My mother won’t respect my daughter’s space. What do I do?

You do not have to do any big thing to put a lock on the door if there is already a doorknob or handle. You just buy a doorknob or handle with a key lock for the outside and for the inside you have a turn button. Thats what we have on daughters old door. She had a key to get in. The lock is still there and I have the keys to it.

Is it possible your mom is not remembering these things you try to explain to her about privacy and plugs? It has been her house and she still feels responsible for it. All of it. With even mild short term memory important things are forgotten immediately and past rules are followed instead of new ones. I tried 2 different ways to keep my mom in her house. First, I lived with her until I couldn't, then my son and grandson moved in with her. In both situations I hired home care during the days I was at work and I'd be there in the evenings. Son and grandson were not expected to care for her, just be there in the evenings in case of an emergency. Mom couldn't remember who was there or why and she'd walk in on all sorts of private situations. We pretty much laughed it off, but it was annoying. Mom also would unplug anything she could, sometimes while my grandson was doing his homework, which he needed internet for. She turned the heat up in the summer. Once she went outside to the box and shut down the air conditioning. She sat there innocently watching my grandson and me take forever to figure out what had happened. As much as I love the idea of family caring for family, if these things can't be put up with, your daughter might have to move out. But I do think it is good to have someone there with your mom's age and cognitive decline.

A lock on the door?

Onlychild,

Did your daughter have a good relationship with her grandmother before moving into the home?

We don’t really know someone until we live or work with them. Then we find out lots of things about them!

Their relationship is going to change after living together and not for the better.

Have you thought about this?

This is just from the daughter’s point of view. Neither of my two daughters left home aged 18. Both stayed put for at least a year. At 18, they had just left school and were starting at University. Their world was changing dramatically, they were making new friends and socialising differently at weekends. Their friends often came to my house first, left their cars in my street (close to the CBD), I gave them all a lift to town, and they got a taxi back to my place and cars. My daughters were both happy to have somewhere to be stable but help them launch. The boys they knew were often from the country, boarding in the Uni hostel, and they were clearly comfortable with time in a ‘parental’ place (even when I told them off for racist comments). Not all 18 year olds want to be thrown in at the deep end.

How this could work depends on the people involved, plus the locked door.

Posters may be missing the problems of locking an internal door. Easy to bolt when you are inside. Difficult to lock from the outside when you are leaving. A little padlock can go through hasps screwed on the outside, but is easy to lever off. Inserting a keyed lock into the door (like for an external door) requires major work on the door and the door frame. So even if they both agree, it's not a simple solution.

Remember the expression, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Robert Frost, one of my favorite poets used this phrase many years ago.

We all need our personal space.

Even in marriages, we still need our own personal time and space occasionally.

I am so grateful that I am not married to a needy man. I thanked my mother in law for raising him to be an independent man!

My mother in law had an awful mother in law who babied her son. She said that she had to deprogram my father in law. 🤣

OP, nip this situation in the bud and show your support by allowing your mom to have her home back and showing your daughter that she can make it on her own. She may need roommates. Most of us had roommates when we were young. She’ll survive and appreciate that she learned how to become an independent woman.

Well---I imagine YD is not paying rent, and her 'helping gma' is the way she is 'paying' for the space/time she takes.

It's all there for an epic fail, I'm sorry to say.

IF your YD was paying rent, or you had drawn up some kind of contract they both agreed to--you'd have a voice in this.

Bottom line-it's Grandma's house and yes, she has the 'right' to go into whatever rooms she likes, so I'm sorry to say, that isn't going to change.

You don't need the stress. YD doesn't. This will eventually destroy any relationship she's had with Gma.

Probably better for YD to move out and for Gma to hire in home CG's if she needs help. Leave the relationship thing out of the situation.

My niece just moved into the apartment that my mom had occupied in my brother's (this niece's dad's) home. So, basically, she moved downstairs and has her own kitchen and bathroom & sitting room---BUT, she has her other 3 adult sisters and her folks wandering in and out all the time. Not a lot of privacy.

Mom LOVED that she had family wandering in and out all day. It's a totally different dynamic with a young adult who is trying to be a little more independent.

IF you move somebody else in with Gma. make up a document that states what the parameters are for living there and what is expected in return.

And put a lock on the door.

I wish you had said that you own the house and Mom has a life estate. You said "mothers house". That you are on the deed makes a big difference in how we answer.

Change the locks. Put locks on doors that did not have one. We always had a lock on our bedroom door. When my one daughter was living here with her son, my other daughter wanted a lock on her door to keep him out. We out one on.

I would say there is some cognitive decline on Moms part. You may not be able to reason with her. So you do what u need to do to keep her out of the apartment.

You are telling your mother that a space IN HER OWN HOME now belongs to your daughter?
Nope. I don't THINK so.
The problem in any of these situations is always from the same cause, which is NOT getting a verbal contract before doing the moving in, an agreement.
There needs to be a solid understanding, or these things will happen.

The mother is "of an age" and it is her home, and she will, as you have seen, do exactly as she wishes according to her beliefs. So would I.

The solution? Daughter moves in with roommates (who, again, will do exactly as they please with friends, loud music, whatever. That's life. It is time for her, also, to settle her own issues. This is part of growing up.

Moving a young woman starting out in with an elder who may be/certain WILL BE failing, is a really poor decision making, imho. I am surprised you suggested it. It may be a win win in your mind, but I cannot imagine it being a win for daughter.

Hope you update us that daughter is moving soon. Best of luck with all this.

My grandmother and I got along very well but I would have never thought of moving in with her. She would have never thought of asking me to move in with her. She liked her independence. I liked mine.

I don’t think the idea of asking grandma and the granddaughter to live next to each other was the best solution for saving money. Grandma can hire people to help with her needs. I wouldn’t push either of them to drag this out and prolong their misery.

My parents would never have asked my grandma to allow me to move in. My parents raised me to stand on my own two feet, just like I raised my daughters. The daughter can find roommates, just like most of us did when we were young.

I would think it’s an adjustment for each of them to live in close proximity to each other.

Grandma is used to being alone and doing things her way. She sees this young woman as her grandchild. She may even feel as if she is being nurturing instead of knowing that she is overstepping her boundaries.

Some people don’t know that they are pushy and offensive. They make everything about themselves. They aren’t capable of placing themselves in anyone else’s shoes. Even if it’s pointed out to them, they will make excuses for their behavior.

A lock on the door may not even help. She’s might knock on the door and wait for her grandchild to answer the door.

The granddaughter is viewing her new place as her first apartment. I can’t imagine this situation working out well.

The granddaughter is probably annoyed by grandma’s actions. I would not have wanted anyone barging into my private space in my first apartment.

Grandma is unlikely to change, plus If she has cognitive issues, it’s impossible for her to change.

I have a bit of a different take. The word PRIVACY was not in my grandmother's vocabulary. No door should ever be shut...including the bathroom. When visiting us she would just barge into whatever room she felt like it. And this was someone else's house although I assume she felt it was hers since it was 'her son's house".

Doesn't matter whose name is on the deed, grandma thinks this is her house and it has nothing to do with cognitive decline. She feels she should have reign over all rooms no matter what.

I hope the talk works but I don't have high hopes. Can your daughter still live with you and get to work on time? Or she just might have to get her own place and live tight for the first couple years....my daughter is doing that.

Your daughter will have to move out. There's no other way. The "stubbornness" of an 89 year old is not going to stop because they get a good talking to.

What did you think the situation would be like for your daughter when moving into the home of an elderly person who's lived alone for a long time?

There is no "helping out" a little bit with the elder. No. The reality of a situation like this is the young family member moves in and now the elder owns them. They will not respect privacy. They will expect an account of every moment of that person's time too. This often happens when an elder owns and lives in an income property too. They expect the renter to spend every minute with them.

Years ago I moved into an apartment owned by a little old lady. She lived on the first floor. It seemed like a dream come true. The place was nice and the rent was next to nothing. Before I moved in, I went and met with the lady and her adult son who lived elsewhere. They were both super nice. It seemed too good to be true because it was.

A couple weeks after I moved in the aking for "favors" started. A ride here or running an errand there which would have been fine if it was once in a while, but it wasn't. The old woman wanted all of my time and starting letting herself into my place when I was at work or out because she'd swear she "heard something" or smelled smoke. The truth was she wanted to snoop around and was getting resentful because I wasn't spending time with her.

Her and her son turned very cold towards me and tried raising the rent but they couldn't because I had a lease. The real reason why the rent was so cheap is because the old woman and her son didn't want to hire a caregiver/companion and pay for it. The wanted the tennant to do it for free.

I explained that I worked 50 hours a week spending time with old people. My time off was limited and so precious to me that I wasn't going to use a second of it being a caregiver/companion to my landlady.

The law was on my side. I was able to get the locked changed on the apartment. I left after my lease was up.

If your daughter pays rent she has some renter's rights. That means the landlord (grandma) can't just let herself in to snoop and turn the heat down. You can also change the locks on the apartment.
The best outcome for everyone involved is if your daughter gets a roomate and moves into another apartment.

Onlychild, please stop and think:

Is this a NEW PROBLEM, or has your mother always lacked the ability to respect other's boundaries?

Therein lies the answer to your question.

If mom has always been like this, moving daughter in to an unlocked apartment wasn't a good idea. And leaving your daughter to fight it out with her elderly gma is no solution. Either a lock goes on the door or daughter moves out.

If this lack of boundaries is a new issue, then your mom has had some cognitive changes. Not understanding how electricity works, violating personal space and the like are executive functions. Mom has lost those abilities and may need better/different/more care than she has right now.

Get a lock on the door so grandma can't go in?

Your daughter needs to find a room mate situation obviously her behavior is not going to change .

Your mom has lived alone for a very long time and is finding it difficult to have someone in what feels like her home regardless of who owns it.

It does sound like she has cognitive decline. I’m very sorry that you and your wife are having to deal with this. How long have you been helping mom out?

As far as any suggestions. I would get mom checked out with a neurologist.
Do you already pay the bills, do the shopping, take her to appointments? Does she still drive? Make sure you have a DPOA.

Regarding the apartment.
Put a lock on the door. Make sure mom doesn’t have a key. (This seems so obvious it makes me wonder if that isn’t easy to do in this older home?)
Cover the thermostat or install a Nest or similar.
If the cat has the run of the house, that’s not good. I hope it’s not calling to Your mom all day.
Have an electrician come check the wiring if it hasn’t been done in a long time.
If possible you could put a gate at the foot of the stairs to discourage mom.


Is daughter the only one who complains or does mom also complain about your daughter? Did you tell daughter to let you know of problems instead of talking to her GM or does she just call to vent and then you try to fix it? In other words did you inadvertently put yourself in the middle?

What is the plan for when mom can’t be left alone?

If daughter can find a better deal, she should move out, cause it will be one thing after another. Really, all of these issues daughter has are pretty common with elders. Mom is just being 89 with cognitive decline.

If no one is moving and you think mom is mentally ok, I would tell them both don’t call me about it. Take it up with each other.

If daughter came here to vent everyone would tell her to go live her life, which would be good for all concerned because having daughter there to keep an eye is just kicking the can down the road a bit and daughter needs to be making her own life happen.

If mom is in good shape physically at 89 she could live another 10+ years. Life expectancy table has it about 5 years but that’s for all conditions. You are already burned out and you haven’t gotten to the personal care years. Go see a certified elder care attorney and examine your options. You don’t want to leave your daughter holding the bag too long. It takes a long time to get over caregiving.

And do come back and let us know how any actions you take work out, we learn from one another.






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Onlychild “We’re going to tell BOTH of them to sit down and talk it out” almost certainly won’t work because GM is set in her ways. And GM KNOWS she is right. To be successful the ‘talk it out’ needs to start and end in one non-negotiable outcome – the lock on the D’s door. D is renting the room for her own exclusive use.

There may be other bits of the talk that are negotiable (and would make it seem less like dictating). Who really cares about over-feeding the cat? But the lock on the door is the only thing that will solve the real problem. Find out about lock options before you even get into the discussion. Adding a proper lock to an internal door probably takes a tradie to fit it. Have concrete information ready. And you (not GM) should hold an ‘emergency key’ as D’s parents.

You and D need to present the non-negotiable outcome up-front in the ‘talk’. This IS a solvable problem, as long as GM accepts that D’s renting gives her a space with her own rules and her own lock on the door. It still is a win-win! (at least until sex rears its ugly head)

Your daughter puts a lock on the door. This should have happened after the first incident of your mother going into your daughter's room. That is continues is rather shocking to me. GET locks on the door(s). End of the issue. However ...

Fighting is 100% ineffective to meet your objectives (cohabitate, define boundaries and appropriate behavior).
Arguing is a no-win for everyone and just adds fuel to an already burning fire.
That you argue / fight tells me that you do not understand her changing brain and possible, if not likely, dementia.

Your mother appears to have an inability to respect another's space, doesn't respect understand why honoring boundaries are important / necessary. I presume her behavior is due to dementia or certainly something to do with her brain chemistry changing.

If she cannot allow your daughter to have your own space, you daughter might need to move. As well, your mother should be medically evaluated.

She needs a clearly defined CAREGIVER.
If youre daughter 'helps' her, have the agreement clear, not open ended.
Again, your mother will have her own picture of what that means (time, how long at each get together, what your daughter does for her).

It is very possible that none of this was clearly defined , clarified with your mother before your daughter moved in ... so everyone has their own 'picture' of what this situation looks like / should be.

Still, do not allow your mother to continue to go into your daughter's private space. That is what is needs to be PRIVATE.

Gena / Touch Matters

While it might be a nice idea, this arrangement won’t work out. Your mother is set in her ways.

Unless she is planning on being a caregiver to her gma, (which I hope is not expected) she should move out. She should find a roommate her own age. It will be more fun for her.

She can’t “start out” at granny’s. She needs to room with others of her same age, not be the only bulwark on how this family wants to cater to her and save inheritance.

“Other than some issues with her short term memory that have recently popped up, and some loss of hearing”…These can be signs of dementia. Might be overfeeding the cat because of memory loss, and the rummaging through the apartment setting everything back to the way it was might be as well. She may not be recalling that she has a new roomie if your daughter isn’t actually there in front of her. One of the ways that it can sneak up on families is that the person experiencing the losses can cover them up fairly well initially. Just something to be aware of. If the hearing and memory loss seem sudden you might want to get a UTI ruled out.

Adults (even with generational age gaps) can share well. Not always, but it can work.

Having boundaries, as you point out is the major factor (between a win-win & a lose-lose) with housemates or neighbours. This is all good learning for your daughter!

I think I'd take a 🥪💩🥪 approach (if I was her).

🥪 I'm so grateful for this housing opportunity. I think it can work well with a few 'housemate' rules.
I will not interfere your privacy or your items in your part of the house.
💩 I expect you'll respect my privacy & my items in my space also.
🥪 I'd love it if we can be honest with each other when problems pop up so we can sort them out quickly.

This may lead to disclosing fears regarding fire safety - maybe discussuon on wiring safety may help - although maybe not. Sometimes people are just set in their ways & ignore other's boundaries. If so, I'd take an 'ask-say-do' approach next.

I would ASK again for Grandma to leave my area to me. Then SAY I will be placing a lock on my door if I need to. Then if needed, DO so.

I used to have someone visit my home who would turn off the kettle. I let it go a few times as this seemed their habbit. When they started turning off other power points & lecturing me on this & other things I let them know they were out of line.

My home. My power points. My rules. End of.

“Other than some issues with her short term memory that have recently popped up.”

OP, that is major. Very major. It never gets better, and if you’re not with mom 24/7, you don’t know what accompanying symptoms are present. Sitting daughter and mom down together for a talk won’t accomplish much but continued and increased misunderstanding. It might with two normal people, but your mom is likely incapable of the give and take you expect.

When dementia begins, it’s not just short term memory loss. There’s eventually loss of executive function, lack of empathy and a host of other problems. You should bring yourself up to speed on the subject. Mom shouldn’t be living alone, but daughter shouldn’t be expected to deal with her. She’s a college graduate and able to figure out an alternate living arrangement on her own. Encourage her to do that.

Many of us thought our mothers were just being stubborn with age and actually they had dementia . Please keep this in mind as time goes and see what other things you notice besides the short term memory issues. Better yet if you could get Mom to get cog testing . I do realize that is not always easy to get cooperation for testing . Your mother will probably refuse and say that there is nothing wrong with her .

Obviously this is not working out for your daughter.
She should begin looking for another apartment.

If your mother won’t give your daughter her privacy , your daughter should move out . It may have started out as an idea that you thought would work but it clearly is not .
Your daughter should not be given the job to look after grandma. Grandma will never listen to her granddaughter .
Does your mother have any cognitive decline , or dementia? What kind of “ looking after “ does your mother need ?
As your Mom ages she will be needing more help . Your daughter should not be tied down to caregiving . She’s just starting out , let her live her life , go on dates etc . Not sitting home keeping grandma “company “.
If grandma needs help with chores etc , hire someone with grandma’s money .
Your daughter deserves to be treated as an adult , your mother is not doing that .

To clarify- our daughter has a job and she splits the utility bills 50/50. She pays for her internet service on her own. The house is in my name and mom has life use.

Its ur mothers house. Sounds like there may be some mental decline. If there is no way your daughter can lock the apt when she leaves then she may need to return home. You really cannot tell Mom what to do.

It’s fairly clear to see that this situation is not going to work out for a couple of reasons.

Your daughter deserves to have her privacy, plus she shouldn’t be expected to be your mom’s caregiver.

Is your daughter working? Going to school? Paying rent to her grandma? What exactly does grandma expect from her grandchild?

What arrangements were made prior to her moving in? Was this your idea? Was your daughter in favor of this idea from the get go?

Is it possible for your daughter to afford rent in another location with a roommate?

Your mom doesn’t sound like she would do well with any tenants in her apartment.

No one would appreciate her unplugging items, moving their things around and adjusting their thermostat. Has she rented out her apartment before? If so, did she respect their privacy?

Wishing you and your family all the best.