how burned out and hungry for validation we can get.

My uncle also "fell" for the sweet woman (a neighbor) who cared for my aunt in her last days. They married and had 20 years together. Nothing inappropriate as they were both very committed to Aunt's care. The family kind of knew this was going to happen and were OK with it. Uncle was a horrible man and they were glad he was in such kind hands.
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Totally normal. Some states have strict laws regarding sex with impaired people who sometimes can't give informed consent, even when it is a husband or wife! One does not lose one's sexual desire because a wife or husband may no longer be capable of physical intimacy! Just make sure that those vows of long ago are honored, nothing happens until your mom passes, (assuming she dies first) and that NOTHING happens in front of your mom that might cause her concern or grief, or hasten her decline! In this equation, your mom must ALWAYS be numero uno! I suggest that you bring in a qualified caregiver for an afternoon, spend an hour or two with her to make sure things are working, and then go out to a restaurant with your stepdad and current caregiver for an air clearing confab! Don't let the sub know the situation, tell her to keep her opinions to herself so your mom is'nt upset, and make sure that she has contact numbers for you and your mom's doctor.
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It’s really difficult when your life stinks and all of the sudden someone comes along who is nice to you, compliments you and maybe cares about your well-being, understanding what you’re going through as a caregiver, to not daydream about “what if?” and develops a crush, maybe even an emotional crush. We recently purchased a patient lift for hubby who is immobile and bedridden. I am his sole caregiver. He was never that affectionate unless he wanted to be intimate and even though I love him, our marriage has always been “meh”. When we purchased this lift, it was broken. We went through channels until I was called by the company rep. We spoke once on the phone about the lift. We joked around and had a very pleasant conversation. He then emailed me a local company where I could take the lift to be repaired. When I emailed to thank him, he wrote back and told me what a positive attitude I had and that I was truly a special special person. He said he’s been in his field for decades and basically, he knew what he was talking about and that I am truly special. It knocked my Snoopy Halloween socks off. Someone recognized what hell my life is now! Someone said I was doing a wonderful job! Someone said I was special! Wow! I had to really put the whoa on myself. I had to remind myself of the old adage, “He probably says that to all the girls!” I e emailed him once since. Thanking him for sending me a reimbursement for the repair of the lift and have heard nothing. End of emotional affair for me before it even started.

Try to see this from Dad’s point of view. But I would certainly speak with this woman about what’s going on since it’s obviously upsetting you. If mom is still fairly sharp, she observes what’s going on. A look, a playful phrase...Please don’t react until you’re certain she is playing into Dad’s puppy love. If she’s a friend and not a trained health care worker, she hasn’t been trained to kindly rebuff advances and may think she’s just continuing the friendship and “being nice”.
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Your number one concern is that your mom is cared for properly so if this woman is doing a good job I wouldn’t concern myself with your stepdad’s feelings for the caregiver. You need to keep the peace so you can keep an eye on your mom’s care. Pray for God’s guidance whenever you go to see them and I will be praying for you.
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I sense cjoice is including a suspicion that the husband shovels the money to the caretaker and her mom runs out of her money too quickly. In VA, agencies send a CNA for around $23/hr (a bit lower if you pay more hours) and this private gal is at $20/hr now, approaching cost of an agency with overhead, insurance, etc.
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I am sure it is very difficult to deal with your own sense of loss as your mother's dementia progresses, as well as the stress of care and witnessing how your step father is handling it. It is hurtful to hear comments about "after she is gone". He may be doing that out of fear. My father constantly makes reference to not being around much longer. It stings when he says it, but I believe in his own way he is trying to process that reality. I agree that you should talk with the pastor of the church for advice. If this caregiver takes great care of your mother, I would certainly open a positive dialogue about the situation so you are all on the same page.
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why do you think you have to react? Your stepdad has a free will to choose whom he cares for or not. Just focus on making your mom have the best day possible in her situation and let your stepdad take care of himself.
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And I agree with murphy about finding a way to get the church/ bible study people passively attuned to your home life! The more of their peers just tangentially apprised the better. Can you go to this bible study yourself?
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Yes, it is very normal. It may also be problematic. Part of the problem is that dementia can make a person seem "gone" even though their body is still here. Ultimately the goal should be to give your mother the best quality of life possible in the situation. If the caregiver is making the situation better, then I would say, "don't rock the boat".
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Hi - I was informed by your question a month ago, as well. Are you still in school, what is roughly your age group; dependent on the household in any way, or contributing finances to the household? He may have romantic feelings.. or just trying to plan for his own demise. Either way - good advice here about keeping yourself in the picture by picking your battles and doing things mom likes yourself during your time. I recommend you work on relations with your brothers, if possible release your judgments of them as to whether they are around enough. It’s possible that you and this lady can get on better terms together if you stay open. At the right opportunity, when he has said this again and you can state evenly and without emphasis, let him know you don’t think it’s proper to talk about plans for after your mother is gone - perhaps in front of the lady, even better. And small point - is this your stepdad, or just your mom’s husband? I’d be inclined to call him the latter, myself!
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I was gonna say, kind of as Laurieo has pointed out....does the caregiver KNOW about your stepdad's romantic feelings? Or is this something he has built up in his head? Perhaps she does know but does not reciprocate it. Maybe she is just a nice lady from bible study who needs the work and can't afford to speak up. There is all kinds of potential for sexual harassment liability here that sets of alarm bells in my head.
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Bible study class? Call on the preacher and ask his advice, lol. The caretaker already knows this is inappropriate.
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Definitely normal. I would suggest you let her know your stepdad has a crush on her. She may not be in on this secret, and she should know, as an employee of the home. That opens the communication between you and her about professionalism “until Mom’s gone”. She should not be ENCOURAGING such a crush CURRENTLY. I would go so far as to be HONEST about the hour increase (not necessarily the raise) and ask for HER input on how many hours SHE thinks are truly warranted TODAY - not predicting the future. Caregivers can tell how much time we need to be thorough. She may agree with you about the hours and be able to SUGGEST they wait on adding hours AS NEEDED?
Caregivers become part of the family sometimes. I’ve had one client with a huge crush on me EACH VISIT, tho we needed to be INTRODUCED EACH VISIT as well. It was just NICE for HIM to have a new person in the house for a few hours. It never lead to ANYTHING inappropriate. Care recipients and their loved ones STILL HAVE FEELINGS like the rest of us, God willing. I just KNEW this care recipient had a crush and I never took ADVANTAGE as a result. And he never did anything inappropriate to/with/regarding me. He was just HAPPY to have a woman in the house who “wasn’t as strict” as his wife was. She was his primary caregiver and the primary caregivers often have to “bother” dementia patients with showers, denture cleaning, butt wiping and other jobs that the dementia patient finds to be unnecessary harassment! So it was PERFECTLY NORMAL to prefer a younger woman offering a turkey sandwich! :)
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This can work out well. My aunt had a caretaker and my uncle married her after the aunt died. Caretaker, now second wife, was a wonderful person and took care of him until he died. She remains friendly with the rest of the family and no one had has any complaints altho there were original doubts. I guess it depends on who the people really are in their hearts.
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Oh *dear*.

Man in difficult but committed relationship. Angel of mercy making his life easier and sweeter AND at the same time making a good job of caring well for your mother. Normal? That he wants her around and is engaging in daydreams of sunny uplands to come? I'd say so, wouldn't you?

Question is, what are you going to do about it a) and do you have any alternative plans up your sleeve that you might be able to get Stepdad to consider b)?

How do you get on with this lady, apart from your stepfather's nervousness of ? possible "two women under one roof" situations? If you can befriend her then you can also influence her to exercise caution and propriety, which might be a better and easier way to go about it.
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