My situation is slightly different from a similar inquiry I read about here. I live in a subsidized senior home where many residents are disabled or with serious health problems. I myself had a fall, breaking my arm, shortly after arriving and was in recovery for close to a year. I get around physically now but it isn't easy as my transportation is up in the air, and I have few close friends or family to help me here, where I moved from out of state a few years back as I had lived here before. I'm not at all in a good situation (especially financially) and close to my mid-70s. A neighbor whom I "did not know" - virtually not at all --called me about 6 months ago and asked out of the blue if I would collect her mail for her as she had to go urgently in the hospital. (I had left my tel. no. under her door for a quick question to ask some months prior.) I had no idea this situation would go on for so long.
Long story short: I no longer want to do this, as I have more than one "complication" in my own life to deal with (paperwork, etc.) & find myself doing a variety of tasks for her: sorting mail, picking up packages, calling & texting her about various things relating to her mail/boxes, etc. Latest thing was someone getting ahold of a box that wasn't properly labeled for her and taking small items out/numerous phone calls to a family member, etc. The family member who comes by to get mail, do various things + the neighbor now in assisted living give me a fairly perfunctory "thank you so much" every once in a while -- and that's it.
I believe she's "ok" for money, has medicare and medicaid, and family member who comes by seems pretty well off. Christmas came and went, and although I was the one to give the neighbor a card all I got as a response was again "thank you." Neither she nor the family member even bothered with a card for me. I was naively thinking a small Christmas gift -- even a box of cookies from the Dollar Store --might be appropriate for me, but nothing. She may be coming back soon to live here --that is unclear -- and I expect she will now want me permanently in charge of her mail/packages, etc. as she doesn't get around without a walker. If she (or the family member) had been more gracious towards me, I'd feel different, but now I just feel taken advantage of. Of course, before I came along, she had to have had some other plan/person.
Any suggestions on the best way to exit this situation graciously? Thanks so much and sorry for the length of this.
You don't have to exit "graciously". JUST EXIT.
--You can send her a text saying "I can not help with your mail anymore from now on." That's all you have to do. No explanations. I don't recommend calling then she'll ask why.
--After sending the text, you can either so silent, or ghosting by blocking her number so she can't call you.
Her mail. Her problem. Not yours.
Never apologize, never explain. You owe her neither of those things. You don't actually *owe* her any notice that you're resigning, so to speak, either; but it would be kind to announce it rather than just tell her to get lost next time she asks.
If she agrees but then asks you for help again; or if she looks crestfallen and says "oh, but who can I turn to...?" - answer with "I'm sure you and the family can come up with a plan." Do NOT give in, do not back down, and do not come up with suggestions for her either. Remember above all that her problems are not yours to solve.
You have been an outstanding neighbour, and I'm sorry there hasn't been more visible appreciation of it, but then Ambrose Bierce did warn us: "gratitude is the lively expectation of favours yet to come."
She and her family can have the mail transferred to the family or placed in a PO Box accessible only to them. The situation is setting you up to be accused and blamed. Leave that to the family or people they pay.
She and her family could be remembering your birthday and Christmas, but the above is still the same. It's probably good however that they are such ingrates as hopefully you won't feel bad in stepping away. It's more than just your having to collect and keep everything, it's also that if anything is missing, she will accuse you of stealing or the family will. Therefore she and her family should handle it by transferring the mail to somewhere only accessible to them.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Give them a call and ask them to bring a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs when they come by next time. Be sure to give a warm thank you. Next time it could be a pound of coffee, specific store brand and a bag of cookies. Whatever you are out of. 🤔
Anyway😊, I am with Mysteryshopper just say what you have here. Because of complications in ur life u can no longer pick up her mail.
No is a one word sentence
From the book Boundries...When saying No you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
I no longer Volunteer. Its seems when u volunteer its then expected. If asked I probably will do but it in no way means I should feel obligated to continue to do it. "Sorry I can't this time" No excuses. I have asked and been turned down and those people felt no guilt. Why should I.
My new mantra is: I am her to help people find a way, not be the way.
Come back and tell us how things turn out.
Post office boxes exist, mail forwarding services exist, and packages could easily have been directed to the family member's address all along. You have just been an easy solution to a minor problem, and once you extricate yourself, it'll be easy to solve in other ways.
That's what "user" type people do.
The advice the others gave you is great, but I'd like to add - she may get snotty/snippy towards you after you advise her you'll no longer be doing errands for her. Just ignore her, don't let her attitude bother you, and move on. I doubt very much that she'll ever bother you again after that. I wouldn't spend more than a second or two worrying about what she'll think, or her feelings.
(Guess you can tell I helped someone in similar circumstances. Once I got worn out with it all, I told her I couldn't drive her around anymore. She got quite huffy with me. Happily, I never heard from her again.)
Users only use people that will allow themselves to be used. They realize some people are way too nice and don't want to say no, so they abuse that positive character trait for as long as they can.
When that person wears out - it's on to the next!
A few sentences will suffice.
"Dear Irma: I am sorry to tell you that I can't any handle your mail. Wishing you the best, Christine."
If you wish to make it a tad better, but still not open to argument, a nice card with:
"Dear Irma: Due to some added stressors in my life that I do not care to discuss, I have to let you know that I can not longer handle mail for you. I wish you the best. Christine."
These dependencies creep up. I so remember when my bro had his accident, was in rehab, and then had to figure if it was ALF or staying in his tiny last home, which was a trailer in a lovely, friendly historic little So Cal park. His neighbors all visited him and ENCOURAGED him to stay home, despite his poor balance, his inability to shop, and his lack of online services to order groceries. Other tasks. And didn't he have well meaning neighbor after neighbor saying "Dee, just STAY here. We can't lose you! We will take you shopping with us. We can take you ANYWHERE you need to go. " and blah blah blah. And they were so kind and so well meaning, but he and I weighed everything. I was at the other end of the state with a partner who needed me home, so I was down to infrequent visits. His ex partner and best friend was already IN ALF. And we KNEW that no matter how well meaning these kind folks were that Dee would become a burden, feel guilty, and just hate that. He moved.
It is kind of you to try this. But as Beatty here always says, for your neighbor "There will be no solution as long as you are all the solutions".
Don't leave it open to argument. Don't elaborate. Simple state it in a short manner. Whether there is thanks or not, she is now a burden you simply don't need.
Best to you. I can sympathize. Those who are by nature caregivers or kind walk into these situations ALL THE TIME.
Stop picking up her mail and handling her packages and everything else. Tell the family member as well that you're done with it.
They'll make another arrangement I'm sure.
i hope you find a good way forward.
“Any suggestions on the best way to exit this situation graciously?”
personally, i like speaking to someone (and hearing):
polite, direct, honest
hug!
bundle of joy :)