She lives in an independent living apartment, but always asks to live with me. That is not an option. I am a recent widow trying to get my life back together again. She doesn't try to make any friends and won't participate in any activities in her facility. Only wants to be with me. I feel guilty not letting her live with me, but I know it would make me crazy as we are very different people. Looking for some advice.

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She may be at a point where she can no longer be in independent living. Since you know she is not going to reside with you (wise decision) then start looking at facilities. This way you are prepared for her next step.

Of course at her age they resist change but does she really have any other options? No, so you don’t have to feel guilty but you should feel good about doing what is best for both of you.

Both of you matter, not just your mom. You are equally important. I think you’re a rational person to realize that it would not be wise to move her into her home.

As for mom, the only thing that is necessary for her is proper care. She will learn to adjust. Even if she doesn’t, there isn’t another alternative. Be at peace with finding a better suited facility for her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Thank you for your incite. I know she will not 'agree' to making yet another move. She really doesn't think she has a problem and has always been very stubborn about most everything. I will have a talk with her geriatric doctor about prescribing her an anti-depressant. He'll have to call it something else, but I think that would be best at this time. Of course, I realize it's just a matter of time before she has to move to AL.
I appreciate your kind words. Thanks.
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Reply to Ceejayel

If your mom is 93, it sounds like it's time to move her from independent living into Assisted Living after getting her to the doctor for a full work up! If she's suffering dementia, it's not safe to live independently anymore and if she's depressed, the doc can prescribe something to help her out. She doesn't need to 'admit' anything.......she just has to agree to move from IL to AL, in my opinion. My mother is 93 with dementia and I've had to move her from Assisted Living to the Memory Care annex this past May. She and my dad could only live in Independent Living for a few years until they both declined in health enough to where it was no longer safe or feasible to do so. They weren't overly social in IL either, but once in AL, they DID get out and socialize quite a bit. After dad passed, mom spends the whole day in the activity room in the ALF and now in MC. She's also on anti-depressants after I spoke to her doctor about it back in 2011 after they first moved here.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I think it's a wise move not to move your mother in with you; on paper, these things always seem like they could work out. But then in reality, things rarely work out.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
KatD81 Feb 3, 2020
Good advice.
My grandmother is currently in IL and on a waitlist for a place in Extendicare. She really needs the extra support. When the time comes to move her, it's going to be, "We found you a nicer apartment!" and that's it.

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